Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Middle & The Semi-End


The Aftermath:
So there I am, I took off that day from work, because I couldn't deal with going in after going to sleep at 6am. I go to my parents, since my mom was texting with me back and forth during the 2am-6am texting since I was freaking out and had no one and was alone in my apartment. THANK GOD FOR MY MOTHER I TELL YOU!!
So I was alright being there for the entire day, I didnt really think about what had just happened the night before too much since I was pre-occupied. So that day went by, a couple more, then the weekend came. I was doing O.K. Not the best. Going back to my apartment was the worst. It was so depressing, but I something in me didn't want to leave just yet. I could have just went to my parents, but I didn't.
This past week was a huge test on my friendship with people as well. Only a certain few people who outstanding friends in my mind and honestly, although it was only a week, it felt like the longest week of my entire life and I would NOT have made it through without them. I don't even need to name you, because I have told you already and you know who you are. And thank you. For being amazing. And listening to my debating myself and being there for me every step of the way.
That also did not help in certain situations because T was one of my best friends as well. And he wasn't there so I was lacking that too. But I left my house, wasnt there for a good portion of the weekend, which was the long weekend as well and so lonely, except for u girls who were there for me.

So a new weeks coming around, we are now getting to the point where I need to know what to do about this apartment we live in. I need to call the landlord and tell her something. So i call, she doesnt answer. I leave her a message. I figure after texting T and getting no response, calling getting no response, that he is done and doesnt care what happens and basically leaving it up to me to make the decisions. But I was hesitant because I really wanted him to say it and be the one to finalize this choice. Stupid, yeah. I made the decision, I should have just moved my stuff out. But I didnt.

And guess who shows up? T.

Which catches me TOTALLY offguard and I freak out, not knowing what the hell to do.
I really didnt except him to come back and I didnt have anything planned just in case he did. FUCK. That was stupid of me. But I was SURE he was done.

We start to talk; talking about all the things I didnt really explain. Like how I felt about our relationship and why I was so mad that he didnt sleep in the same bed as me and how that was OUR time and we didnt have "our" time anymore. And then we talked about how whenever I asked him to do something with me, it was always like i was forcing him and I didn't even want to ask him anymore because i didnt want to get denied. He understood what I was saying. Which is different, becuase he never understands where I am coming from. We talked about a lot of stuff and he saw my point of view. I told him how sometimes i dont see things his way and i feel stupid because i didnt think of that first and that he gets mad at me sometimes for not being able to see it that way. And he felt bad that I do that. So i mean, the conversation was really good.

The choices:
I know that my friends are like OMG what the fuck is wrong with you, and listened to me bitch and moan for so long about how unhappy I am and was, but I think I need to give T another chance. I have given so many other douche bags chances and yeah I mean T and I have given each other some chances and we've gotten through them, but NOW that he knows what the deal is and everything is out in the open, I feel like, if it doesnt work after this point and we are both trying, then it never will. I feel like T deserves that opportunity because he has never actually done anyhting to hurt me and he is a great person and when shit is good with us, its good.

So i mean, MAYBE it isn't the best choice. Maybe we won't even end up together. Maybe we'll get married. Maybe I will still be unhappy and miserable and we'll break up. Maybe i will be happy again. WHO KNOWS. I have no idea. I am lost in my life right now and the one thing I knew was that I should try again with T. I should put in that much. Yes, I am not happy right now, I havent been in a long time. I really dont know what its going to take to make me happy. I dont even know if T is going to be able to make me happy and im not sure I can fault him for that because it might just be more than just being with him that is making me unhappy.

The Semi-End: I dont know what is going to happen. I am very indecisive right now and I have been basically taking other peoples advice for a while now and not ever having an opinion of my own. Because I dont really have an opinion. I cant even think of what I want right now! I am unhappy, I am all over the place, I am a mess, and T is still there. So I have to try for him. For me. For my happiness. I know that I will figure this out soon. I know that this now needs to be about me.

