Monday, July 13, 2009

Oh Monday, how I hate you.


I do. Im not gonna lie... probably the worst day of the week. Although today is quite boring since there is ABSOLUTELY no one else in the office right now since everyone is in training. So its pretty quiet, but bad quiet. The phones haven't rang ONCE. And I want to go get lunch.. but I can't. Because no one is here!
On the brighter side, it was gorgeous out all weekend and I tried to spend as much time outside as possible, although I did not go to the beach or the pool and layout, which is what I really wanted to do.. so that kind of sucked. But other than that it was beautiful.

T and I went to the park yesterday and walked around the river and stuff and sunbathed a little bit on the top of the cliff. It was really nice. As soon as I get my NEW PHONE!!!!! (which i just ordered about 5 minutes ago and SHOULD have it tomorrow BIG CHEESE) I can actually take pictures and upload them from my phone because I will have a CAMERA! Who would have thought not having a camera on my blackberry would have taken a toll on my instant blogging LOL.
Unfortunately, as soon as we are done enjoying our nice outing, we go out to dinner and get into a fight. Of course right? Way to ruin a nice day. It was obnoxious and basically, he really needs to stop taking out his anger from other people on me. Ridiculous. It made me so sad. We have only been back together for not even a week and we're fighting. WTF. I am just sad, it makes me really unhappy that we fought like that our some bullshit that he takes the wrong way and sees it in a completely different light than I do. I just dont get it. No matter HOW I act in a situation, he will still find some way that I am actually wrong and should have done it another way.

Ugh.

All during this fight I am thinking about how I really need to make moves in my life. I need something to happen. I feel stuck and stranded in a shitty position in my ever boring life. I have had the same job for 3 years, same boyfriend for 3 years, same but different apartments, same boring life with added vacations, same clothes, same hairstyle. Same EVERYTHING.

I am sick and fucking tired of it. And I need something to change. I don't know what to do. I mean i was about to make a change in my life and then I stopped it so i am fully responsbile for that and am sort of regretting it. But I feel like the bigger picture behind what I did was revolving around another person and I didn't want it to be becuase of that, so that is why I went back so I could make this about me.


I mean, I am learning NOTHING in my job now. NOTHING. I do the same shit for the same people who still dont give a crap about me whatsoever. I deal with asshole clients who have no money and we have to force them to advertise with us and then get blamed because the economy is shitty. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO! Then I have to rely on other peoples motivation to work in order for me to make any bonus. It's just such crap, its unbelieveable. So I have basically given up and stopped working for the most part because I dont care anymore. And that makes me sad because I am a hard worker and like to do work!

I was considering quitting my job and going back to school full time to bang out my teaching degree by next summer. But I still dont really know if I want to be a teacher. I do and I dont. There are so many pros that it outweighs my reason of not doing it because I want to stay in the media field and I feel like I would be sort of "settling" if I just went and became a teacher.

I guess I just feel like I am not in control of my life anymore and it is making me feel sad and depressed and I need something to happen for me to get out.

I need an exit plan.

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20 comments:

Ali said...

I know how you feel with the whole "something's gotta change" thing. I feel it too, and it's super frustrating. Hopefully you'll be able to pinpoint exactly what needs to be done to make the said changes and in turn be a happier person.

Here for you, as always!

KekeLynn said...

For some reason, everything feels worse on Mondays! But I know exactly what you are going through. I felt like this a couple years ago and made a plan and moved to another state. Now, 16 months later, I have that restlessness again. I know I'm not where I'm supposed to be or doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

I guess we all have to start seriously working on our exit plans!

Good luck and remember to ALWAYS trust your instincts!!

Brooke said...

Girl, I am definitely praying for you! You need to do what is best for YOU and no one else. For once in your life you need to be selfish. Do you have some girlfriends you can get away with and take a mini vacation to think and re-evaluate? I have always wanted to be a teacher and I would LOVE to go back to school but you have to do what you think is best for you! I am sorry you are having such a bad Monday!

The Novelista Barista said...

awe thanks! yeah i am in that indecision stage and it really sucks :( i am totally unsure about everything going on in my life and it just sucks!!! UGh and it doesnt help that its monday!

the girl in stiletto said...

awww. it's a good thing to have the same boyfriend for a long time, no?

