freedom ?

Freedom
Originally uploaded by Pascal -

i saw this picture on flickr and it made me think of my life.. and what is happening right now and I feel like I will be that bird soon. And everything is going to be very different after this week is over.
Should I be excited? Should I be scared? I don't know what I should be.
I am just going through the motions right now. As I walk in, he will walk out. It is so utterly depressing, you have no idea.
My mom came yesterday to help me pack up a lot more stuff, so there is a lot of emptiness in my apartment right now. Yet another depressing fact.

So here I am looking up amazing pictures on Flickr, still in this depressing apartment, counting the days until I find out if I still have my job or not and having the final days with T before we have to be out of our apartment and lives together.

September 1.

That is the last day we officially have to be together. Wow. I cannot believe it. It seems so surreal. Like it isn't actually happening... and that that won't be the last time we talk. And I will still be here in this apartment waiting for T to come home and MAYBE talk to me.. just maybe. And everything will be fine, and go back to normal.
But I know that it wont and it cant and it shouldnt.

so.. one more week.
holy crap.

no title.

i can't even think of words to write as a title

there is no title, just numb.

my sadness has no words, but I have to write something because otherwise it will all be kept inside and ill continue to be numb to my surroundings.

it feels like my world is coming crashing down.

interesting picture from photobucket....damn.

what did i except? for t to say he loves me and will stay with me no matter what? after how hard i didnt try?

he said i didn't try. and its too late for me to try.
i agree.
i didnt.
i gave up.
and so did he. I gave up when he had given up and thats when i was supposed to be showing him how much he meant to me and i didn't.

and i let him down. i gave up when i shouldnt have because i was being selfish. yeah, he was definitely not perfect and yeah, neither am i and together, we are a whole bunch of mess, but it worked for a long time. we were happy. things were good. we loved each other. he was my best friend.

and now we are here. him saying not to try to contact him after this, that we cannot be friends and that is his coping, cutting ties, like we're death to each other.

i don't want him gone.

he tried so hard and i was so blind. so blind and naive. and so young. and immature. i didn't know what was in front of me.

and now its gone.
i have to move on. i have to leave him be. to have his life. to have mine. separately.

i look around my apartment, i think about the life we had and i cry because it is so depressing that it's over. really really over. and no matter what i do? It will not matter. I am too late. Right?
There is nothing I can do to make this better, and that is the worst feeling in the world. That i cannot fix something and i will lose yet another important person from my life.

and now, my best friend is gone. and here i am.

yeah, he was an asshole for the past months until the end, yeah he said something fucked up shit, yeah he wasnt the best. and maybe i wasnt either?

he actually loved me and i pushed him so far out of my life that now we are here.

i know i have been so pro-ending of my relationship and now that its here, i want to do anything to take it back.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT IM GOING TO BE OKAY. (sorry this is not directed at anyone, i just cant yell in my apt. because its too late)

I fucked up.
That's it
Its over.
i cannot go back in the past.

honestly, i dont even think we could try to fix things now even if we tried really hard, he is too far past the point of disliking me from all the shit that went down in the past two months that there is nothing left.

i can never be that girl that he wants me to be.

you can't see what you had until its walking out the door.

i dont even know what to say anymore.