Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Black Disease that Never goes Away

this is such a great picture to describe my ex T and how he is always lingering somewhere in my life and just will not go away.

i have not spoken to him in over a year. we have not seen each other in the same amount of time. yet every now and then i hear something about him that makes me so incredibly angry --a little nagging bug that just wont leave my life.

i don't stress about him anymore, i stress about the fact that he still has one connection to me in my life and i really wish he would just disappear. i don't understand why anyone thinks that he is that great that they need him in their life.

when my fish died last november, i felt like that was the day when anything between us was really severed. and a year later i have to find out it's not. it's just like, go the fuck away already. and it's not him trying to be dragged back into a part of me, it's others.

i was actually just recapping the past couple years with M (current boyfriend) last night about what i went through and talking about it really made me see how insanely STUPID i looked for staying with him! like, what the FUCK was i thinking?!

i was so miserable -- how did i just sit there and deal with not being spoken to, not being touched, not being slept in the same bed with when we lived in the same house, being ignored, hating my friends, not enjoying anything about me, hating me when he was drunk.

How did i deal with that?

and more importantly, WHY did I deal with that?

I honestly have no answer for that and it's disgusting. he wasn't a TERRIBLE person, but he doesn't know how to treat someone as a girlfriend. he may have loved me, but showed it in very strange ways and i believe he actually hated me more then loved me and that definitely showed throughout our relationship.

i'm in a better place then i have been in a really long time and i have learned many, many things from that whole experience. and it has made me who i am today, and for people who don't APPRECIATE you for you, you're better off without them.



Micaela said...

i get this... i do.

i actually just wrote about something similar on my blog and i want to share this part from "Eat pray love" with you:

"The philosopher Sufi said that God drew a circle around the exact spot you are standing on. I was never not going to be here. This was never not going to happen."

-pg 280

It puts all the struggles, tears, even our personal heartaches into perfect perspective.


Novelista Barista said...

really good quote.

Luna said...

sorry to hear that. the good thing is he is for the most part outta your life. the hell with him. take care of yourself and be happy with your current man.

MyLittlePhotographs said...

I'm so happy to hear you're in a much better place now. Sometimes when you think you're in love you kind ignore or you simply don't see what's happening right in front of you. It's not your fault and you shouldn't call yourself stupid for not having realized it sooner. It happens love, that's how we all learn:)

allaboutg said...

At least you got out of it when you did and you moved on. That's what's important.

Mo Pie, Please said...

I'm so happy you're in a better place now! You and your happiness are SO WORTH IT!


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