Tuesday, August 18, 2009

no title.

i can't even think of words to write as a title

there is no title, just numb.

my sadness has no words, but I have to write something because otherwise it will all be kept inside and ill continue to be numb to my surroundings.

it feels like my world is coming crashing down.
interesting picture from photobucket....damn.

what did i except? for t to say he loves me and will stay with me no matter what? after how hard i didnt try?

he said i didn't try. and its too late for me to try.
i agree.
i didnt.
i gave up.
and so did he. I gave up when he had given up and thats when i was supposed to be showing him how much he meant to me and i didn't.

and i let him down. i gave up when i shouldnt have because i was being selfish. yeah, he was definitely not perfect and yeah, neither am i and together, we are a whole bunch of mess, but it worked for a long time. we were happy. things were good. we loved each other. he was my best friend.

and now we are here. him saying not to try to contact him after this, that we cannot be friends and that is his coping, cutting ties, like we're death to each other.

i don't want him gone.

he tried so hard and i was so blind. so blind and naive. and so young. and immature. i didn't know what was in front of me.

and now its gone.
i have to move on. i have to leave him be. to have his life. to have mine. separately.

i look around my apartment, i think about the life we had and i cry because it is so depressing that it's over. really really over. and no matter what i do? It will not matter. I am too late. Right?
There is nothing I can do to make this better, and that is the worst feeling in the world. That i cannot fix something and i will lose yet another important person from my life.

and now, my best friend is gone. and here i am.

yeah, he was an asshole for the past months until the end, yeah he said something fucked up shit, yeah he wasnt the best. and maybe i wasnt either?

he actually loved me and i pushed him so far out of my life that now we are here.

i know i have been so pro-ending of my relationship and now that its here, i want to do anything to take it back.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT IM GOING TO BE OKAY. (sorry this is not directed at anyone, i just cant yell in my apt. because its too late)

I fucked up.
That's it
Its over.
i cannot go back in the past.

honestly, i dont even think we could try to fix things now even if we tried really hard, he is too far past the point of disliking me from all the shit that went down in the past two months that there is nothing left.

i can never be that girl that he wants me to be.

you can't see what you had until its walking out the door.

i dont even know what to say anymore.


Brittany Ann said...

I am so sorry! I have been here, and I know how this feels. Just know that you're strong and beautiful and will come out the other end better and ready FOR some one better, some one who deserves you, the awesome, wonderful you.

The Novelista Barista said...

thank u brittany ann... thanks for reading and commenting :( it means a lot

Olivia Rae said...

i'm really sorry. that feeling is awful... the complete and utter loneliness and realization of what has happened. i promise it will get better though! you deserve to be 100% happy with the person you're with.

Michael said...

Gosh, NB.

That was hard to read. I'm sure it was harder to write, and even harder to live through.

No, I won't tell you it will be okay. You will never be the same person again. In some tiny corner, it will always hurt.

But YOU will be okay.

I know you're a reader, so I'll leave you with Papa Hemingway-"The world breaks everyone-afterwards, some are strong at the broken places."

for the love of pictures said...

I am so sorry. I know what you don't want to hear so I'll just say that your blog friends are here for you.

The Novelista Barista said...

thank you all :( thanks for being online right now!!!!

Amy said...

So sorry that you're going through this, and I just wanted to say thank you so much for posting this and sharing, because it was definitely something I needed to see right now.

Elise said...

:( This sucks. I'm sorry.

nicole addison said...

im so sorry. let me know if u need someone to talk to.

Jo said...

I'm sorry. I know after all the pep talk stuff (I gave a pretty intense one in your past post) sometimes you just need to let yourself feel what you're going to feel. What works for me sometimes is a good cry.
Take care of you!! xox

Ali said...

It's painful. It sucks.

I hate when people tell me it'll be okay because of COURSE it will be. But do you want to hear that right now? No. So I'm not giving that to you.