I maybe did make the wrong decision by taking him back, but at that point, that was what i needed. And i know, i have heard it, that i gave in because I was lonely, and maybe I did, but i also have hope it could work. I just dont want to be the girl that isnt the one that you love like falling over your heels kind of love. I know I am not really that girl that has that effect on people like that, but SHIT, I want to be. And I want someone to love me like that. And if it doesnt end up being T, then I need to find the one that does.

Fuck everyone else. Fuck what they think (not really but i will try!) Fuck who is upset and who doesn't care. FUCK IT. Because this is my life. I only get once chance. And I am testing it out right now. And if its the wrong choice, it was the wrong choice, and i will correct it as soon as i realize that. And hopefully it wont take me forever, and i wont be wasting mine or T's time while figuring this out, but we can try together and if it doesn't work after both of us knowing the situation, then it will never work. And at least I know that we tried and we are just better off friends.

There. I have told you pretty much everything, I have left out a few details to avoid any further conflict, and because this has been a very LONG post and I want people to actually read it!
So... I hope the future holds something positive for me.

This quote helped me out last week, and I need to start living by it (i know i already posted this but its so good i have to post it again):
~To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. ~e.e. cummings

and i will leave you with that.



ChicagoSane said...

Taking someone back is an interesting action. I've never done it myself because I am very good at mental pro-con lists.

Still, if you feel like it's better for you, then strive to succeed at it by overcoming whatever caused failure.

And re-assess, re-assess, re-assess. Look to make sure your own goals are being met, that your needs are fulfilled, and that the path you're on is the path you want to be on.

The Novelista Barista said...

thanks chicagosane.... i really hope i did the right thing.

Kylie said...

I don't see a problem with giving it another try. You never know, now that he knows what you want and need from him and the relationship, hopefully he tries that much harder to make it work. I hope it all works out for you guys. I'm sure it will. Whatever the end may be. :)

Iva said...

without leaving you an seriously long comment, I really think you should give it another try.

Anonymous said...

Only YOU know what is right for YOU. If you think you are doing the right thing, than you are. Clear your head, find your thoughts, and listen to them. Good luck sister.

Anonymous said...

OMG Girl! We have so much more in common then I thought! I am going through the same thing (sort of but not really!) with my ex-husband and all I can tell you is follow your heart. You have to do what you think and know to be the best thing for you at that very moment. Do not let your friends, family or enimes try to talk you into or out of anything! This is your life and you need to live it the best you know how. I will be praying for you and T and hopefully things will either get better or the end will come soon and be it will be a quick, easy breakup!

Praying for you!!!
TBMommy :)

Sorry I could not figure how to post a comment for the longest so I wanted to make sure you knew it was from me!

CAC muffin said...

First off thank you for sharing this- letting us in on all the details and telling us all that you have (it really helps reading about others issues- seriously- I'm just not brave enough to share it all- one day)
Second I think i said oh my god i few times and now that makes me giggle
Third you never know unless you try- sounds like you and t have had lots of talks and gotten everything out- you regret the things you don't do right- so go for it! it's your life and you have to do what you feel is right! I'm so excited for you and can't wait to hear how it all turns out- which either way- you be happy in the long run i have no doubt
forth (am i on 4 oh gosh) I love the quote I need to live by it as well
thank you

OceanDreams said...

I love eecummings and that is such a good quote to keep you going darling...I'm so very sorry about all of the pain you have gone through. I understand the pressure of what others may think, but yes, whatever it takes to help you feel better and be happy...I hope you find a place where you are happy and find out whether you and T. are meant to be together. Whatever you decide, we will be here to listen. Keep your head held high and cheer up. Hope you feel better soon and decide what works best. But...don't settle, but I do believe in second chances as long as you are being treated well. :)

Somewhere In Between said...

I absolutely think you made the right decision, just based on the fact that you said you want to at least give it another shot even IF you find out you're better off as friends. Sometime, you need to do that, and you are right that we only get one go at life, and you need to make sure you have no regrets!!

Good luck - and stay true to what you feel is right for YOU not what anyone else thinks is best for you.

KLo said...

