Although I have no idea where it went, I am glad it is almost gone. This has been the worst month. Still not able to find a job, finally got unemployment coming to me so I don't feel as broke and now serious issues with M.
There is nothing that can replace the feeling of being completely alone and miserable and worthless. With no job and having no where to be, with M not really being there because he needs "some time to figure out what he wants" and then my friends just not being around, I feel like I have absolutely nothing. I have nothing to wake up for.
The only good thing in my life right now is that I go to the gym and I have my blog and I am taking 2 education classes. And that's it.
I need to get away.
I am planning on going to Italy. I can't keep waiting for M anymore. I don't know what is going to happen with him. I have no idea. His birthday is this weekend and I planned a surprise party and got him Knicks tickets and yesterday he tells me he doesn't know if he wants to be single or with me.. again.
I am lost. Yet again.
It's not fair.
So now I need to get away. I need to be selfish. I need to leave and do whatever I want to do.
I am always so worried about doing other things for people that I don't ever think about myself. That has to change.
So if I can afford this, I am going to Italy the 2nd week of February and I am going to stay with my cousins since they are studying abroad there and then I'll come back.
I can't deal with my shitty life here so I am just going to run away for a little bit.
Yeah it's not the smartest idea, but if I don't go, I'm afraid I will go crazy.