Friday, August 14, 2009

Finding Me.

I don't know who I am anymore. Somewhere along the way, what made me ME has gotten lost.
And I am not the only one to notice it. More than one person on different occasions have pointed this out.
And you know what?
I know it.
I know the truth.
I know I am different.
I am not the happy go lucky girl I used to be. I am not the fun loving random happy laughing girl I was before. I am not the spontaneous hippie chick I was in college.

I hate the person I am right now. I don't like me and I wouldn't be friends with me right now.

Right now? I am depressing, boring, mean, unfriendly, sad, unhappy, unmotivated person who is walking around miserable.
It is just absolutely crazy.
It really shows on my face now too. Before I was better at hiding it because I didn't really feel it in EVERY aspect of my life, but now? Oh man, you can tell from a mile away that I might break down and cry at any moment.
And to feel like that makes me want to cry and then get really angry because I am 24 years old and I am depressed and miserable with my life, like I should be just DEALING with it because that is my life.
The question I ask myself every day is why I cannot walk away from the things that are depressing me the most?
1. My Job 2. My life with T

I know its kind of ridiculous to blame all of my unhappiness on my job, but in all of the jobs I have had, I dont EVER remember being this depressed somewhere. Between the corruption, the layoffs, the horrible work ethic and the way they treat their employees, it could really make you want to jump out of a window.

And why can't I walk away from T? I mean, he has basically left the door open for me to walk right out and I feel like my feet are stuck in cement and I am trying hard to leave but I cannot walk. Why is this happening to me? Why can't I up and say fuck it? I'm done. I really cannot tell you what is holding me here anymore. And yes, everyone says I should leave, its time for me to leave, I need to go, get on with my life, and I know they are correct and I agree with them, but when push comes to shove, I flake.

We basically established on Wednesday night that there was nothing either of us could do to fix this situation and yet neither of us will leave. I think he is waiting for me to make the first move so that he doesn't have to. And I am most definitely doing the same. But it is going to get to the point where I am just going to leave. I already organized all of our stuff so I know what is mine and what is his, so the moving part will be much easier instead of having to separate everything

I got this quote from Naturally Nina's website and it is so amazing:

"you deserve to be loved today. not yesterday, not tomorrow, or when you lose five pounds, or get a new job, or pass the bar exam. you deserve to be loved exactly as you are right now. if you feel like someone is waiting for you to change, they don't really love you."

Because it is so true. And why can't i see things like that anymore?

I need to get ME back. I need to get past this horribly depressing point in my life and move on.

I need to find that girl again....

What about you? Do you know who you are ?


Saii said...

I'm new reading ur blog but I think I understand what ur going thru ..
at least I have an idea...

I pray you find your way out of those things that are bothering you so much and make you feel out of place....

God truly loves you and He wants nothing but the best for you

allaboutg said...

Hey, I think this is my first comment on your blog =)

I think we all go through changes in life and a negative environment can affect us a lot. It happened to me and although I got out of it, I still see traces of the girl I had turned into and I'm constantly trying to overcome it. But getting out of the situation is the first step to regaining who you are.

Minda said...

I've been where you are going. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. I'm still not out of the woods. Just take some time to meditate and figure out what describes you. What TV shows you like, music, hobbies, your favorite books, etc. Then make a list of these things and write what you love about each one and how it shapes you. That's what I did about a month ago. At first I thought. I DON'T LIKE ANYTHING! *tears* Then it started to come to me. I love animals. I love old movies. I love to read about quirky people and their adventures. Still not sure who I am but I know I'm not the same girl I was 3 years ago. It's hard when you are approaching 25, I've got less than a month and I'm soooo hoping I don't have a breakdown.

Melanie's Randomness said...

Hi! I just came across your blog and I understand. I just turned 24 and are basically trying to find myself too because I got lost somewhere along the way. I have a job that I hate but Im stuck at it becuz it's a paycheck, I have a mess of friend that it seems he's waiting for me to be something I'm not or when I get this he'll want me or maybe he's waiting for me but I'm too stubborn to say anything. That quote by Nina is perfect but I'm trying to see it for its truth but I'm not for some weird reason.

This finding yourself process is hard, but your not alone in this.

mysterg said...

Turn the negatives into positives - it may be a cliche but when a door closes, a window opens.

I know who I am. I don't like who I am. So I'm trying to change by making those difficult choices.

The Girl of Make Believe said...

Hey, I hope you find yourself and I've been there, where you are now, it's not a nice place.
I've recently met some great new people and I'm happy again. I hope it doesn't take long for you to find yourself.
Love the quote!

KekeLynn said...

Oh honey, I know exactly where you are right now, I've been there! It does get better though, I promise! I've realized that life is about discovering, and there is so much out there and there will be something and someone that will make you happy!

Sometimes we get comfortbable even in the most horrible of situations and the thought of the unknown is more scary than staying in a bad situation becuase you already know what to expect.

Just believe in yourself and put one foot in front of the other... you WILL find the other side and you WILL be happy again!!!

cgw @ accidentally, kle said...

Oh honey :( You've described it perfectly - I know that feeling too well. But once you've hit this low, it can only get better. The fact that you can determine things about yourself that you don't like means you're now capable of changing them. Not all at one go, and maybe you're not ready yet for certain changes, but your eyes are open. I hope you find something to love in yourself in the meantime. You deserve so much x

T ™ said...

I found this quote when I was in your place with my last relationship. It really did help.

"Why do people persist in a dissatisfying relationship, unwilling either to work toward solutions or end it and move on? It's because they know changing will lead to the unknown, and most people believe that the unknown will be much more painful than what they're already experiencing".-Anthony Robbins -

Truth is.. once you let it go of that person, as hard as it may be at first... you'll find yourself. And when you do.. you'll see that the unknown isn't all that bad after all. Your life becomes your own again and it's no longer attached to someone else.

