Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Intimate Time.

A mild, mild case of addiction lately.
I don't know what it is, but lately I have just been wanting it all the time.

Do you think it could be from the lack of it that I had for the past four years?
T never liked to have sex with me. I don't get it.

When T and I dated, I never understood it. I dated J before T and my sex life with J was awesome. Granted he cheated on me and i hated him, we still had a great sex life regardless. Then with T, in the beginning it was a lot, then it progressively got less and less to a minimal of MAYBE once every 2 weeks, if not 3. It was so depressing. He didn't even touch me, let alone barely kissed me. I would have to kiss him and sometimes he would push me away.

When we did do stuff, it was for a short period of time and that was it. There was no passion, no kisses, no hugging. No nothing. I mean in a rare, once in a while.. randomly. Which is so sad!!! I am a very huggy, kissy, touchy, feely person!! I love to be touched and kissed and hugged and have my hair played with and blah blah blah. We had nothing. He would never try to kiss me, even if it was my forehead or something. Nothing! I was almost convinced that every long term relationship was like that..

I have recently changed my mind to believe that that is NOT true! It was just him. I am trying to find my way back into the loving my body and myself now and finding people who actually appreciate me.

I think being with T made my not like my body more than I didn't in the first place because he never wanted me. So now that there are people telling me otherwise, it makes me see things differently and I like it... it makes me feel more confident about myself, where as I used to think I was disgusting and fat (which honestly, I definitely was). Now that I have lost a lot of weight and am maintaining myself more than I was before, I would have to say that I am improving and I can see it for myself, I dont need other people to tell me it so I can believe them.

Tell me.... do you love your body? Did you have this problem with your man?

{photo credits}


kate said...

it's nice to think that all you need is love but i think passion is absolutely essential. i also think it is very natural for passion to wane in long-term relationships but if there's a mutual committment to get it back, you're a step ahead.

no wonder you were feeling low with T. eh. what a cowardly and slefish way for him to behave. you and everyone else deserve better.

as for me: i rarely like my body. i can't think of a time i haven't wanted something (many things) to be very different. but with age i can feel that fading a little and i hope one day soon i will accept my 'flaws'.

i am also insanely lucky to have a man who tells me often, and convincingly, that he loves what he sees.

Novelista Barista said...

awe kate yes u are !!! its hard to find someone who appreciates you as yourself and isnt afraid to say it to you

Claire Marie said...

Sorry to hear that your ex sometimes made you not feel great about yourself. That certainly isn't how long-term relationships have to be; I think it depends on whether your relationship is more of a habit (like a comfy pair of slippers!) or whether it's actually real "true" deep love. I'd bet that your ex didn't mean to make you feel bad about yourself, but sounds like the spark/passion faded with you guys long-term. I've had that experience before, and know it can make you feel pretty negative about yourself :(
I'm very lucky now though to have been with my boyfriend for over two years, and he still always kisses, cuddles and compliments me, etc. I don't love my body still, but I like it more now, because my bf makes me feel beautiful :) I hope you continue to feel more confident too!
Claire Marie x

angel6033 said...

oh wow I am glad you are being so honest, I do have body issues and in my last relationship my boyfriend was not very affcationate which lead me to believe it was me and I was not attractive , I also just began to believe other realtionships taht had alster for years were like that but I feel i deserve better and more love, I hope you find someone that sweeps you off your feet, and I am loving the pictures lately I feel the same way you do in regards to sex lol

Lauren said...

This made me really sad to read. I hate that a boy let you feel that way about yourself. No matter what, know that you deserve to be treated with tons of kisses and hugs and great sex (hehe) and I hope that you find it soon!

Calling_Rhonda said...

What an honest post. I think every couple goes through a "lag" as we like to call it. When that "lag" becomes the "norm" that is when something is wrong. I am sure it was not you, a lot of people both guys and girls have a sexual dysfunction i.e. libido drop.
Just remember it was him..not you.. love yourself girl, once you start doing that you become 10x more attractive to others.

.:*aMbAr*:. said...

OMGG what the hell?!!?!?!?! You are NOT and have NEVER been disgusting. T is, apparently!! blarghh I just hate him right now, not that I didn't before.

Right, but umm yea, sex is amazing and everyone should be doing it all the time [keep to your partners please, no cheating] but you get my point right? I think that is SO weird, I know passion or "Fire" or whatever dies at first, but it doesn't mean you become celibate.WTH

T sucks. The END.

Andhari said...

YOU ARE HOT!!! If I were a straight guy, I'd so chase you. I don't mean to sound creepy but you're a really beautiful girl and you need to know that :) I don't know why T's like that, seriously that guy had issues and it's not your problem at all.

Novelista Barista said...

awe thanks!! yeah i dont know what was wrong with him :/ maybe he had low self esteem too.... who knows... :(
i just wanted to get laid! lol

Valerie said...

You are gorgeous! Don't let anyone tell you different.

I struggle with image. I don't like the way I look, so I'm self conscious. I completely understand :) I used to be really tiny and then I got a thyroid disease, so I struggle with weight. Boo!

Go get laid sista! lol

Kirsty said...

Ugh. That's horrible. I'm sure the problem was totally with him - but there's nothing like that to make you feel unnattractive. I think sex is great (sounds like the understatement of the millenium!) - but seriously, it tells you so much about your relationship. You're having lots and lots - maybe it's just lust. It's infrequent and abrupt - maybe you should talk. I never realised how important it was to me as a way of expressing closeness and intimacy in a relationship until I was forced to consider a relationship without it.
As for body image - I've never felt so good about my body as when I was having sex with my boyfriend!

Michael said...

I'm sure I would love your body.

Oh, you mean MY body.

Sorry. My bad.


OceanDreams said...

Oh wow T sucks and you totally deserve the love in the world and and awesome sex, kisses, and hugs! :)

Guilty of Gossip said...

Guys are so strange sometimes- contrary to popular belief (and/or Hollywood's depiction) a lot of boys use the "im not in the mood" phrase. I've totally been there with an Ex- and of course my immediate thought it- omg... ive made a guy not want to have sex? That doesnt happen, so it must be me!
I'm glad to see you know its not you, cause you are beautiful!
Much Love and Screw Guys-

Novelista Barista said...

LOL thanks!!! i HATE THE "im not in the mood line... i mean... really?!?!!?


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