I'm just going to say that you need to let yourself feel and be upset and all that jazz. Like you just did.

Shop Girl* said...

So sorry that all this happened... I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you. Hang in there, I promise there are better days ahead. xo

mysterg said...

Your pain really comes through here, and that makes me sad. I'm sorry.

But it also makes me angry. You seem to be blaming yourself for everything when it takes two to make a relationship work. What has he done to fight for you?!

It may not seem like it now, but if he hasn't got a pair of balls to try and make things work and instead gives up at the first signs of trouble, then you are better off without him.

Kristina said...

My heart aches reading your post. I have been there, especially the look around the apartment...ugh, it sucks. As we all have been told and have told our friends, time heals everything. Reach out to friends when you need them.

Miss Mercedes said...

That is probably the most authentic and heartfelt thing I have ever read. You've seen my blog, you know I do relationship coaching, you know I'm a tough love kind of girl. What you just wrote was EXACTLY the kind of thing I want women to write. You're feeling it all. Every emotion. You're authentic and beautiful in your vulnerability. You're sharing the responsibility with him instead of blaming him. You're wonderful. Consider printing it off and leaving a copy of it for him to read. It's amazing how much more our men love us and how much more of us they see when we are authentic and vulnerable.

Fidgeting Gidget said...

We're all hear to listen! That's all I'll say now....that, and that I'm sending a big bloghug your way!

Practically Perfect... said...

My heart goes out to you.

Mandy Kay said...

wow, this was powerful. i'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. but this too shall pass, and you will be a stronger woman because of it.

it's interesting, because i am sort of in a similar position to you, only i am T ... i have been feeling for the past few months that my dear has sort of given up, stopped trying... gotten so comfortable in the relationship that he feels he doesn't need to work at ANYTHING, just go through the motions, and i will stick around and take it, and continue to try to work at it until i'm blue in the face. i'm starting to notice more and more and i'm growing tired of it. but it's hard because i love him!! so i'm sort of at that point where i decide what's next. and this post really helped me.

relationships SUCK!

hang in there darling! here's a great quote: "when something is taken from your grasp, it is only to make room for something better to hold on to." xo

Valerie said...

I'm so sorry girl. Hang in there and we're always here to listen.

OceanDreams said...

Hey girl, I felt like something was missing on my blog and then I realized that you weren't on my blog roll anymore. I totally did not take you off either! Grrr, stupid blogger. So that's why I haven't been over, sorry about everything that happened. I've been through heartache and know it sucks, hope you feel better over time. Let me know if you need anything.

The Novelista Barista said...

awe thank u for ur comments. they really mean a lot.

i am continuing through the motion..
and just going.

the girl in stiletto said...

i'm sorry :( *hugs* love you!

Somewhere In Between said...

I'm sure it doesn't help, but this quote really stuck with me after a really awful breakup once:

"Sometimes you have to let go of what you feel, and remember what you deserve."

Forget about those telling you "it'll be okay." Take your time to heal and do what's best for YOU to feel better!

sub_par said...

I feel like I had this same break up, with my very own T, ironically enough. I had no idea that a break up could be so physically painful. I know that you'll never the the same, and you feel like the hurt won't stop, but it does ease up, eventually. Try not to wish for things to be like they were, but they can't be. Just because it used to be great doesn't mean it still can be. It is easiest to just cut all ties, though, and immerse yourself in projects and activities, and before you know it, the wound has healed, and all you have left is a little scar! I hope you're ok.

M.J. said...

Sounds like you are going through a really rough time right now. I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

When I read things like this, I get super pissed at myself for being behind on my reader.

All things happen for a reason, good or bad, and no breakup is easy. I do hope you find some solace in this, and as crappy as it sounds, it just might've been for the best. I ended a three+ year relationship and even though I knew it was what I wanted, it sucked down to my very core.

We're all here whenever you need to CAPS LOCK SCREAM or rant and rave. ::Hugs::


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