My Life So Far..

I have been very MIA... i know... the time that I have to blog and/or do anything is so limited it sucks. But I wanted to give some updates on what has been going on in my life. My life has been a chaotic messssss.

Let me start with saying that overall with everything going on I am pretty happy and I almost can't complain. My summer has started off MUCH better then it was last year, by a million times. Last year at this time I was in Peru..and although that is sad and frustrating at the same time, I am okay with it.

Right now in the past couple months of my life I have...

-started to like someone, a lot
-lost someone from my life because we couldn't be together
-one of my best friends moved to California
-hating my job more and more each day
-started playing softball
-met a lot of awesome friends from my job
-been hanging out with my lady V for a couple months now and its awesome since we werent friends for so long.. finally got to reconnect with her family and it was awesome
-my brother graduated from college and is back
-been down the shore, to jamaica, soon to portsmouth, and more places to come
-drinking way too much


that is basically what my life has consisted of and all except the few negative things in my life everything else has been pretty much awesome.

unfortunately my love life stories i cannot post on here but soon i will..no worries ;)


i hope you forgive me for not being around! i will try to update as best i can.

xox



{photo credits}

The Middle & The Semi-End

***PLEASE READ THE BEGINNING FIRST IF YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ THIS ONE!!!***


The Aftermath:
So there I am, I took off that day from work, because I couldn't deal with going in after going to sleep at 6am. I go to my parents, since my mom was texting with me back and forth during the 2am-6am texting since I was freaking out and had no one and was alone in my apartment. THANK GOD FOR MY MOTHER I TELL YOU!!
So I was alright being there for the entire day, I didnt really think about what had just happened the night before too much since I was pre-occupied. So that day went by, a couple more, then the weekend came. I was doing O.K. Not the best. Going back to my apartment was the worst. It was so depressing, but I something in me didn't want to leave just yet. I could have just went to my parents, but I didn't.
This past week was a huge test on my friendship with people as well. Only a certain few people who outstanding friends in my mind and honestly, although it was only a week, it felt like the longest week of my entire life and I would NOT have made it through without them. I don't even need to name you, because I have told you already and you know who you are. And thank you. For being amazing. And listening to my debating myself and being there for me every step of the way.
That also did not help in certain situations because T was one of my best friends as well. And he wasn't there so I was lacking that too. But I left my house, wasnt there for a good portion of the weekend, which was the long weekend as well and so lonely, except for u girls who were there for me.

So a new weeks coming around, we are now getting to the point where I need to know what to do about this apartment we live in. I need to call the landlord and tell her something. So i call, she doesnt answer. I leave her a message. I figure after texting T and getting no response, calling getting no response, that he is done and doesnt care what happens and basically leaving it up to me to make the decisions. But I was hesitant because I really wanted him to say it and be the one to finalize this choice. Stupid, yeah. I made the decision, I should have just moved my stuff out. But I didnt.

And guess who shows up? T.

Which catches me TOTALLY offguard and I freak out, not knowing what the hell to do.
I really didnt except him to come back and I didnt have anything planned just in case he did. FUCK. That was stupid of me. But I was SURE he was done.

We start to talk; talking about all the things I didnt really explain. Like how I felt about our relationship and why I was so mad that he didnt sleep in the same bed as me and how that was OUR time and we didnt have "our" time anymore. And then we talked about how whenever I asked him to do something with me, it was always like i was forcing him and I didn't even want to ask him anymore because i didnt want to get denied. He understood what I was saying. Which is different, becuase he never understands where I am coming from. We talked about a lot of stuff and he saw my point of view. I told him how sometimes i dont see things his way and i feel stupid because i didnt think of that first and that he gets mad at me sometimes for not being able to see it that way. And he felt bad that I do that. So i mean, the conversation was really good.

The choices:
I know that my friends are like OMG what the fuck is wrong with you, and listened to me bitch and moan for so long about how unhappy I am and was, but I think I need to give T another chance. I have given so many other douche bags chances and yeah I mean T and I have given each other some chances and we've gotten through them, but NOW that he knows what the deal is and everything is out in the open, I feel like, if it doesnt work after this point and we are both trying, then it never will. I feel like T deserves that opportunity because he has never actually done anyhting to hurt me and he is a great person and when shit is good with us, its good.

So i mean, MAYBE it isn't the best choice. Maybe we won't even end up together. Maybe we'll get married. Maybe I will still be unhappy and miserable and we'll break up. Maybe i will be happy again. WHO KNOWS. I have no idea. I am lost in my life right now and the one thing I knew was that I should try again with T. I should put in that much. Yes, I am not happy right now, I havent been in a long time. I really dont know what its going to take to make me happy. I dont even know if T is going to be able to make me happy and im not sure I can fault him for that because it might just be more than just being with him that is making me unhappy.

