Who Am I?

Hi! For those of you who don't really know too much about me, I figured I could recap a couple things since I am sure there are new readers here and I haven't written too much about myself.

There isn't too much to me. I am a very simple person. My first love is traveling. Everything I do and look forward to has to do with going somewhere or getting on a plane to a 3rd world country. If I could go back in life to college (even though I loved college) I would have traveled abroad.

My names Jennifer. I live in New York right now, slightly outside of the city. I will be 26 in March, I'm an Aries. I have a bunch of tattoos and my next one will be "Pura Vida" on my right side! My blue eyes are my claim to fame ;)

My second love is coffee shops. I love them. I have worked at 4 of them already. I had to stop because it wasn't paying enough to live where I live and work only at a coffee shop. So sad. But I love them and I hope to one day own one.

I love animals. I volunteered at the dog shelter by me for a couple years and loved it. I wanted to be a vet but i shouldn't be trusted with a scalpel, so i went for teaching... ha ha.

I am in grad school to be a teacher for kids in grades 1-6. I can't wait. When I was in college I wanted to go to Costa Rica and teach English but I had rents and bills and was never able to leave. It's taken me this long to realize what I wanted to do with life.... for now.

I love music. Reggae has been my love for years. It all started when my best friend and I lived next to this guy Francis who was from Zambia and always sat outside drinking Budweiser and listening to Bob Marley and Steel Pulse. It changed my life.

I hate the winter, love the summer, and loveeeee the beach. You could find me at any beach anywhere.

I love to read and blog. I never have time to read but I always try to make time and am trying to expand my reading selection.

My loves of my life...

And my loves..

So that is pretty much me.
I hope that sort of sums up me for you in case you were wondering a bit of who I am or what my deal was!

xoxo
jen

Finding Me.

I don't know who I am anymore. Somewhere along the way, what made me ME has gotten lost.

And I am not the only one to notice it. More than one person on different occasions have pointed this out.

And you know what?

I know it.

I know the truth.

I know I am different.

I am not the happy go lucky girl I used to be. I am not the fun loving random happy laughing girl I was before. I am not the spontaneous hippie chick I was in college.

I hate the person I am right now. I don't like me and I wouldn't be friends with me right now.

Right now? I am depressing, boring, mean, unfriendly, sad, unhappy, unmotivated person who is walking around miserable.

It is just absolutely crazy.

It really shows on my face now too. Before I was better at hiding it because I didn't really feel it in EVERY aspect of my life, but now? Oh man, you can tell from a mile away that I might break down and cry at any moment.

And to feel like that makes me want to cry and then get really angry because I am 24 years old and I am depressed and miserable with my life, like I should be just DEALING with it because that is my life.

The question I ask myself every day is why I cannot walk away from the things that are depressing me the most?

1. My Job 2. My life with T

I know its kind of ridiculous to blame all of my unhappiness on my job, but in all of the jobs I have had, I dont EVER remember being this depressed somewhere. Between the corruption, the layoffs, the horrible work ethic and the way they treat their employees, it could really make you want to jump out of a window.

And why can't I walk away from T? I mean, he has basically left the door open for me to walk right out and I feel like my feet are stuck in cement and I am trying hard to leave but I cannot walk. Why is this happening to me? Why can't I up and say fuck it? I'm done. I really cannot tell you what is holding me here anymore. And yes, everyone says I should leave, its time for me to leave, I need to go, get on with my life, and I know they are correct and I agree with them, but when push comes to shove, I flake.

We basically established on Wednesday night that there was nothing either of us could do to fix this situation and yet neither of us will leave. I think he is waiting for me to make the first move so that he doesn't have to. And I am most definitely doing the same. But it is going to get to the point where I am just going to leave. I already organized all of our stuff so I know what is mine and what is his, so the moving part will be much easier instead of having to separate everything

I got this quote from Naturally Nina's website and it is so amazing:

"you deserve to be loved today. not yesterday, not tomorrow, or when you lose five pounds, or get a new job, or pass the bar exam. you deserve to be loved exactly as you are right now. if you feel like someone is waiting for you to change, they don't really love you."

Because it is so true. And why can't i see things like that anymore?

I need to get ME back. I need to get past this horribly depressing point in my life and move on.

I need to find that girl again....

What about you? Do you know who you are ?