Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Ex Best Friend


Lately I have been considering reconnecting with my ex best friend, V. I don't know if that is a good or bad idea. I miss her and I feel like there really was no reason for her to actually be out of my life in the first place, but I really don't know if after almost 3 years if she would take me back into her life... or if she even has any place in mine..

Let me give you some background information on the situation with me and V. We met in college and became instantly friends. Me, V and Cherry were best friends --the 3 B's if you will.

We lived in the dorm together and then V and I moved into two different apartments together. We basically spent every waking minute together for over 3 years. I even went to her home country, Venezuela, with her and met her entire family.

I have so many memories that have included her in my life and for me not to be able to even contact her anymore really sucks.

So when we were living together in 2003, I started to date T (yes, the T) for a couple months in the summer. Since I was so not ready for the relationship he wanted, I broke up with him, but him and V had already sort of established something..... and at that point I didn't care because I was onto someone new anyway. So a year later they started to date when we had moved into our new apartment. He literally moved in with us and they dated for a couple of months and then she went back to her ex, cheated on T, and left him completely heart broken.

Now there I was to pick up the pieces and help him find somewhere else to live, being the nice friend that I was.

V and I moved out from this apartment and by this time, things had already fallen apart with her and Cherry, so they were no longer friends anymore. In 2006 I started dating T again because V had basically fallen off the face of the earth from the guy she was dating and T just happened to be around so we started hanging out. Things got more serious, and let me tell you, T HATED V. With a passion. They weren't allowed to be in the same place at the same time. So this caused a serious, serious problem for me.

I was caught in a really bad position. V and I had stopped speaking due to an incident where I couldn't invite her to my birthday and it ended up being really fucked up on my end. And i regret it.

In 2007, I missed her sooo much that I sent her a message and we met up and talked and started talking all of the time. T finally decided that he couldn't handle it anymore and didn't want me to be friends with her anymore. He told me to choose between him and her. Then I was REALLY caught in a bad situation. At this point I was LIVING with T in an apartment and I didn't know what to do.

In the end, I chose T.

I don't regret my choice. I did love T. Very very much so. But I never would let him live down that he made me chose between him and my best friend. I thought that was completely unfair and horrible and so uncalled for.

But that was a choice I had to make regardless of how fucked up it was.


And here I am.

I am not with T anymore and I am wondering if it is fucked up of me to even try to contact her? Would it even be worth it? Is it just horrible of me to want to?

I am not sure..... I am reaching out to ask my readers what they think because the people I would ask know us, so I want to see what other outside perspectives have to say.


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27 comments:

linda said...

you'd be surprised at how forgiving friends can be when you make a decision like that. speaking from personal experience...
I think it's worth a shot but there's gotta be a lot of buttering up and making up to do.

Anna said...

I'm in a similar situation and I totally feel your pain. I think you'll figure out what's best for you and I wish you the best because I know it's difficult!!

A good friend told me once: Sometimes you have toxicity in your life - and sometimes that means you have to get rid of the toxic people that cause it. A good thing to keep in mind as you guys sort it out. Hopefully she'll turn out to be someone to keep around!

mhjozwiak said...

I think it's worth trying. You'll just have to hope she can find it in herself to forgive you.

I also chose an ex over my best friend, and after that relationship ended, I found her and apologized. Things aren't the same between us, as years had passed, but I'm so grateful to have her in my life again! Good luck! :)

Neely said...

Im actually going through something similar. My best friend of 12 years and I had a falling out back in May and I miss her a lot. Reaching out is tough. Just remember that you have to be prepared for the worst. I hope it works out for you. Maybe I can find the courage to do the same :)

Kattrina said...

I say go for it. I had a huge falling out with one of my best friends from high school and we didn't speak for two years. Then she emailed me and I was totally ready to be friends with her again. I also had a big falling out with one of my college best friends and the same thing happened. Some things are forgivable after a long period of time. True friendship lasts. I am even better friends with both of those girls now than I was before.

xox Dany said...

i think you should contact her. You miss her so it can't be worse afterwards...

Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

i think you should try to contact her...i think you might be surprised!

Ashley said...

I think you should contact her. From other times you've contacted her after a long time, it sounds like she's still willing to be your friend. Yes, you chose T over her, and that probably hurt her, and she's probably angry about it. But you stuck by your choice even though you got hurt. I would explain to her the situation you were in and the choices you had to make. She might be angry about it, but she might still understand. It doesn't sound like your actual friendship had any big problems, it was just choices you had to make. If you have a strong foundation, see if she would be willing to forgive and move on from the painful things and start up a friendship again.

Let us know if you do end up contacting her and how it goes! Good luck to you, lady!

Elizabeth said...

Contact her. You will learn something, even if she says she can't stand you anymore. It will be a lesson. And if she says she was feeling the same way (and it's my guess she will), then you made the first move to repair something broken, and that's a wonderful feeling.

PS. I am preparing the first outgoing mail. Very exciting!

Namine said...

