Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Some Ventation


Man, my life has been insane over the past month or two.

As you all know, we have been re-applying for our jobs and still have yet to find out if we have them or not. We will most likely find out tomorrow and/or Friday.
And then, T and I have broken up and are in the process of moving out. The mental stress and draining this is taking on me is huge. I might need to go to a spa for a week or something and get my brain and heart fixed after this.


My friend and I went to look at an apartment the other day and we really liked it. We applied for it, they approved us and we are thinking of taking it starting October. I told my friend C today that i really am all over the place and i would like to get the apartment but if like 1/2 through September i decide against it, that she cant be mad at me and id pay her back the $75 for the apt. fee.. because i dont know what im doing right now, i cant even decide what to eat for food right now, let alone commit to an apartment for a year. i def dont want to let it go, but i cant think straight and i dont know if thats the best choice and i dont know if im going to be able to figure it out right this second in the mind set that i am in and i dont know if im going to be able to get over this fast and i dont know how i feel about living with someone else right now after tom, bc its depressing and im so upset. So she understands, and says not to worry about it. It sucks, I really hate letting people down and I feel like that is all i have been doing EVERY SINGLE DAY.

T and I sat down and talked finally last night and we talked about a lot of stuff. There is just so much stuff, I dont even want to put it up here because its long. In the end, its over, there is nothing I can do right now to fix it. We are moving out by the 1st. He has made up his mind. He is really angry and upset right now. So to just leave him alone. I told him I couldnt leave him alone until he gave me his exact answer and he did. And now I have to just leave it be.. I can't force it anymore.
Maybe he will talk to me again one day. Maybe. Who knows? I can't keep crying all the time. I need to go to a happier place.

I don't know if that is moving in with C. I have no idea. Who knows?

Right now all i know is that i have to finish moving out, I am losing my boyfriend and best friend, everyone is losing their jobs all around me, I may or may not have a job and if i DO have a job who knows what it will be and where, and this all is happening by Sunday.

Holy fuck.


30 comments:

Courtney Hope said...

As I read this, I just was overcome with the wave of emotion that I've been feeling the last few months. I had a recent break up with my boy of almost five years (and I too called him "T") and facing the future after that kind of thing really sucks. I feel so much for you. And you're right, you've got to go to a happy place sooner rather than later.

For what it's worth, I think moving in with your friend may be a great idea... the faster you can build new memories, the better :)

The Novelista Barista said...

thanks courtney... i so appreciate ur comment and thoughts. thank u :)

soin said...

when things go every thing around seems to go wrong. worst feeling it is..

amindinmotown said...

Soin is so right, when one thing's going poorly, it feels and seems like everything is caving in. You'll get through it, with a bit of grit and some strength, but it won't be easy whatsoever. Those of us who have done it before know that for a fact. Take your time and don't make huge decisions. Do what you truly believe is the best for you and take the moments necessary to figure those out. And my best advice would be keep yourself busy enough to keep your mind occupied and off all the drama surrounding you. The more fun you could have, the better.

M.J. said...

You poor thing--Hang in there.

allaboutg said...

It's tough when everything goes wrong at the same time; I guess the only consolation is that you can only go up from here. A new apartment and a break I think will help you to clear your head and give you something else to focus on. Hopefully things will be ok with the job, but as cliche as it may sound, when a door closes a window opens - it's a matter of actually seeing where the window is.

Rich Hippie said...

Oh my god, im not a big cryer but half way through i could feel myself chocking up. Im to cold hearted to open up and have an actual relationship for another human being, I guess it partly because of my fear of rejection one day....
I cant even imagine how feel right now but it must be hard, just think of these things are just bound to get better from here on. This moement is going to help define eho you'll become in the future, which i believe is a much stronger independant one.....
Oh and go buy yourself like the hottest dress ever, prance around his terratory and give him something the think about.
Todays motto: All eyes on you!

mysaucerfulofsecrets said...

I hope things settle down for you soon. That's a lot of shit to deal with at the same time.
*hugs*

shansPLC said...

oh no lady! stay strong, this too shall pass.

Red said...

Everything happens for a reason just remember that. Good or bad there is a reason for it. Last year when I was moving home from LA and ending a 4 year relationship with a pretty high profile person I thought it couldn't get any worse. This year I lost my job and was in the pit of depression but slowly things are getting better. Find something to occupy your time, scrapbooking, reading, sleeping, whatever makes you happy and just focus on that. Everything will always get better.

OceanDreams said...