The Novelista Barista said...

LOL.... well i guess it all depends on how the relationship is going...... and not so good when its on the rocks.

Nina said...

god. i feel like you are my twin. i know what you're feeling with the loss of control thing. i'm kinda in the midst of that right now. hence the holiday in thailand. maybe you need a break? step back to see what you really want? don't settle on the job though. you won't be happy down the road if you don't feel like you're working at your full potential.

Southern Domestic Diva said...

Ugh. I am in virtually the same spot. I have no motivation to work, because...lets face it, the more my bosses tell me they want me to move up, the more I realize they are saying it just to keep me content in a crappy associate position. I have decided to quit in January to go to keep going to school(I mean, I am in school full time now too - but I want to be able to take classes whenever I want, not just at night).

Not to mention my boyfriend is moving in a year and we have only talked about what will happen when he leaves ONCE. I feel like I'm always planning my life around someone else's and I'm sick of it.

Anyway, feeling like you are stuck sucks.

I've decided I've just GOT to do something and not be that girl who complains about everything and never does anything. It's a big scary step, but like you, I'm a hard worker - I know I'll make it somehow.

Hope you get things figured out.

green ink said...

Oh, this sounds like my life about five years ago. I think I need to email you and share how I escaped.

lots of love xox

The Novelista Barista said...

ah southern diva i totally hear you... that is horrible. really sucks. i hate being that person too and i feel like thats all i have been being.. is the person that complains and complains and does nothing about it.

LOL nina... where have u been all my life!? i WISH i could go on another vacation but i have run out of vacation days this year i have like 4 left until 2010 UGH!!!!! so all i can do is go awqay on the weekend. BLAH!

terminal101 said...

been there girlfriend.... just keep your head up in the meantime, it will get better.

amindinmotown said...

Only you know what's best for you, but if in your gut, change is what you feel is needed, then go for it. Make a move and be risky. Being stuck - and I've felt that way before - is no way to live.

And in every relationship there are fights and arguments. Roll with the punches and decide if those things are worth staying apart or dealing with and overcoming.

spanky* said...

i have something for you.

next time you're home alone, play this video and blast the audio as loud as possible, replace the word "jude" with jen & dance around as best you can. read the words and let it sink in.

it'll make you feel better.

luv u*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUb8_DLsIyM

mieletcannelle said...

*hug* I have no words of advice.. this is such a rough place to be in, I've been there.. we've all been there.. *hug* YOU WILL make a plan, even if it feels tough now, YOU WILL make an exit. xo

Elizabeth said...

I was at this point a month ago. And then I moved 20 hours away from home--big change is exactly what I needed, but it's not for everybody.

You've got some good advice above, so best of luck :)

52 Faces said...

Lord do I hear you - it's such a 20something issue, this ennui/stuckness. It's what drove me to apply to journalism school simply because I saw a facebook ad for it and thought a masters in 3 semesters sounded like a good idea. As soon as I sent in my deposit, I had a massive pang of disappointment and thought for sure that I should have gone with my heart and gotten an MFA in Creative Writing. Now I'm going to journalism school, lord knows why, for want of something better to do and to get out of this awful Los Angeles suburb and back to my native NYC.

I date the same kind of guy over and over and my career is so stalled, rather, nonexistent. Yup.

But in the end, I keep getting messages from the universe that I have to just trust my path and keep going forward, as lost as it feels.

K @ Blog Goggles said...

Ugh, I'm feeling like that these days too. Just looking for some inspiration, I guess.

The Novelista Barista said...

yes. inspiration. THAT is what i need!!!

GARF said...

Here i am struggling with all the change in the world...of friend circle, of work, of colleagues, of a living place...and there you are stuck up expecting a change.My prayers never work...still, i pray that you get what you seek.

I read somewhere, not everytime is it necessary to act. There are times, when you just need to sit back, and have a close watch at the things. Either they move on with you for the better or they change, what you were after.

The Novelista Barista said...

awe thanks garf... i hope u do too!

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