The Love Life.

my love life is out of control.

things are going on and i dont know where to take them. i am bad at the whole single thing, but i love it. it keeps things interesting.

i am enjoying it. the fact that i dont have to report back to anyone for anything is awesome. not that T ever really cared where I was anyway, but it's nice knowing that i dont have someone waiting for me to come home and grill me on what i was doing. i am free to do whatever and its nice that i am not a disappointment or failure to anyone.

going from my last summer to this year's summer, life is completely different and i plan on making the very best of it.

i am hoping this summer will be smooth sailing and no problems with anyone... especially men related.

This Shouldn't Be That Hard

How is being single so hard? Between the having emotions for more than one person and the being ditched and let down and the not being able to hold anyone to anything... it's fucking stressful!!! I don't understand how people do it!! I have never been good at this but I guess I am working on it... apparently I am very very bad at this.

I apparently make people feel 'trapped' so then I end up having to back off and I can't be myself,,, and that fucking sucks too.

I mean i guess i do it to myself because I made the "rules" but since I am such an emotional mess, it really wouldnt do anyone any good to be in a real relationship with me anyway.. I mean I still am not completely over T yet.. I can't even try to give someone the full 100% they deserve. It is not fait to them.

I dont know what the hell I want. Is that bad? Should I? Things have gotten weird with people so I really don't know what to make of that or how to take it. The only thing I could think of to do what to step back and be less 'needy'. I didn't realize I was like that... but it is good to know, so I don't continue to be like that.

And then you have others, who are around and around and then Gone! Like what?! Did i miss something? Who knows... It sucks to see them and wonder wtf happened and is it going to happen again or was that it?

AH.

I think i need to just do me.... it's so hard... i am very much a person that likes to be around people all the time. But it looks like my options are very slim.

3 Drastic Life Changes in 6 Months

I cannot believe it! It was only a short time back that everything in my life was so different. Getting a new job was the end of my complete life changes so far.

In the past 6 months, my life has gone to from being completely miserable with my ex, living with him, at my dead end job, crying every day, having anxiety attacks... to..... moving into a huge apartment with my girl Cherrie, breaking up with my ex and being single, and finally getting a new exciting job that has potential to grow!

I mean... holy shit.

I never thought this would happen. From the beginning of 2009, I NEVER saw this being my life at the end of 2009.

I can't believe this is finally happening... its quite sad that my old life is ending and my new life is finally beginning. With all of this, I think I need to change my 2010 goals because now that I will be getting paid a bit more money, I can actually accomplish some other things that I want to do! AH!

I am happy, sad, nervous and anxious about my new job.

Happy because this is a great new challenge in my life and I can't wait to take it on!

Sad because I have been here for 4 years and I am not used to anything else and ill miss the friends that are left here. It has been good times, despite the horribleness.

Nervous because I am afraid that I will suck and not be what they think I will be. And that I don't remember how to work hard.

Anxious because I want it to happen already. I want to get over the first couple of weeks of learning and being new and have everything settled in! I hate being the new person, it sucks lol

Did you feel this way when you started a new job?

PS.. the winner (chosen by random.org) of the New Year's giveaway is ..... Absent Minded!

Lady email me your info & congrats :) and tell me what you want written on the tears :)

{photo credits}

Out With The Old.. In With The New

This year has been crazy.

We had a love/hate relationship.

There were many things about this year that were cool, and then a majority of things that were absolutely horrible.

I know that it could absolutely be worse, and I am glad that it was most definitely not. I am hoping for 2010 to bring me something good.

I wanted to recap my year because I usually have forgotten most of things by now so I wanted to attempt to write some down before the year ends so I can start fresh.

2009 was the year of...

t and i breaking up

t and i moving out

traveling to costa rica, peru & california

losing 25 pounds

moving into an apartment with cherry

being single

most depressing summer of my life

losing some friends with the break up

making new friends as a result of being single

reapplying for my same job

watching many of my friends leave, quit and get laid off

starting my blog and successfully sticking with it

beginning to learn who i really am again

paying off a credit card

taking two graduate classes

spending new years of 08-09 without T since he just left and went to Africa

spending a whole month alone because T wanted to go away by himself

seeing that people actually do like me... and want to be with me

finding that there are other things in life besides unhappiness due to men!

meeting a lot of cool new people

After writing that, it doesn't look so bad. I guess because I was crazy depressed for a good amount of the year, that made it feel worse than it was. Everything seems to be more decent now. I know I went on all of those trips and I am so excited that I got to do that and I don't regret anything, I just wish that I didn't have to go through all of that shit with T. So my goal of 2010 is to make sure I am happy and keep going from there.

I definitely did not foresee this year playing out like it did! I should have based off of how 2009 started.

High hopes here I come!

Single and Moved

Well here it is.


My new life.


I moved basically everything yesterday with my parents and two of my friends helped. Thank god, because T didn't want to take any of the furniture, so I had to take everything except the TV and a small dresser. So the truck that we rented wasn't quite big enough but we managed to fit almost everything in the truck and our cars.


What a disaster... Now I have to go back there and clean tonight so I can potentially get my money back from the landlord, who is in hate mode for me now because I didn't give her that much notice in the move. Sorry lady, it was unexpected -- I wasn't totally planning to move!


I dont ever want to say "i know" and i dont ever want to hear "ull be okay" again ..... or "i know, but ull be okay" LOL sara.


Crazy.... T came back yesterday when we were moving my stuff. So awkward. I gave him my letter, hopefully he reads it. That would be nice. I mean, if he wants to call me and talk sometime soon, I am all for it. I do not want him cut out of my life forever... i still love him so much. It's just right now we would never work. There is too much stuff against us that shit just keeps getting fucked up and maybe this is for the best. Who knows... I dont. Im just going day by day and seeing what happens next. No clue.


I haven't lived at home in 7 years and I haven't been single for more than like a month in more than 4 years. Holy crap..........


I really didnt want to move home. I looked at different homes in the area, specifically Ryan Homes, and really ended up liking them a lot. Now I am in need of a roommate.


If only I could pick and move far away instead of moving back home with my parents. I would find a new home start fresh and work at creating the best life possible for me. During some of the worst points of this break up I'd pretend house hunt and imagine a new life. My favorite homes were always from Ryan Homes. They have homes for sale in warm sunny places, how couldn't I be happy starting a new life where it's always sunny? Hopefully buying a home is along the next steps in my life instead of renting. 


I don't even KNOW how to be single! What do I do!!?

257 - Single Malt
Originally uploaded by Single Malt