I think you've done the right thing. You've put things into perspective, you've taken time and space, and sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways--such as T showing up at your apartment at just that time and it leading to such a good conversation.

My husband and I have been separated for a month and were in trouble long before then. I filed divorce papers a couple of weeks ago and, since then, we've had a hundred conversations we should have had before. We've spent time together, talked together, laughed together, and the bottom line is that I'm trying to figure out how to un-file for divorce. We've been together a long time, and there have been ups and downs ... but there are without a doubt more ups, plus as you said about T, he is one of my best friends and I'm missing not just a life partner but the one person I told everything to.

Sorry, I know this is kind of long, but I just want you to know I'm glad you're taking the route you are ... and that I think maybe I can understand a little.

Good luck to you : ) xx

nicole addison said...

hopefully this post doesnt take up your entire page.. if it does..well f-it i dont really care ;) i was in your shoes. i adored him...really adored him and he adored me. we were best friends and had some great times together. then its almost like we hit a cement wall and we just couldnt force it forward anymore. we tried and tried..we came back to each other time and time again. i will always think so highly of him but we could not start a fire that wasnt there. gosh i feel like such a jerk saying this BUT the reason i am is because i see what came out of it. do i really talk to him anymore? no, i dont. and thats very sad but i found a guy who i've been dating longer than him who i do not have to try with. no relationship is easy but this one is easier than the other one. ive always been a firm believe that if doors open..walk through them. if they close then dont try to force it. ok so that is from my experience but on the total flip side.. some relationships become comfortable and people give up. harsh..ive been there but true. once you decide to work at it..which all relationships need..that fire is lit and can be amazing. a relationship you thought was dead could end up being the one of your dreams. my hearts with you love.. im so sorry you have to go through this. im also sorry you had to read my novel of a post. if you need to chat you know where to find me. hope everything works out for the best, you deserve it. dont settle :)

pinkapplecore said...

i went through this with someone very close to me. Really it's up to you in the end, you're friends and family will probably disagree because they care about you.. but it's your decision in the end.

I hope it works out what ever it may be. <3

Thomas said...

What can we do to help?

Chase said...

considering this is a guy you are sharing your whole (present) life with (minus a few work friends and the like) I think a good talk, a week to breathe, and a second chance was not a bad choice.

You may want to consider some sort of time limit, whether you keep it to yourself or not: "If i don't see these changes by this time, I will reconsider leaving." Because, really, you don't want this to be an endless cycle, but people do change.

In january I had my first messy breakup (with my best friend) and I don't wish that on anyone. I hope the best for the two of you. Really.

And I love that e.e.cummings quote.

Never stop fighting.

The Novelista Barista said...

this is so important i must post my comment on both posts!

im so happy you all took the time out to read this AND comment. i really really appreciate it sooo much.

I have been holding this in for so long it is almost like a weight was lifted off my shoulders to allow me to speak freely about what is going on in my life and the fact that you all took time out of your lives to read and comment, makes me smile.

thank you again.

The Novelista Barista said...

thank u for ur comments.
i really do hope things work out, but as u all have said.. i cant settle and i WILL not settle. And if it doesnt work, i cant force it.
@chase, im sorry about ur break up :( that must have been really shitty and i feel ur pain bc last week was the worst week of my life.

@tbmommy... oh man, wiht ur ex ? that is horrible... can things ever work out? or is it a done deal? i hope u are happy in whichever choice you make.

@thomas,,, not so sure... i guess nothing really :) just listening is good enough

@nicole.... u can write however much you want whenever u want wherever!! :) and ur not a jerk and i totally appreciate ur opinions!

@pinkapple..thank u :)

@KLo... i really hope u are able to unfile for divorce... there must be a way u can do that! i wish u all the best of luck.

@ocean, i hope i find that place too!

@somewhere... i really am going to try to remember what I feel and not think about others. thanks

@cac... thanks! i hope everything works out and im glad i shared it too.

@iva & sunshinemeg... thank you :)

@kylie... i really hope he tries too!!

OhMyLaughter said...

Gosh ee Cummings has some good quotes!

