Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Beginning

This has been a long avoided post for quite a while now. I was waiting before I wrote this to speak to the person involved in it and figure out what I was going to do before I even mentioned anything online.

I am WARNING you --this will be a LONG post that requires reading it fully and commenting! SO -- I appreciate it so much if you leave your comments!!! :) :) lol okay finnnee you can just read it and not comment, but I would like some feedback.

So, I finally did talk to the BF last week, told him how I felt and broke up with him.

Background history: I have been contemplating what to do for a while now and I took input on what I should do, weighing my options, going back and forth in my mind what the hell I should do. We have been dating for 3 years, living together for 2. I am 24, he's 29. We've known each other for 6 years. Dated once before for like 2 months, broke up, remained friends, he dated my friend who was my roommate supposed friend, they broke up, she broke his heart, we still stayed friends, I am no longer friends with my best friend due to him and some other fucked up shit she pulled on me.

The happenings: Now, we have been having issues for a while. I'll call him T to make this easier. T and I are good together. We have no drama, no problems, go on vacation, live together, have most of the same friends, have money, I can go wherever whenever and he doesn't mind; everything was basically pretty simple and except for a few mishaps, major ones, that we have gotten past. So overall, we have been okay.

On the other hand, as well and dandy as we are,,, we are pretty boring. We don't do anything at night, sometimes we'll do something cool on the weekends, but most of the time he's tired and I get bored so nothing really gets accomplished. The most exciting thing would be us having our friends over. Or when we go on vacations (which are awesome and I would never deny that). But this also is ruining our relationship slowly because either I make too many plans and am never home because I hate sitting at home when it's nice out or I don't give him the time or day to make the plans first because I am impatient.

So slowly our relationship has turned (slowly meaning over a whileeeeeee period of time) into a relationship where we do not talk anymore, we never really hang out unless its with other people, we don't sleep together in the same bed (because he has issues sleeping and can only fall asleep really late and doesnt want to wake me up and BLAH BLAH.... which has become a huge issue between us now too), we are never affectionate towards each other, pretty much act like friends or roommmates or relatives.

It has become shitty. Without either of us really knowing it. I could feel it but was reluctant to accept what was happening. Yes I know we are SO very different, but I didn't realize that we were growing seperately. I have a seperate life. I have a lot of things about me that T doesnt really know or associate with because he has denied me in the past to be apart of it (like my work friends, or gym friends, or class friends or something like that) so basically I just seperated them without even realizing it because why would I continue to ask T if I knew he was not interested in being involved? Which was and has been another problem but I just dropped it because I didnt care anymore.

So basically here I am, meeting other people and finding them hilarious and fun, kind of wishing that I had that. That basically scared the crap out of me and got me thinking. Am I settling? AmI 24 going on 55 in the stage where we should be retired and our kids are off in college? Is that where we are in our relationship? Because that's sure what it felt like and we aren't even married! And I start to freak out. Get panic attacks, have anxiety. So I try to ask peoples opinions and I heard what i thought I would hear. The End.

All this time, I havent said a word to T... which was dumb, I really should have because I should have let him in on what was going on with me, but like an asshole, I did not. I am by this time going back and forth back and forth trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life. I have gotten myself to the point where I was sure this couldnt work out any longer and that I knew what I had to do.

The actions: Last week comes along, and T and I are talking about his life and some of his shitty friends and then we got into the topic about how he needs to do something with his life and he needed something to change in order to motivate him and I was like, damn. I need to have this conversation with him. Because I really felt like he was too comfortable in the situation to ever want to motivate and do anything else with his life or anything like that.

So I told him that I felt like we were missing something in our relationship.. we have the friends, we have the house, we have the vacations... but we're missing the thing that holds it all together. The real love affection part. And he didnt really see what I was saying. I decided then that I needed to end this. I told him I thought of him as more of a best friend then boyfriend and that I didn't know if I wanted to try to make this work anymore. We have been trying; we've had these conversations and still nothing has changed. T asked me if I wanted to break up and I said I thought so. T says to me "if you are looking to go out and party, and see other people, and go out every night, that's not what I am about right now. I know what I want, I want to settle down, have a family, do nothing during the week if I want and if that's not what you want, then I'm not the one for you." I told him then he was not the right one for me right now. I wanted that, but I dont anymore.

