Where You Are.

What do you do when everything in your life seems to not be as perfect as you once thought it was? 

That you feel like your time is wasting away every day and that you are pushing yourself farther and farther away from your dreams and where you should be at this point in your life?

That people aren't as they seem and maybe your mind isn't as made up as you thought it was?

That there is a reason why you meet certain people that throw you off your so-called "perfect path" in which your dull life was taking its toll? 

Like you are stuck in a deep hole and not sure how to get out? Start digging or scream?

You think you are set and then life and turns you inside out. 

Is this a quarter life crisis? If that is even real. A change of heart? Fore seeing into a not-so-bright future? 

Or is this just a phase, will it pass? 

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.” ~BDA

If it were only that easy.

I like to believe that I am a mature person, that I know what I want, that I can make decisions for myself and what is best for my life. I can, I do, and I continue to. But sometimes, when the choice is really hard and confrontational, I cramp up.  Comfortability in life fucks with me and I get scared of change. Although I am not actually scared of change. So what am I so afraid of?

Someone once told me "never let go of who you used to be"

 -- goes great with my life contemplations right now because I have given up a lot. 

I have changed myself; maybe for better, maybe for worse. Who really knows the answer to that. I have been with people who didn't like ME for ME. You either like it OR you don't there is no  .. "wellll i think you're pretty but I hate that you sleep late" NO -- you get both! 

I believe I have changed for the better, I have become a better person than I once was.  But here I am, in a predicament. 

What happened to that independent person that I once was? She was beaten down to the ground by selfish greedy people who knew how to play the system. 

Why am I so scared to change? I have done it more than once. Dropped everything and bounced. But for different reasons. Maybe I don't have all the right answers  -- Maybe I never will. But I can't wait for it to come to me -- it might be too late.

...And I can't help but to dream... of where life could be and how sweet...