A Blah Day

Lately I have been in a very blah mood. Nothing has gone quite wrong and nothing has gone quite right.... it's just something.

I'm not sure what happened or when but i need to get out of this rut. Everything is generally okay.. but its just like something is missing..... I feel like literally crying when i hear something or see something or watch something that reminds me of T and this is sooooo not right. I dont know where its coming from or why its happening and it needs to go away.

Maybe because things got all messy? Maybe because its getting closer to my birthday and planning this trip to Jamaica is harder than I ever could have imagined it would be and its making me miss him so so much.... I don't know.

I am not sure how to kick this one...

I was doing fine for so long....

How do I get out of this mood? I don't want to feel this way anymore....

Ugh Birthday...

I am trying to plan my 25th birthday and I am going back and forth with ideas and what to do.

Last year I was in Costa Rica with T and I went surfing on my birthday. It was literally the best birthday I have ever had. I have been thinking about it more and more lately now that it is getting closer and I am trying to figure out what to actually do and more and more of me is getting more depressed thinking about it and how I am not going to be able to spend it with him in Costa Rica.

I know that sounds so petty to be depressed about, but I am.

So I am trying to get people together to go to Jamaica... or something like that. I am all over the place because there are so many places I want to go but I only want to go for 4 days.

It is hard to explain to my friends this since I am more T to an extent, but sometimes I just get really emotional and can't seem to deal. For the most part I am too busy trying to be strong for other people so I have forgotten about myself, my feelings and the whole that went down in my life. Just basically completely ignored it.

So at this moment, I am trying to consider everyone when making my decision and I want to be reasonable about the price and whatever blah blah blah. But right now, the fact that the only definite person I ever had in my life to go anywhere with besides my ex best friend (who I really need to do a post about like tomorrow) and T, and they are both not in my life anymore and they were both always down to go wherever, whenever, regardless... and I am lacking that person in my life. So I am trying to find others. To fill the void. And it's not necessarily working... and that depresses me. A lot.

*on a brighter note, check out my guest blog over at For the Love of Stilettos on Summer Bags

Not Being Able to Help Sucks

Lately there are a lot of my friends who have been down and depressed, each for their own reasons and they are all completely different.

I am trying really hard to be the good friend and telling them what they need to hear and being there for them and doing as best as possible to help them so they dont have to be in pain anymore.

And the worst part is, nothing I say actually matters. I'm not saying they don't appreciate it, they just don't listen. But then again, I probably wouldn't listen either. And I am sure it's frustrating to my friends as it is to me when they can't help me.

And then sometimes I get too involved and feel like I might be going overboard with what I say. So then I end up feeling like the asshole and that I was being mean.

But somethings people need to hear what they don't want to hear right? I am supposed to be the one to tell them the things that are ugly and brutal and suck really bad and just want to forget. I am supposed to remind them so they don't forget why they shouldnt go back. Right? Is that not what I am supposed to do?

Sometimes I am not sure... I know I am glad now that I had people to tell me when something was really messed up and that I had to remember what it was REALLY like... because I was so blinded by sadness that I just didn't want to be sad anymore.

Does that happen to you? Being blinded by sadness that you would do anything, ANYTHING to make it go away? Even if it was to go to something that was completely wrong for you?

I think everyone has.

It sucks to have to sit back and watch people torture themselves and not be able to help.

I am beginning to accept that some people just need to fall hard before they can get back up. I know that is what I did and I know that is exactly what people need but it is SO hard to sit there and just watch it happen. It's almost like I want to be like... WAKE THE FUCK UP!

But I can't... because the only way to walk away is to learn. And learning lessons like these, really hurt.

it's so frustrating :(

freedom ?

Freedom
Originally uploaded by Pascal -

i saw this picture on flickr and it made me think of my life.. and what is happening right now and I feel like I will be that bird soon. And everything is going to be very different after this week is over.
Should I be excited? Should I be scared? I don't know what I should be.
I am just going through the motions right now. As I walk in, he will walk out. It is so utterly depressing, you have no idea.
My mom came yesterday to help me pack up a lot more stuff, so there is a lot of emptiness in my apartment right now. Yet another depressing fact.

So here I am looking up amazing pictures on Flickr, still in this depressing apartment, counting the days until I find out if I still have my job or not and having the final days with T before we have to be out of our apartment and lives together.

September 1.

That is the last day we officially have to be together. Wow. I cannot believe it. It seems so surreal. Like it isn't actually happening... and that that won't be the last time we talk. And I will still be here in this apartment waiting for T to come home and MAYBE talk to me.. just maybe. And everything will be fine, and go back to normal.
But I know that it wont and it cant and it shouldnt.

so.. one more week.
holy crap.