Basically that is how it went, he didnt really say much besides 'i cant believe you didnt tell me sooner and just pretended like everything was okay' and i agree wtih him i should have told him sooner, but I didnt really know what i was thinking or what i would even want to say, so i didnt say shit. So he got real mad and left the house. He didnt come back until midnight (this was at like 7pm) and we talked more, he started yelling, because now he was really mad, saying how could I have tried to make this any better if i was never around and that i was disrespectful because i didnt tell when i first thought about it, etc etc. He left again at 2am, and we continued texting until 6 in the morning when he finished with basically fuck you, dont talk to me anymore.

And that was a week ago...

... Continued in next post.



Ali said...

You know what? And I'm SURE you've heard this before, but it sounds like you 150% made the right decision. Life's too short to settle, and I bet you're too great of a woman to settle for that matter! It's tough, breakups always are. But I think that was very big of you. In these situations, you have to be selfish and do what's right for YOU. So props!

K13 said...

i think alot of his reaction is because HE knows that HE holds a lot of responsibility for the relationship going South. Sounds to me like you've done the right thing.

Michael said...

I sympathize.

It's a horrible thing to have to disentangle two lives, and it's a horrible thing to have to live in a loveless semi marriage. It's also a horrible thing to have to choose between two horrible things.

I wish you the best.

You deserve-every woman deserves-to be worshipped. You deserve someone who brings you flowers, makes you soup when you're sick, sneaks a quarter pounder onto your desk when you're swamped at work, and holds your hand and lets you cry it out.

Without getting into too much detail, you deserve someone who wants you physically like a drowning man wants air.

Clearly, you didn't have that.

I see where you said you had talked about it before, and he hadn't changed. You acknowledge that the blame pie isn't all his-that's very adult and responsible of you.

But I can't help but notice that what you describe is pretty much what a contemporary relationship is. It's not all courtship and flowers, it's a lot of rainy Sundays and someone has to take the garbage out and I thought you paid the cable bill.

In politics, they say don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

We all love the courtship phase-everyone is on their best behavior, everyone is trying so hard to look perfect, everyone is sending flirty emails to make the other one blush at work.

I just hasten to assure you that life isn't all courtship phase. There's a Tuesday afternoon, somebody shoot me please before I have to go home to the same damn routine with that same idiot.

Last night, I drove around for an hour, listening to Guns N Roses, for really no reason other than I needed to be alone, to think, to play loud music out my car window. I didn't go to a strip club, I wasn't unfaithful to my wife, I just needed 60 minutes by my damn self for once, and the only thing that got hurt was a few cells in my eardrums.

Long term relationships have moments like that. If they pass, the relationships stay long term, if they don't, they don't.

I hope your choice was the right one.

KekeLynn said...

I think you definitely made the right decision. You know when things are not right and life is too short to live unhappily.

I also have a tendancy of keeping things to myself until I'm at the breaking point, which may not be a good thing, but it sounds like you have made efforts to make things better in the past but they just haven't worked.

Unfortunately people change and not always in the same direction. Life goes on and you will be better for taking this step.

Children of the 90s said...

It sounds like you did the right thing. I agree with Ali--you shouldn't settle for anything less than what you want. Every relationship involves compromises, but some things really are a deal-breaker. If you're not happy now and you've given it a lot of tries and put effort into making it work, you're are probably making the right choice.

I also understand that not every moment of a relationship is wonderful and exciting all the time, and of course we all have to have those completely mundane, day-to-date interactions that can be a little stale. It seems like you two want different things in your life right now, and you are young and deserve the freedom to be on your own and figure out what you want.

The Novelista Barista said...

thank you for ur responses.... u have to read the 2nd part :/

i was so sure i did the right thing and then he came back :(

Iva said...

ok, I just read part I am going to part 2..

KLo said...

I'm going to read part two now ... but after reading this, it occurs to me how fortunate you are to have made this realization before the marriage/children/next step kind of thing. If you are not happy where you are, it's not going to magically repair itself. And you (not YOU you, but you in general) have to be extremely invested to do this ... and there's nothing wrong with saying, "You know, I'm really just not that invested."

nicole addison said...

*breathe...whew.. ok..first of all is your name nicole? because i think ive been here before. im about to read the next post so i'm going over there where i'll leave my love for you. k? go check it :) just so you know.. itll be ok and you're in my thoughts

The Novelista Barista said...

awe thanks everyone!!!

The Novelista Barista said...

im so happy you all took the time out to read this AND comment. i really really appreciate it sooo much.
I have been holding this in for so long it is almost like a weight was lifted off my shoulders to allow me to speak freely about what is going on in my life and the fact that you all took time out of your lives to read and comment, makes me smile.

thank you again.


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