The Semi-End: I dont know what is going to happen. I am very indecisive right now and I have been basically taking other peoples advice for a while now and not ever having an opinion of my own. Because I dont really have an opinion. I cant even think of what I want right now! I am unhappy, I am all over the place, I am a mess, and T is still there. So I have to try for him. For me. For my happiness. I know that I will figure this out soon. I know that this now needs to be about me.

I maybe did make the wrong decision by taking him back, but at that point, that was what i needed. And i know, i have heard it, that i gave in because I was lonely, and maybe I did, but i also have hope it could work. I just dont want to be the girl that isnt the one that you love like falling over your heels kind of love. I know I am not really that girl that has that effect on people like that, but SHIT, I want to be. And I want someone to love me like that. And if it doesnt end up being T, then I need to find the one that does.

Fuck everyone else. Fuck what they think (not really but i will try!) Fuck who is upset and who doesn't care. FUCK IT. Because this is my life. I only get once chance. And I am testing it out right now. And if its the wrong choice, it was the wrong choice, and i will correct it as soon as i realize that. And hopefully it wont take me forever, and i wont be wasting mine or T's time while figuring this out, but we can try together and if it doesn't work after both of us knowing the situation, then it will never work. And at least I know that we tried and we are just better off friends.



There. I have told you pretty much everything, I have left out a few details to avoid any further conflict, and because this has been a very LONG post and I want people to actually read it!
So... I hope the future holds something positive for me.

This quote helped me out last week, and I need to start living by it (i know i already posted this but its so good i have to post it again):
~To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. ~e.e. cummings


and i will leave you with that.

The Beginning

This has been a long avoided post for quite a while now. I was waiting before I wrote this to speak to the person involved in it and figure out what I was going to do before I even mentioned anything online.

I am WARNING you --this will be a LONG post that requires reading it fully and commenting! SO -- I appreciate it so much if you leave your comments!!! :) :) lol okay finnnee you can just read it and not comment, but I would like some feedback.

So, I finally did talk to the BF last week, told him how I felt and broke up with him.

Background history: I have been contemplating what to do for a while now and I took input on what I should do, weighing my options, going back and forth in my mind what the hell I should do. We have been dating for 3 years, living together for 2. I am 24, he's 29. We've known each other for 6 years. Dated once before for like 2 months, broke up, remained friends, he dated my friend who was my roommate supposed friend, they broke up, she broke his heart, we still stayed friends, I am no longer friends with my best friend due to him and some other fucked up shit she pulled on me.

The happenings: Now, we have been having issues for a while. I'll call him T to make this easier. T and I are good together. We have no drama, no problems, go on vacation, live together, have most of the same friends, have money, I can go wherever whenever and he doesn't mind; everything was basically pretty simple and except for a few mishaps, major ones, that we have gotten past. So overall, we have been okay.

On the other hand, as well and dandy as we are,,, we are pretty boring. We don't do anything at night, sometimes we'll do something cool on the weekends, but most of the time he's tired and I get bored so nothing really gets accomplished. The most exciting thing would be us having our friends over. Or when we go on vacations (which are awesome and I would never deny that). But this also is ruining our relationship slowly because either I make too many plans and am never home because I hate sitting at home when it's nice out or I don't give him the time or day to make the plans first because I am impatient.

So slowly our relationship has turned (slowly meaning over a whileeeeeee period of time) into a relationship where we do not talk anymore, we never really hang out unless its with other people, we don't sleep together in the same bed (because he has issues sleeping and can only fall asleep really late and doesnt want to wake me up and BLAH BLAH.... which has become a huge issue between us now too), we are never affectionate towards each other, pretty much act like friends or roommmates or relatives.

It has become shitty. Without either of us really knowing it. I could feel it but was reluctant to accept what was happening. Yes I know we are SO very different, but I didn't realize that we were growing seperately. I have a seperate life. I have a lot of things about me that T doesnt really know or associate with because he has denied me in the past to be apart of it (like my work friends, or gym friends, or class friends or something like that) so basically I just seperated them without even realizing it because why would I continue to ask T if I knew he was not interested in being involved? Which was and has been another problem but I just dropped it because I didnt care anymore.

So basically here I am, meeting other people and finding them hilarious and fun, kind of wishing that I had that. That basically scared the crap out of me and got me thinking. Am I settling? AmI 24 going on 55 in the stage where we should be retired and our kids are off in college? Is that where we are in our relationship? Because that's sure what it felt like and we aren't even married! And I start to freak out. Get panic attacks, have anxiety. So I try to ask peoples opinions and I heard what i thought I would hear. The End.

All this time, I havent said a word to T... which was dumb, I really should have because I should have let him in on what was going on with me, but like an asshole, I did not. I am by this time going back and forth back and forth trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life. I have gotten myself to the point where I was sure this couldnt work out any longer and that I knew what I had to do.

