Well.
I have come to the conclusion that running from your problems, will just make everything 100% worse. I will say that on Friday morning I hit an all time low in my life that I have never hit before. And probably the worst I have ever been before about someone and in a stupid situation. I guess I can recap it for you and tell you the outcome..but there was a lot of shit that happened in between that I just will try to recap it quickly, because it could be drawn out.
We decided to go to Vegas and drive S's roommate there, and I didnt know how to tell M. He was in bed with a pinched nerve and a fever and I felt so bad even telling him we were going to Vegas. He questioned me about it and at first I didn't tell him the truth, but about 3 minutes later I told him we were going, because I knew I couldn't lie about the whole thing to him.
He flipped out. S flipped out. Everyone was flipping out. It was a real bad scene. I shouldnt have lied but I was trying to protect him from feeling bad about me going there while he was sick in bed and then do something spiteful to me because i was going to be in Vegas.
It ended up being really really horrible between M's drama and him breaking up with me, again, and S being really upset and freaking out.... It was the worst. Then the drive back was even more horrible while S slept and I have to think about everything for 4 hours driving through a desert....so much for Vegas.
And the rest of the trip went by. I feel bad I wasnt a better guest, but it was really hard to be on my A game when everything went so horribly. On the bright side, S was a good host, we got some color and I got to see my friend in Beverly Hills and hang out. So it wasn't terrible, but the whole break up and drama was absolutely horrible. I caused more problems then good by going away.
M and I spoke yesterday, we came to drop off my key and me give him back his stuff. We talked it out. He apologized, I apologized, not too much was solved from it besides the fact that it isnt totally over. We cant continue from this point right now, there is too much non-trust and us not sure what we want to be and things like that... So I am taking it one day at a time and we'll see what happens. Whatever is meant to be will be and I don't know how things will end up, and we're not dating and we're not together and I don't know much beyond the point of knowing that my heart won't let him go yet.
Ugh.