Hey sweetie, keep your head held high even though times are tough right now! You deserve to be with someone who truly loves you and I know the feeling of a hard breakup, just take one step at a time and baby yourself right now. I think you should listen to Colbie Caillat's CD Breakthrough, it is really good and it encourages us to keep the faith! Thinking of you and hope you are doing okay today.

Miss Mercedes said...

"Its all happening by Sunday". So by Monday, you are off on your new journey in life whether you like it or not. So by Monday, keep reminding yourself that you have ONE life and it is YOURS and NOBODY has the right to knock you down and keep you there. NOBODY. This is you. This is not "him" or "us". This is you and even though you are in a place that you hate...it's your life...your journey...it will only be what you create for it.

Heart and thoughts are with you girl...

Much Love,
Mercedes

Andhari said...

I'm really sorry, sweetie. It's al happening at the same time, I wish i could hug you right now. You dont have to force yourself to move to a happier place so soon but at least keep occupy yourself to sort out the living space and the job, I'm sure it will distract you from your thoughts of T.:(

Practically Perfect... said...

I'm so sorry - it must feel like the walls are coming down around you :-( You could always look for a job in New Zealand and come out there once we've moved - I hear it's a GREAT place to live!

Manju said...

Oh dear. you be strong and hang in there girl!
think of it as a clean slate, a new start , the start of a beautiful new life. everything will get better.

Valerie said...

I'm so sorry chica. Hang in there. I wish there was something I could do.

Sonja said...

I don't want to say it will be okay because I know thats not what you want to hear...and I wouldn't either. But I agree with "moving in with your friend and making new memories". I think it would be good for you! You're a strong woman & I think you'll get things figured out really quickly :)

hugs to you though! <3

The Friendly Skies said...

oh hun... here is a big internet HUG!

Things may seem so hard and awful and uncertain right now but just breathe and know that someday you will be able to look back on this moment and know that even though it was hard, when things end and situations change... it opens the door to new experiences.

What is that saying... when one door closes another one opens. Just be calm and see where life takes you. It seems to know more about what we need than we do!

Good luck with everything. Thank you for sharing such hard moments of your life with us all.

mysterg said...

Where a door closes, a window of opportunity opens...

I feel for you, I really do. The best bit of advice I can give you is to sit down and think about what you want from your life. What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? What will it take to get to that place?

Then do it.

KekeLynn said...

You'll figure it out, you don't need to force yourself to do it all today!

Hang in there girl!

The Girl of Make Believe said...

Aww keep your chin up my friend :)

Shop Girl* said...

Ahh wow... I wish I had those magic words to make it all go away, but I know you'll get through this.

Stay strong, I'll be thinking about you. xo

Rose Red said...

I hope things get better foe you soon!

nicole addison said...

i've been there before. my boyfriend (josh) and i broke up a year ago for a whole summer. i thought it was over and honestly went through a really rough spot in my life. my family almost made me go talk to someone. my lease at my apartment was ending and i actually made the decision to go home. even tho i was 22 years old it was the best decision i couldve made. i was unstable and i couldnt rely on anyone. so my family, who would be ther eno matter what was my best bet and they didnt let me down. i dont know if thats an option or not for you, if it is tho i definitely recommend that. but the only thing i hope is that you're happy. im sending up some good thoughts for you sweety.

Michael said...

My mother has a saying- "Not to decide is to decide". Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. If you think the apartment is right, take it and worry about the other stuff later.

You can do this. You may not think you can, but you can.

for the love of pictures said...

Hang in there Novelista. Just say strong, and everything will work out. Unfortunately, it just takes time.

India Daisy said...

they say "everything happens for a reason", i know, i know that absolutely sucks feeling the way you do...but it does. Head up babes. Thinking of you.
xoxo

~**Dawn**~ said...

Three years ago, Monday, my world was in a similar level, if not state, of upheaval. I seriously didn't know which way was up. I was a mental & emotional disaster zone. Physically, I was just numb. I couldn't see how it would work out when the world was just spinning around me. I know how tough it can be. You're stronger than you think. I know (now) that I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. One day, probably sooner than you think and even if it feels an eternity away, it's all going to be ok again. In the mean time, be kind to yourself, lean on your support system, and allow yourself a good balance of turning inward to just feel & sort it out and being social even if you have to force yourself to do it.

Moonjava said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the things happening in your life right now. In some ways I know how you feel, I'm in my own little crisis at the moment, and it saps your energy, your motivation, etc.

I hope everything works out for you, I'm rooting for you!

The Novelista Barista said...

thank u everyone for ur comments and support. i appreaciate it sooooo sooo much, i cant even express it.
THANK U!!
:)

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