The actions: Last week comes along, and T and I are talking about his life and some of his shitty friends and then we got into the topic about how he needs to do something with his life and he needed something to change in order to motivate him and I was like, damn. I need to have this conversation with him. Because I really felt like he was too comfortable in the situation to ever want to motivate and do anything else with his life or anything like that.

So I told him that I felt like we were missing something in our relationship.. we have the friends, we have the house, we have the vacations... but we're missing the thing that holds it all together. The real love affection part. And he didnt really see what I was saying. I decided then that I needed to end this. I told him I thought of him as more of a best friend then boyfriend and that I didn't know if I wanted to try to make this work anymore. We have been trying; we've had these conversations and still nothing has changed. T asked me if I wanted to break up and I said I thought so. T says to me "if you are looking to go out and party, and see other people, and go out every night, that's not what I am about right now. I know what I want, I want to settle down, have a family, do nothing during the week if I want and if that's not what you want, then I'm not the one for you." I told him then he was not the right one for me right now. I wanted that, but I dont anymore.

Basically that is how it went, he didnt really say much besides 'i cant believe you didnt tell me sooner and just pretended like everything was okay' and i agree wtih him i should have told him sooner, but I didnt really know what i was thinking or what i would even want to say, so i didnt say shit. So he got real mad and left the house. He didnt come back until midnight (this was at like 7pm) and we talked more, he started yelling, because now he was really mad, saying how could I have tried to make this any better if i was never around and that i was disrespectful because i didnt tell when i first thought about it, etc etc. He left again at 2am, and we continued texting until 6 in the morning when he finished with basically fuck you, dont talk to me anymore.



And that was a week ago...

... Continued in next post.

i LOVE Mondays.

I hate Mondays.

They are absolutely the worst day ever.

I need a new job RIGHT NOW... YESTERDAY for that matter. I hate this place with a passion. Everything about it here makes me want to scream. And everyone. And the fact that the two people who keep me sane will be off ALL week, really makes me want to cry!!

And now it's raining, yet AGAIN FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME THIS MONTH! I haven't even been here this entire month and it hasn't been sunny more than 3 or 4 times! Damnit weather, DAMNIT.

And my personal life is all up in a freakin mess. I have NO idea what to do about it anymore. I am a wreck. I can't get too much into detail yet... but if i ever OPEN my mouth and talk to someone, then I can let it all out. But until then, I have to wallow in my own misery until I can make a DECISION. How do you make changes in your life if you are afraid? UGH... What if I make would be making a huge mistake?!

On a brighter note,

I won another award! So very cool!!
Thank you SO much to My Way for my awesome award! Very cool, I love it!! Thanks SO MUCH!

"The award is "My Way" award, it's the award for free spirit, free people that are not scared to be themselves, creative bloggers and artist, nature lovers..people that loves ti live MY WAY"

My BFF made her own social network and I thought it was important enough to mention and that you should take a look at and show her some love :)

Visit living vicariously...



Will it ever stop raining...?

and more rain...


And one more..

I am supposed to be getting my new blog design by Monday! I am REALLY excited about that, I can't wait! I hope I love it and its awesome and that it's very simple because I am not so great at this layout thing yet!



I want pancakes. ........Now i am just bitching... haha

Okay... now here comes the sun for like 10 minutes...... enjoy your day!

What?

IT WAS ACTUALLY SUNNY OUT TODAY!!!!  (although only in the afternoon -- it was still really nice!)

After watching Mama Mia on the bus in Peru I have not stopped listening to Abba.... haha it is so good! I want to break out dancing every time i hear these songs

Sucker....

and this picture is awesome.... i want to do that and take a picture! lol

Thank god the sun finally came out today. It hasn't been in New York in more than a week.  So now i am tan for me! Awesome since i'm Irish and don't get tan. It usually takes lots of tanning over and over in small doses for me to acquire color.  I went to the park and sat in the sun on the hudson.. it was really nice. 

I haven't been there in a real long time. I used to go there and just hang out and think. So this was nice. My friend met me there and we talked for a really long time, and it helped with the amounts of things I am thinking about right now and the shit load of stress that's on my shoulders right now. I needed more of an inside opinion and I got it. 

I am so stressed out, I really want to cry. Just thinking about what is going on makes me want to cry because my life didn't work out the way I thought a while back that it was going to. And now I am here, and its so far from the place where it should be.  But that is my life. And now I have to deal with it. Its better than later. Why cant things be easy again? Where did it go wrong? WHERE DID IT GO WRONG.

I just want to know that..

and here i am.

i hope the next step in my life is on the sunny side... it has potential i think..

and now i have to play doctor, and band-aid up my life  --i hope i don't fuck up.

dirty smelly secrets.

