Tuesday, January 25, 2011

January - Shittiest Month Ever


Although I have no idea where it went, I am glad it is almost gone. This has been the worst month. Still not able to find a job, finally got unemployment coming to me so I don't feel as broke and now serious issues with M.

There is nothing that can replace the feeling of being completely alone and miserable and worthless. With no job and having no where to be, with M not really being there because he needs "some time to figure out what he wants" and then my friends just not being around, I feel like I have absolutely nothing. I have nothing to wake up for.

The only good thing in my life right now is that I go to the gym and I have my blog and I am taking 2 education classes. And that's it.

I need to get away.

I am planning on going to Italy. I can't keep waiting for M anymore. I don't know what is going to happen with him. I have no idea. His birthday is this weekend and I planned a surprise party and got him Knicks tickets and yesterday he tells me he doesn't know if he wants to be single or with me.. again.

I am lost. Yet again.
It's not fair.

So now I need to get away. I need to be selfish. I need to leave and do whatever I want to do.
I am always so worried about doing other things for people that I don't ever think about myself. That has to change.

So if I can afford this, I am going to Italy the 2nd week of February and I am going to stay with my cousins since they are studying abroad there and then I'll come back.

I can't deal with my shitty life here so I am just going to run away for a little bit.

Yeah it's not the smartest idea, but if I don't go, I'm afraid I will go crazy.


Melanie's Randomness said...

Sometimes you need to get away to think. It's okay that you get to this point. I'm sorry to hear about the drama with M. Maybe if your gone to Italy for a while he'll miss you? I don't know but those education classes are a step in the right direction if you want to be a teacher! It'll be okay. I hope you get to go to Italy. Maybe that'll brighten your day! *Hugs*

Mo Pie, Please said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this. But going to Italy sounds like the best idea ever. This month has proven that it needs to be about you. You have to live for yourself and you can't just sit around and wait for M to make the decision you want. I say go and don't think twice about it. Hope things look up for you soon - they're kind of hard not to when Italy is in sight!

Carrie said...

Not the smartest idea? I think it's brilliant! Sometimes a little break can be exactly what you need to clear your head and get back on your feet. Maybe some time with you galavanting in Italy will make M come to his senses too... One thing I know for sure, you'd make priceless memories.

I hope you start to feel a bit more optimistic, no matter what happens. You deserve happiness! Reach for it! <3

imlivinginadream said...

Sometimes you need to get away from life in order to gain some perspective. Italy would be a great idea for you and a really good way to just take a break from the stresses in your life. I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well with M, he doesn't know what he's missing out on!

allaboutg said...

You're not running away, you're taking time out for yourself to pay attention to the most important person in your life - YOU. Whatever happens, it'll be for the best x

Esperanza said...

I feel the same way! I am in a never ending hole I cannot seem to climb out of.

Jennifer M. said...

I think getting away from the daily grind is the smartest thing you can do sometimes! Good for you to not just sit around feeling for yourself. A trip will be refreshing and (hopefully) relaxing!

Also, you might consider this unwanted free time a gift to figure out how to create some passive income for yourself. Focus on monetizing your blog that can bring in monthly revenue, or write a novel that you an get royalty checks from in the future. Do what feels natural to you, but try to figure out how to set up a little system that generates money for you without you having to work for it! (I haven't quite figured this out yet myself, but I'm working on it!)


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