The Middle & The Semi-End

***PLEASE READ THE BEGINNING FIRST IF YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ THIS ONE!!!***


The Aftermath:
So there I am, I took off that day from work, because I couldn't deal with going in after going to sleep at 6am. I go to my parents, since my mom was texting with me back and forth during the 2am-6am texting since I was freaking out and had no one and was alone in my apartment. THANK GOD FOR MY MOTHER I TELL YOU!!
So I was alright being there for the entire day, I didnt really think about what had just happened the night before too much since I was pre-occupied. So that day went by, a couple more, then the weekend came. I was doing O.K. Not the best. Going back to my apartment was the worst. It was so depressing, but I something in me didn't want to leave just yet. I could have just went to my parents, but I didn't.
This past week was a huge test on my friendship with people as well. Only a certain few people who outstanding friends in my mind and honestly, although it was only a week, it felt like the longest week of my entire life and I would NOT have made it through without them. I don't even need to name you, because I have told you already and you know who you are. And thank you. For being amazing. And listening to my debating myself and being there for me every step of the way.
That also did not help in certain situations because T was one of my best friends as well. And he wasn't there so I was lacking that too. But I left my house, wasnt there for a good portion of the weekend, which was the long weekend as well and so lonely, except for u girls who were there for me.

So a new weeks coming around, we are now getting to the point where I need to know what to do about this apartment we live in. I need to call the landlord and tell her something. So i call, she doesnt answer. I leave her a message. I figure after texting T and getting no response, calling getting no response, that he is done and doesnt care what happens and basically leaving it up to me to make the decisions. But I was hesitant because I really wanted him to say it and be the one to finalize this choice. Stupid, yeah. I made the decision, I should have just moved my stuff out. But I didnt.

And guess who shows up? T.

Which catches me TOTALLY offguard and I freak out, not knowing what the hell to do.
I really didnt except him to come back and I didnt have anything planned just in case he did. FUCK. That was stupid of me. But I was SURE he was done.

We start to talk; talking about all the things I didnt really explain. Like how I felt about our relationship and why I was so mad that he didnt sleep in the same bed as me and how that was OUR time and we didnt have "our" time anymore. And then we talked about how whenever I asked him to do something with me, it was always like i was forcing him and I didn't even want to ask him anymore because i didnt want to get denied. He understood what I was saying. Which is different, becuase he never understands where I am coming from. We talked about a lot of stuff and he saw my point of view. I told him how sometimes i dont see things his way and i feel stupid because i didnt think of that first and that he gets mad at me sometimes for not being able to see it that way. And he felt bad that I do that. So i mean, the conversation was really good.

The choices:
I know that my friends are like OMG what the fuck is wrong with you, and listened to me bitch and moan for so long about how unhappy I am and was, but I think I need to give T another chance. I have given so many other douche bags chances and yeah I mean T and I have given each other some chances and we've gotten through them, but NOW that he knows what the deal is and everything is out in the open, I feel like, if it doesnt work after this point and we are both trying, then it never will. I feel like T deserves that opportunity because he has never actually done anyhting to hurt me and he is a great person and when shit is good with us, its good.

So i mean, MAYBE it isn't the best choice. Maybe we won't even end up together. Maybe we'll get married. Maybe I will still be unhappy and miserable and we'll break up. Maybe i will be happy again. WHO KNOWS. I have no idea. I am lost in my life right now and the one thing I knew was that I should try again with T. I should put in that much. Yes, I am not happy right now, I havent been in a long time. I really dont know what its going to take to make me happy. I dont even know if T is going to be able to make me happy and im not sure I can fault him for that because it might just be more than just being with him that is making me unhappy.

The Semi-End: I dont know what is going to happen. I am very indecisive right now and I have been basically taking other peoples advice for a while now and not ever having an opinion of my own. Because I dont really have an opinion. I cant even think of what I want right now! I am unhappy, I am all over the place, I am a mess, and T is still there. So I have to try for him. For me. For my happiness. I know that I will figure this out soon. I know that this now needs to be about me.

I maybe did make the wrong decision by taking him back, but at that point, that was what i needed. And i know, i have heard it, that i gave in because I was lonely, and maybe I did, but i also have hope it could work. I just dont want to be the girl that isnt the one that you love like falling over your heels kind of love. I know I am not really that girl that has that effect on people like that, but SHIT, I want to be. And I want someone to love me like that. And if it doesnt end up being T, then I need to find the one that does.

Fuck everyone else. Fuck what they think (not really but i will try!) Fuck who is upset and who doesn't care. FUCK IT. Because this is my life. I only get once chance. And I am testing it out right now. And if its the wrong choice, it was the wrong choice, and i will correct it as soon as i realize that. And hopefully it wont take me forever, and i wont be wasting mine or T's time while figuring this out, but we can try together and if it doesn't work after both of us knowing the situation, then it will never work. And at least I know that we tried and we are just better off friends.



There. I have told you pretty much everything, I have left out a few details to avoid any further conflict, and because this has been a very LONG post and I want people to actually read it!
So... I hope the future holds something positive for me.

