***PLEASE READ THE BEGINNING FIRST IF YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ THIS ONE!!!***
So there I am, I took off that day from work, because I couldn't deal with going in after going to sleep at 6am. I go to my parents, since my mom was texting with me back and forth during the 2am-6am texting since I was freaking out and had no one and was alone in my apartment. THANK GOD FOR MY MOTHER I TELL YOU!!
So I was alright being there for the entire day, I didnt really think about what had just happened the night before too much since I was pre-occupied. So that day went by, a couple more, then the weekend came. I was doing O.K. Not the best. Going back to my apartment was the worst. It was so depressing, but I something in me didn't want to leave just yet. I could have just went to my parents, but I didn't.
This past week was a huge test on my friendship with people as well. Only a certain few people who outstanding friends in my mind and honestly, although it was only a week, it felt like the longest week of my entire life and I would NOT have made it through without them. I don't even need to name you, because I have told you already and you know who you are. And thank you. For being amazing. And listening to my debating myself and being there for me every step of the way.
That also did not help in certain situations because T was one of my best friends as well. And he wasn't there so I was lacking that too. But I left my house, wasnt there for a good portion of the weekend, which was the long weekend as well and so lonely, except for u girls who were there for me.
So a new weeks coming around, we are now getting to the point where I need to know what to do about this apartment we live in. I need to call the landlord and tell her something. So i call, she doesnt answer. I leave her a message. I figure after texting T and getting no response, calling getting no response, that he is done and doesnt care what happens and basically leaving it up to me to make the decisions. But I was hesitant because I really wanted him to say it and be the one to finalize this choice. Stupid, yeah. I made the decision, I should have just moved my stuff out. But I didnt.
And guess who shows up? T.
Which catches me TOTALLY offguard and I freak out, not knowing what the hell to do.
I really didnt except him to come back and I didnt have anything planned just in case he did. FUCK. That was stupid of me. But I was SURE he was done.
We start to talk; talking about all the things I didnt really explain. Like how I felt about our relationship and why I was so mad that he didnt sleep in the same bed as me and how that was OUR time and we didnt have "our" time anymore. And then we talked about how whenever I asked him to do something with me, it was always like i was forcing him and I didn't even want to ask him anymore because i didnt want to get denied. He understood what I was saying. Which is different, becuase he never understands where I am coming from. We talked about a lot of stuff and he saw my point of view. I told him how sometimes i dont see things his way and i feel stupid because i didnt think of that first and that he gets mad at me sometimes for not being able to see it that way. And he felt bad that I do that. So i mean, the conversation was really good.
I know that my friends are like OMG what the fuck is wrong with you, and listened to me bitch and moan for so long about how unhappy I am and was, but I think I need to give T another chance. I have given so many other douche bags chances and yeah I mean T and I have given each other some chances and we've gotten through them, but NOW that he knows what the deal is and everything is out in the open, I feel like, if it doesnt work after this point and we are both trying, then it never will. I feel like T deserves that opportunity because he has never actually done anyhting to hurt me and he is a great person and when shit is good with us, its good.
So i mean, MAYBE it isn't the best choice. Maybe we won't even end up together. Maybe we'll get married. Maybe I will still be unhappy and miserable and we'll break up. Maybe i will be happy again. WHO KNOWS. I have no idea. I am lost in my life right now and the one thing I knew was that I should try again with T. I should put in that much. Yes, I am not happy right now, I havent been in a long time. I really dont know what its going to take to make me happy. I dont even know if T is going to be able to make me happy and im not sure I can fault him for that because it might just be more than just being with him that is making me unhappy.
The Semi-End: I dont know what is going to happen. I am very indecisive right now and I have been basically taking other peoples advice for a while now and not ever having an opinion of my own. Because I dont really have an opinion. I cant even think of what I want right now! I am unhappy, I am all over the place, I am a mess, and T is still there. So I have to try for him. For me. For my happiness. I know that I will figure this out soon. I know that this now needs to be about me.
I maybe did make the wrong decision by taking him back, but at that point, that was what i needed. And i know, i have heard it, that i gave in because I was lonely, and maybe I did, but i also have hope it could work. I just dont want to be the girl that isnt the one that you love like falling over your heels kind of love. I know I am not really that girl that has that effect on people like that, but SHIT, I want to be. And I want someone to love me like that. And if it doesnt end up being T, then I need to find the one that does.
Fuck everyone else. Fuck what they think (not really but i will try!) Fuck who is upset and who doesn't care. FUCK IT. Because this is my life. I only get once chance. And I am testing it out right now. And if its the wrong choice, it was the wrong choice, and i will correct it as soon as i realize that. And hopefully it wont take me forever, and i wont be wasting mine or T's time while figuring this out, but we can try together and if it doesn't work after both of us knowing the situation, then it will never work. And at least I know that we tried and we are just better off friends.
There. I have told you pretty much everything, I have left out a few details to avoid any further conflict, and because this has been a very LONG post and I want people to actually read it!
So... I hope the future holds something positive for me.
This quote helped me out last week, and I need to start living by it (i know i already posted this but its so good i have to post it again):
~To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. ~e.e. cummings
and i will leave you with that.