Sonja said...

Oh honey, I know how you feel. I think we've all been there after college and not knowing what to do. I agree that when you're with someone you think at the time you can't live without them. I think that once you let go of the bad things (things that are making you UNhappy)in your life, you'll feel instantly relieved & happy. & I think you'll be able to find yourself. :) You can't find yourself completely if someone is holding you back.
the comment above me says exactly what I was thinking.
& If it's any consolation, I think you're awesome :)

I pray that things get better for you and you find your path your meant to be on.

Of all people, I can honestly say, I know there's light at the end of the tunnel & things will definitly be okay :)


Multifaceted said...

Wow, that definitely does not show on your blog. But I completely understand where you are and I like to believe that it's normal.

I know myself, yes. It took me a while to get there. But part of knowing myself is that I always keep changing. The essence of who you are never goes away, but you will always be faced with different things and you will always deal with them in different ways, and they will always bring out things in you that are completely unrecognizable. Life has so many ups and downs, and no matter how much we wish that things were the way they were yesterday, they won't. I think that you're doing great. I think that you are definitely on the right path. Most people cannot even recognize that there's some changes that they need to make in their lives. Even the smallest thing can help sooooo much. I know that I have the goal every day of making at least ONCE the right thing when I don't feel like it. I would like to think that writing and posting this was the first right thing you have done today in order to get closer to where you want to be. Ask yourself what made you happy before and if it's not enough because you're a different person today, then ask yourself what makes you happy now. I'm sure at least one thing makes you happy. I'm sure that when you sit down to have your favorite coffee you're probably not even thinking about how lucky you are. You probably don't realize how many people don't even have that. And don't ever think that you're supposed to deal with things like if it was ruined object that just needs fixing. It's life! It should be lived all the time! When you're angry, when you're sad, when you're laughing, all the time you're living!

One more thing: Don't EVER hope for things to be like they were before. ALWAYS hope for things to be better than before. It ocurred to me yesterday that I'm not the same when I bumped into an old friend. And it keeps happening. If things in your life get worse, it's only an indication that things will get better. When things go down, they have to come up. We just have to take life on a ride and be ridden by it at the same time, really. We just have to believe that no matter what happens you still have you, even if you don't feel like you, you still have you. Otherwise, you wouldn't have noticed a difference in yourself.

Stay strong! Believe in yourself and in all the good things you have. Do not ever take for granted those amazing riches for the not-so-important lack! You know what to do, just make the decisions when the time is right. When you are confident in that things will get better, patience will come naturally.

I'm sending you a BIG cyberhug ((((((( )))))))!

Michael said...

Hell, No.

I deeply miss the person I was, and wish I could find that person again.

Kylie said...

I hope things start looking up for you really soon. You deserve the best job and the best boyfriend around! *hugs*

GARF said...

What can i say. You already read what i had to say. I wonder where we are headed and what for and when shall all this stop. Why are we lost.

Ali said...

Sometimes, I feel the exact same way.

I'm at home (post college), doing something that I'm not sure I even WANT to do, single and just...a bit confused.

So yes, I've felt this way. And yes, I'm hoping that it too, shall pass.

I am sorry you are going through that. It sucks, no doubt about it. And I think that in your own time, you'll do what is best for you. You might need that extra push (friends? family?), but at the end of the day, it's your life. And you know you best, no matter how different you may be right now.

And as always, here to talk if you need/want to. :)

Rachel said...

I have been there before. You can do it. You will go through this period where you are physically, mentally and emotionally gone. It seems like you are basically there. Warning, it may get worse before it gets better. But you will be much happier in the long run. Trust me. If you both know there is nothing there, as hard as it is, it's best to walk away now and start the process.

I really think that the fact that you are admitting that you don't know who you are will help you overcome this! You can do it! If you need any help, feel free to email me. Seriously. I don't mind listening.

Kristin said...

That was me a few years ago. I hated my job. I hadn't been happy with my boyfriend in years, yet I couldn't make the move to change things. My bestie, and now blogging partner, said why don't you come stay with me for a bit. I quit my job and went and stayed with her for a month. It was fabulous. I decided that going back to live with my boyfriend just wasn't right, so I went home to my fam instead. A few months later I met the man of my dreams, subsequently broke up with my boyfriend and am now blissfully married and mom to a beautiful baby boy. If I hadn't walked away from an unhappy situation I would never be where I am today. Life is too short sister. Make the move!!

Amy said...

I have definitely gone through funks like yours- for me the best cure is talking about it instead of bottling it up, being persistent in prayer and working on changing what needs to be changed. The idea of staying in a bad relationship is frightening to me- but then I also tend to err on the side of not letting people get close to me.

I'm also 24, just trying to figure things out. Life is one day and one decision at a time.

spanky* said...

I know who I am... I just don't know what the hell to do with myself.

I'm going to leave a trail of jelly beans from your living room, out the front door & all the way back to ridgefield. With a detour at the bar.

You'll get there, you just need to light the fire under your own ass.


don't forget it... & I'll always want to be your friend.


amindinmotown said...

We all through moments like these in life, and I believe they are what makes us stronger. It's unfortunate that we only examine how we truly feel about life when everything feels as though it's crashing down, but at least you've gotten to that point.

I say do whatever you feel is necessary to be the person you want to be above all else. Don't pretend just to make others content and don't settle, but strive to be that person you were happy being. If you don't, you'll never be as elated with life as you both prefer and deserve.


Mandy Kay said...

i could have written this. NO JOKE. scary.

hang in there girl.


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