I think it's worth trying to contact her and then see if she wants to continue.

twenty something gurl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
twenty something gurl said...

twenty something gurl said...
First of all, what if you go back with T again? It looks like it's a cycle that was on repeat and is now on pause. What if it goes on repeat again?
second of all, T was a moron for making you choose between the two. Are you still in contact with T? Is there ANY chance that you'd EVER go back together or that he would date V? If your answer is 110 % no way in hell, it's impossible, then maybe give it a shot.
But it just seems like you have the same taste in guys...what if it happens again with another guy?
Is it her you miss? Or is it having a best friend? If it's her, then call her. If not, then forget it. Why didn't T want you to hang out with her anyway?

Megan said...

My bestie and I had a falling out 4 years ago and about 3 weeks ago out of no where she called me. I could have cried i was excited and nervous, but most of all so happy to hear from her. I think if she is worth it call her, it cant get any worse really all she can say is she doesnt want to talk to you and you would be in the same position your in now. But hopefully she would be like me and hearing from you will make her extremely happy. I think you should go for it

Daisy Chain Adventures said...

If you really do miss her is worth a go right? Whats the worse that can happen? I had a similar situation with a friend and after 2 years we got back in contact, we're no where near as close now but it's nice to occasionally have a cinema trip or night out with her and reminisce about old times.
If you do decide to make contact dont have expectations that are too high, go with the flow and dont push things too much.
Good luck.
xxx
http://daisychainadventures.blogspot.com/

kathleen said...

I vote yes. Definitely. At the very least, you'll feel some closure and there is always the chance that the two of you will reconnect. It's never a bad thing to put yourself out there for the people you love. Right? Xoxo

msprimadonna67 said...

I don't think I could hurt to reach out and try to mend broken fences. Sometimes it takes a little travel down separate paths to bring people back together again. And if the break is one she (or you) can't move past, you can live without regret, knowing you tried. I wish you luck.

undomestic chica said...

You'll never know if you don't try. Just keep in mind that things will not automatically go back to the way they were. Rebuilding any relationship takes time and a lot of trust which may be a little hard to come by right now. I'm sure if you both are willing to nurture your friendship you can one day be close like you had been. Good luck!

Nina said...

I think it's worth reaching out. The worst that can happen is she says she's not interested in reconnecting. Then you know. Friends are with you when you're making the journey through life and it's not always a smooth road and you make plenty of mistakes. I've done some stupid things to my friends and years later they've been able to forgive and today i would never trade our bond for anything in the world. i've been their bridesmaid twice already : )

Brahmin in Boston said...

Wow... I had written a long ass comment and it got lost in cyber space... Hmpf...

I think you should contact V. But try to do that w/o any expectations. I have been there done that but always ended up putting too much belief that if I have sincerely apologized. Which is not the case, always.

Simply Valorie said...

Wow, I'm sorry. That's tough. Something similar happened with my best friend from high school, but she contacted ME first. I'll be honest -- at first, I was really wary, I didn't know if she could be trusted, but we're good friends again now. So, just know that that may happen. If you DO contact her again, just make sure you don't expect too much out of it. Maybe just a "hey, I was thinking about you, I hope you're doing well." type thing?

Would a blog award make you feel better? :) http://simplyvalorie.blogspot.com/2010/02/im-beautiful.html

Melina said...

I'm so sorry. I completely identify with you. I really miss my ex-best friend too. She stopped talking to be because I told her that I couldn't live with her the following school year because I decided to go to another university (she still had 5 months to find a place to live). It's ridiculous really, but it's out of my hands. I feel like we broke up or something, it's been so difficult for me. I think you should definitely reconnect with her! She probably misses you as much as your miss her. Don't be too proud, it's really never too late to start anew.

accidentally, kle said...

I think, having given it a bit of thought, that you should probably try, but not harbour too much hope (just in case).

I've been on the receiving end of a situation where my ex best friend was made to choose between her now-husband and myself. She chose him and I was heartbroken for ages.

We're sort of in touch now but with him still in the picture, I just don't trust the situation one bit and things will NEVER be the same between us. BUT your situation is different because he's not around any longer. Still, be aware that you'll probably not reach the same level of friendship again. Trust is very hard to rebuild. But I do think you should try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, huh? :) Good luck! x

pinkapplecore said...

You never know until you try, and you don't want to be 80 and regret not calling her up.

I hope all goes well....

angel6033 said...

I feel that enough time has passed that the two of you can re connect and see if there is anything left in your friendship, friends are not worth loosing over a guy, and I think your friendship deserves a second try :)

Novelista Barista said...

thanks everyone for ur input/..... its so nice to have un-bias opinions... i really really appreciate it :)

imlivinginadream said...

I don't blame you for wanting to get back into contact with her. Making a choice like that definitely can't be easy, but it's understandable why you made it. That being said, you've obviously learned from it & you want to try a friendship that meant a lot to you again. Hopefully she's willing to do that too! Good luck, I hope you guys work it out :D

.:*aMbAr*:. said...

Yes, just be honest with her. Tell her how much you've always missed her, and that you realize that the whole choosing thing was wrong.

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