I saw a post that was a cute idea, In So Many Words wrote about and I have some of my own, that are admit-table ....

i only smoke on Saturdays.... except during vacation and some drinking nights...

i am a dork. ... under it all, i am a big freakin loser!

i blog at work.

i fall into holes and can't get myself out without causing chaos.

i like someone i'm not supposed to (...esp. the sham wow guy, i KNOW he sucks haha...).

i am holding out on somethings I want to write about because I haven't delt with them yet.

i change my facebook profile picture WAY too many times.

i facebook way too much

i could live on chips & salsa every day.

i love my blackberry --i thought i was so cool when i got it :)

i have serious road rage.

i double dip and don't give a crap that i am!

i get teary when watching Animals Cops sometimes.

i am a sucker for crazy romantic scenes in random lots.

i love too much.

I hate. hate. hate. winter and being grown up

I secretly wish sometimes that I was in college again.

i am a push over for scruffy, hotness.

I wore men's boxers to work one time and pretended they were shorts. i got yelled at.

i will get married on a beach with white sandals

i have definitely driven to NYC at 4AM to find a hot dog stand.

I have made friends with a cop while being lost in Pennsylvania and we took pictures in his car and with handcuffs on!

i am silly. i like to laugh and make jokes and smile and flirt. Don't hate ;)

i LOVE to abbreviate words that make absolutely no sense.. as well as breaking out in Spanish randomly and thinking I know what I'm saying.

im sure there are more.... that I can't think of!

Where You Are.

What do you do when everything in your life seems to not be as perfect as you once thought it was? 

That you feel like your time is wasting away every day and that you are pushing yourself farther and farther away from your dreams and where you should be at this point in your life?

That people aren't as they seem and maybe your mind isn't as made up as you thought it was?

That there is a reason why you meet certain people that throw you off your so-called "perfect path" in which your dull life was taking its toll? 

Like you are stuck in a deep hole and not sure how to get out? Start digging or scream?

You think you are set and then life and turns you inside out. 

Is this a quarter life crisis? If that is even real. A change of heart? Fore seeing into a not-so-bright future? 

Or is this just a phase, will it pass? 

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.” ~BDA

If it were only that easy.

I like to believe that I am a mature person, that I know what I want, that I can make decisions for myself and what is best for my life. I can, I do, and I continue to. But sometimes, when the choice is really hard and confrontational, I cramp up.  Comfortability in life fucks with me and I get scared of change. Although I am not actually scared of change. So what am I so afraid of?

Someone once told me "never let go of who you used to be"

 -- goes great with my life contemplations right now because I have given up a lot. 

I have changed myself; maybe for better, maybe for worse. Who really knows the answer to that. I have been with people who didn't like ME for ME. You either like it OR you don't there is no  .. "wellll i think you're pretty but I hate that you sleep late" NO -- you get both! 

I believe I have changed for the better, I have become a better person than I once was.  But here I am, in a predicament. 

What happened to that independent person that I once was? She was beaten down to the ground by selfish greedy people who knew how to play the system. 

Why am I so scared to change? I have done it more than once. Dropped everything and bounced. But for different reasons. Maybe I don't have all the right answers  -- Maybe I never will. But I can't wait for it to come to me -- it might be too late.

...And I can't help but to dream... of where life could be and how sweet...  

Little Tidbits About Me

YAY It's Thursday :)

I was tagged in a survey thing by Boredom's Bounty so I am reposting it here for you.

Eight things I look forward to:
1) The summer so i can go to the beach!
2) Going to Peru (hopefully!)
3) Graduating from grad school so i can finally do something different with my life
4) Getting a dog and a house and getting married!
5) Traveling more places as much as possible
6) Twilight in November!
7) Being tan
8) Buying a house soon

Eight things I did yesterday:
1) Went to work
2) Went to the gym
3) Watched Look Who's Talking
4) Went to lunch with three ladies I work/used to work with, which we do monthly.
5) Cuddled on the couch watching a movie with the BF ! go me!
6) Wrote a really long in depth blog

----i didnt do anything else worth writing about yesterday lol

Eight things I wish I could do:
1) Travel the world non stop.
2) Have a farm with all the animals that I want!
3) Fly a plane
4) Speak spanish and italian and polish fluently
5) Write a novel with no problem!
6) Quit my shit hole job and have an awesome already lined up for me
7) Get married on the beach in Costa Rica ((I WILL do this --just wait!))
8) Forget that I was every friends with someone named VG and delete her from facebook and stop being nosey.

Eight shows I watch:
1) Grey's Anatomy
2) House
3) Americas Funny Videos

4) Animal Cops
5) Project Runway
6) Sex & the City

.....i dont watch anything else

People I am tagging next...

1) Miss Understood

2) Fidgeting Gidget

3) In So Many Words

4) The Girl of Make Believe

5) The Girl in Stiletto

Alright so there it is! Copy & paste it if you like :)