Anyway, yeah I think in the end when it comes to relationships you just have to go with your gut. If you gut says give T another chance...that's what you should do. Even if everyone else is saying to end it for various reasons.

At the end of the day you are the one who has to live with your decisions. So far I can say that about my life when it comes to boys... although I know friends have judged me at times. It's inevitable.

Moonjava said...

Sweetie, I hope everything works out for you. I would definitely in the matter of the heart, go with your gut, and talk it out with T/family.

Don't settle for a relationship, make sure that you ARE happy! *hugs*

GARF said...

I missed the action...was busy sadly. But now am done reading both the posts. Before i say something, lemme light up and think about it a bit...

GARF said...

I am too in a relationship for the last six years. I think there are mainly two questions you should focus on. Firstly, at that point, before Mr T turns up, why were you feeling so low..was it just old days and your present dilemma or was it an inability to live without that someone in life....and secondly, why did he come back?
Answer, whatever it might be, should never mask the real inside. Truth is simple and it has power. Knowing that might help you. I feel, stage comes when you know that whatever it may be, at the end, it shall be US. thats how it has been for me. Anything can be settled and talked about, leading to a better understanding but sometimes, it might take time to know, the love inside. Check yours....and then Me T's....hope, you both land up together.
Love is not all about dinners and outings and's something that completes you and encapsulates your life with all it's practicality.

The Novelista Barista said...

ah garf this is true.... i hope we can figure that out together bc i know about it,,, but sometimes T doesnt really and its kinda sad... maybe hes just not like that...

GARF said...

And may be that he needs to be reminded how important certain things might be...

Fidgeting Gidget said...

Awww....this is sad. When things in a relationship come to this point, it's make or break, if that makes sense. I think you're doing the right thing in giving T a second chance, and this transitioning time for the two of you will give you the answers you need....either he's just a friend and you're meant only to be friends, or the little break you took was the wake up call he needed to realize that he needs to reevaluate his priorities and compromise a little with you on things that are important to you in a relationship. I agree with some of the comments from the beginning post about not settling in life or in a take on that is (and believe me, I learned this the HARD WAY) is that a relationship (be it a friendship or a loving relationship) HAS to be 50/50 or at least really close to it. If one person in the relationship makes all of the sacrifices to make things work, that person loses their true identity and is NEVER truly happy, whether they realize that at the time or not. I think it it's very important that neither you nor T give up too much of yourselves for the other person. You each have to be very honest with yourself and the other person about that. Does that make sense, or am I rambling? Anyway, I know you must be going through a tough time and I'm sending you a big HUG!

Nina said...

hiya darling. So i followed your instructions and read the beginning, mid, and end. I felt like I was reading about my life "when I was your age" haha- jk about that line. But yeah, I feel like I went through mostly the same thing a few years ago. I was living with my boyfriend who was a few years older and had a daughter. It seemed like we were in totally different places in our lives. him worrying about child support and his working on my career and wanting to go out as a couple and with friends. i loved him a lot so i stayed with him (and lived with him) but i got to the point where i looked at my life and i was like i feel so damn OLD! Is this really my life? (i know the child makes it much different too). We had the talk..broke up many times...i moved in and out of our apartment...yada yada..going back each time because i loved him (and also because i was comfortable in our apt). In the end..after so much drama and 20 breakups I was finally through. And when I was done it was for good.

I'm not saying you should be too...or even that that is where yours is heading. I'm saying 1) I hear ya girl and you can email me (a stranger but still, blog world makes us feel like we know people so well) any hour of the day if you need to sort out your feelings. And 2) that would keep wondering if you didn't give it a chance or go back. 3) whatever the out come is...when you reach the outcome you will feel certain that whatever decision you made was right because you really tried all options.

Does any of this make sense? I have been online for almost 16 hours so i'm a bit delirious. All the best, girl. I am here for you in bloglandia. : )

The Novelista Barista said...

@fidgeting gidget.... u make complete sense. thanks for sharing that,,, thats probably exactly what i woudld have said to someone in my situation too.. its just so hard to take ur own advice so its better to hear it from other people!


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