This quote helped me out last week, and I need to start living by it (i know i already posted this but its so good i have to post it again):
~To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. ~e.e. cummings


and i will leave you with that.

The Beginning

This has been a long avoided post for quite a while now. I was waiting before I wrote this to speak to the person involved in it and figure out what I was going to do before I even mentioned anything online.

I am WARNING you --this will be a LONG post that requires reading it fully and commenting! SO -- I appreciate it so much if you leave your comments!!! :) :) lol okay finnnee you can just read it and not comment, but I would like some feedback.

So, I finally did talk to the BF last week, told him how I felt and broke up with him.

Background history: I have been contemplating what to do for a while now and I took input on what I should do, weighing my options, going back and forth in my mind what the hell I should do. We have been dating for 3 years, living together for 2. I am 24, he's 29. We've known each other for 6 years. Dated once before for like 2 months, broke up, remained friends, he dated my friend who was my roommate supposed friend, they broke up, she broke his heart, we still stayed friends, I am no longer friends with my best friend due to him and some other fucked up shit she pulled on me.

The happenings: Now, we have been having issues for a while. I'll call him T to make this easier. T and I are good together. We have no drama, no problems, go on vacation, live together, have most of the same friends, have money, I can go wherever whenever and he doesn't mind; everything was basically pretty simple and except for a few mishaps, major ones, that we have gotten past. So overall, we have been okay.

On the other hand, as well and dandy as we are,,, we are pretty boring. We don't do anything at night, sometimes we'll do something cool on the weekends, but most of the time he's tired and I get bored so nothing really gets accomplished. The most exciting thing would be us having our friends over. Or when we go on vacations (which are awesome and I would never deny that). But this also is ruining our relationship slowly because either I make too many plans and am never home because I hate sitting at home when it's nice out or I don't give him the time or day to make the plans first because I am impatient.

So slowly our relationship has turned (slowly meaning over a whileeeeeee period of time) into a relationship where we do not talk anymore, we never really hang out unless its with other people, we don't sleep together in the same bed (because he has issues sleeping and can only fall asleep really late and doesnt want to wake me up and BLAH BLAH.... which has become a huge issue between us now too), we are never affectionate towards each other, pretty much act like friends or roommmates or relatives.

It has become shitty. Without either of us really knowing it. I could feel it but was reluctant to accept what was happening. Yes I know we are SO very different, but I didn't realize that we were growing seperately. I have a seperate life. I have a lot of things about me that T doesnt really know or associate with because he has denied me in the past to be apart of it (like my work friends, or gym friends, or class friends or something like that) so basically I just seperated them without even realizing it because why would I continue to ask T if I knew he was not interested in being involved? Which was and has been another problem but I just dropped it because I didnt care anymore.

So basically here I am, meeting other people and finding them hilarious and fun, kind of wishing that I had that. That basically scared the crap out of me and got me thinking. Am I settling? AmI 24 going on 55 in the stage where we should be retired and our kids are off in college? Is that where we are in our relationship? Because that's sure what it felt like and we aren't even married! And I start to freak out. Get panic attacks, have anxiety. So I try to ask peoples opinions and I heard what i thought I would hear. The End.

All this time, I havent said a word to T... which was dumb, I really should have because I should have let him in on what was going on with me, but like an asshole, I did not. I am by this time going back and forth back and forth trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life. I have gotten myself to the point where I was sure this couldnt work out any longer and that I knew what I had to do.

The actions: Last week comes along, and T and I are talking about his life and some of his shitty friends and then we got into the topic about how he needs to do something with his life and he needed something to change in order to motivate him and I was like, damn. I need to have this conversation with him. Because I really felt like he was too comfortable in the situation to ever want to motivate and do anything else with his life or anything like that.

So I told him that I felt like we were missing something in our relationship.. we have the friends, we have the house, we have the vacations... but we're missing the thing that holds it all together. The real love affection part. And he didnt really see what I was saying. I decided then that I needed to end this. I told him I thought of him as more of a best friend then boyfriend and that I didn't know if I wanted to try to make this work anymore. We have been trying; we've had these conversations and still nothing has changed. T asked me if I wanted to break up and I said I thought so. T says to me "if you are looking to go out and party, and see other people, and go out every night, that's not what I am about right now. I know what I want, I want to settle down, have a family, do nothing during the week if I want and if that's not what you want, then I'm not the one for you." I told him then he was not the right one for me right now. I wanted that, but I dont anymore.

Basically that is how it went, he didnt really say much besides 'i cant believe you didnt tell me sooner and just pretended like everything was okay' and i agree wtih him i should have told him sooner, but I didnt really know what i was thinking or what i would even want to say, so i didnt say shit. So he got real mad and left the house. He didnt come back until midnight (this was at like 7pm) and we talked more, he started yelling, because now he was really mad, saying how could I have tried to make this any better if i was never around and that i was disrespectful because i didnt tell when i first thought about it, etc etc. He left again at 2am, and we continued texting until 6 in the morning when he finished with basically fuck you, dont talk to me anymore.



And that was a week ago...

... Continued in next post.