And I am not the only one to notice it. More than one person on different occasions have pointed this out.
And you know what?
I know it.
I know the truth.
I know I am different.
I am not the happy go lucky girl I used to be. I am not the fun loving random happy laughing girl I was before. I am not the spontaneous hippie chick I was in college.
I hate the person I am right now. I don't like me and I wouldn't be friends with me right now.
Right now? I am depressing, boring, mean, unfriendly, sad, unhappy, unmotivated person who is walking around miserable.
It is just absolutely crazy.
It really shows on my face now too. Before I was better at hiding it because I didn't really feel it in EVERY aspect of my life, but now? Oh man, you can tell from a mile away that I might break down and cry at any moment.
And to feel like that makes me want to cry and then get really angry because I am 24 years old and I am depressed and miserable with my life, like I should be just DEALING with it because that is my life.
The question I ask myself every day is why I cannot walk away from the things that are depressing me the most?
1. My Job 2. My life with T
I know its kind of ridiculous to blame all of my unhappiness on my job, but in all of the jobs I have had, I dont EVER remember being this depressed somewhere. Between the corruption, the layoffs, the horrible work ethic and the way they treat their employees, it could really make you want to jump out of a window.
And why can't I walk away from T? I mean, he has basically left the door open for me to walk right out and I feel like my feet are stuck in cement and I am trying hard to leave but I cannot walk. Why is this happening to me? Why can't I up and say fuck it? I'm done. I really cannot tell you what is holding me here anymore. And yes, everyone says I should leave, its time for me to leave, I need to go, get on with my life, and I know they are correct and I agree with them, but when push comes to shove, I flake.
We basically established on Wednesday night that there was nothing either of us could do to fix this situation and yet neither of us will leave. I think he is waiting for me to make the first move so that he doesn't have to. And I am most definitely doing the same. But it is going to get to the point where I am just going to leave. I already organized all of our stuff so I know what is mine and what is his, so the moving part will be much easier instead of having to separate everything
I got this quote from Naturally Nina's website and it is so amazing: