BH Files - In Need of a Mind Eraser

By Sarah

Do you ever wish that you could just erase something from your mind.... and pretend that it never happend? Or just press a rewind button and make it so that it never did?

It has been almost two months since you dumped me. Only, you wouldn't want me to use the word dump because it's too harsh for your pretty world. Yesterday (March 25th) should have been our anniversary, I didn't want to remember it, but it just popped out in my mind.

You know, if you're planning to dump me for somebody else, then make it plan in that fact: You don't like me anymore. If you could have just been honest, I might have been a little less hurt. The lies that you tell are like salt in the wound. I'll pretend that you don't exist at all if it weren't for one thing: your pity.

Other than that, I really have nothing to say to you. You are, as far as I'm concerned, not worth it. I cried. It was a waste of tears.

I think the worst part of this all is that your "sympathy" is all just words to make yourself look better. I can't believe you. It's downright pity and I'm too proud to accept it. I don't deserve something that cheap when something real might come my way. I don't need you, either.

We hardly speak anymore, even though you tell me you want to get back together with me. Whatever. It hurts me to say that I think we are done for a while. You can’t back up your statements, and you hardly even try to get me back. That’s okay with me. you go your way, and I’ll go mine.

I was really fucked up. At first I feel as though it's my fault. Feeling like nothing, and so close to falling apart. But in time, I come to realize that I did nothing wrong; that it's his loss, that I am so much better without that one boy who didn't ever care. I live and I learn, that's how it is. I'm over him.

I’ve got a life waiting for me.

It's been almost two months on my own, and I don't think that anything anybody could say could make that fact go away.

BH Files - If It's Not Too Much To Ask..

If It's Not Too Much To Ask...

please don't hold my hand, when you mean to let go someday.

please don't give me sweet nothings, if you only mean them as remembrances.

please don't treat me special, if you're only being nice.

please don't tell me you'll miss me, because i might not have the guts to leave.

please don't ask if i'll miss you, because i already do.

please don't hug me tight, because i might not want to let go.

please don't be so lovable, if you're loved by someone else.

please don't ask me to stay, when you know i'm about to leave.

please don't tell me i'm amazing, when you don't plan to make me yours.

please don't wake me up everyday, because i'm getting used to it.

please don't be so caring, because i'll miss that when you're gone.

please don't be sad when i'm not around, because i'll be sad too.

please don't be so wonderful, when i know you'll never be mine.

and please, please...

don't say and act like you love me, because i just might believe it, and fall

BH Files - A Promise Broken

“A Promise Broken”

by Yessika at angel6033.blogspot.com

On a boring Saturday night the beginning of the end would begin, I did not know this.

I had decided to invite my best friend over for a night of movies and hanging out. At around 8 p.m. we found ourselves talking about guys and relationships. I had never had a proper boyfriend except for a few dates and crushes, I had nothing, I was only 16 this fact made me feel like a loser. Many of my other friends had already dated and in fact currently had boyfriends. My friend all of the sudden had a brilliant idea, she had a friend that she knew I had potential with. I agreed to give him a call, out of boredom and of course out of curiosity.

I suddenly found myself talking to this absolute stranger. I immediately liked him, not only from our conversation but from what my friend had already told me about him. There was only one downside, a HUGE downside; he was from another city in Texas and not a close one either. He lived 12 hours away by bus. I was not concerned about this since I figured it would not go anywhere, if anything I would just talk to this person and perhaps have a friend. That night my friend ended up leaving, when I returned from dropping her off I called him again, our conversation lasted 5 a.m.

We talked for months; I was smitten I loved everything about him. He was everything I had wanted in a boyfriend. Living in El Paso it was very difficult to find “my type” of guy around here. See I like rockers, punk, Goths, ect. I like a guy with an alternative edge and to top it all off, I love “white” guys. See, in El Paso there is nothing but Mexicans, and I am not being racist or anything, I am myself a Mexican but I simply connect better with “white” guys. Well Scott was everything, tall with piercing blue/green eyes, covered in tattoos and piercing.

He finally decided to come meet me for my birthday and after my high school graduation. August 11, 2005 to be exact would be the day I finally met him face to face. I spent the whole week counting down the days, minutes, hours, and then he was here! I drove to the hotel to meet him and when I saw him standing there from the balcony I thought I was dreaming. We spent a whole 5 days together. Night and day, we watched movies, talked, got to know each other, and drove around time in a daze. When he left on that Greyhound bus I knew I had fallen and fallen hard.

We continued for 4 years. The same was every 3 to 6 months he would come and spend a week with me. We talked on the phone non-stop in between. He wrote me letters, sent me videos, for my birthday or Christmas I could always expect a package at my door. I loved him like I have never loved anyone in my life. I gave him everything that I could. He was everything, and that is where I failed miserably.

From the start of our relationship I saw signs that he was a liar. I was very in love, so I ignored all the small signs. Now I know that he was a pretty bad liar, perhaps bad enough for it to be considered a mental disorder. So he once lied about his own suicide. He faked it, when I tried to break it off.

Everything ended very abruptly when I got a call from a woman a year ago. January 09’ she called me and asked me who I was. She then continued to tell me she was Scott’s fiancée. Not only that but she had recently given birth to a baby girl. He had been with her for 2 years. I had no idea about this at all. I mean at one point I might have suspected of him cheating, but never like this. Never a complete double life, which he had build over the life he had promised we would have. I never will know how he did it. How he managed to still come see me, buy me stuff, call me, and send me money when he had a pregnant fiancé at home. Everything fell apart. I never heard from him again. The end of our relationship was through HER, not him.

It has been a year and all the promises he made me still remain in my heart. I will forever love him, I know that. I do believe that I am over him and since then I have dated other guys. I always held hope that I may hear his voice again, just a call, some kind of closure. I have so many un-answered questions. What happened?

The last time I spoke to him, he asked me to marry him; he said he had the ring ready and that he would come down here immediately, that I just had to say the word. I said no. We were already so damaged. I wonder now what he would have done had I said yes.



*if you have a broken heart story you would like to share, please email it to me*

BH Files - Would you like Fries w/your Broken Heart?

"Would you like fries with your broken heart?"

BY: Kelly at http://guiltyofgossip.blogspot.com/

It was a typical college day… me and my boyfriend D were chatting after I had just gotten off work at the coffee shoppe. We had been exclusive for about three years and through our ups and downs- breaks and break-ups, we were still trying to hang on.

Sometimes there is no reason why something isn’t working out; it just doesn’t feel the same... The flame slowly burns out overtime, and neither partner can predict it.
This is what was happening between D and me.

“I just feel like were stuck in a rut, ya know?” I said.

“I know, I can’t figure out what is going wrong.” D said.

Awkward silence…

“Do you wanna go to Arby’s- I’m starved.” D- clearly changing the subject, but my tummy was growling as well.

We walked out of the dorm in silence and I drove because my car was parked right in front. The car always brings out fights…at least my car does.

“But it never seems like you try to do anything spontaneous and you never surprise me with anything nice!”- yep, I threw out the spontaneous card.

“That’s all you care about are things and that I am doing something for you everyday… I love you and that should be all I need to do.” D threw back.

“No- love is about so much more, we have to keep the relationship alive somehow.”

We were both frustrated- With each other and with love in general. And I said the one thing that I had grown accustomed to saying…

“Should we go on a break?”

“What does ‘break’ even mean, we go on breaks and we end up still fooling-around and then we are back to where we started!” D yelled.

*Roll down window*
Me: “Ummm hi, can we get two number 3’s please… both with dr. pepper, thanks.”
Arby’s lady: “Your total is $9.55, please pull around.”

“Well fine, let’s break up completely then… I don’t know what it is this time, but usually when we go on breaks, I always know, deep down, that we will get back together... but I don’t feel that at all this time.”

Sometimes it is your own declaration of what has been running around in your mind that can slap you in the face harder than anyone else’s words. This is what I had just done to myself.

The tears started flowing just as we pulled up to the window.

“I know, but we can still be friends… we will work on being friends, okay?”

“oh-o-kay” I said through my now blubbering sobs.

Arby’s lady: “$9.95” I hand her the money “oh geeez.” I hear her say under her breath.

*(This happened to me about 3 years ago, so now I can really laugh about it. I digress…)

Apparently fast food workers think you can’t hear through the drive-thru window that doesn’t even shut all the way.

Arby’s lady: “Shoot! This girl in the drive-thru is ballin’ her eyes out!!”
Another Arby’s employee: “Really? She by herself?”
Arby’s lady: “No, there’s a dude in there too, probably his fault.”

I turn to D and crack a slight smile and he says…

“How does she know its my fault?” With slight sarcasm.

Arby’s lady comes back around the corner and hands me the bag of food.

“Here you go sweetie, cheer up- I put an apple turnover in there for you- on the house.”

First of all, the use of ‘on the house’ coming from Arby’s is hilarious. Second, this really did cheer me up, who doesn’t love a free apple turnover?

“Thank you, that was very nice- I’ll be okay.” I say trying to break a laugh through my tears. Then, Arby’s lady leans to her left so she could get a look at D and says…

“That turnover is for her, not you okay heartbreaker?”

D didn’t know what to do, but I was cracking up at this point, I had totally forgotten about the recent demise of our three year relationship with this comment. I thanked the Arby’s lady one last time and drove off.

“I can’t believe that just happened…” said D with a dumbfounded look on his face.

“Which part- us breaking up or the Arby’s lady calling you out?” I chuckled…

“Both.”

The end.

Broken Heart Files - All Things Fade

there are too many parts that have comprised our demise to put into finite terms. i can't even begin, i don't know where to begin. i don't know where we begin and where we end. did we even end?

so many questions, so many detours, so many mistakes.

the part of me that knows better now, is the part writing to you tonight. from a place of great sadness, great remoteness and great mis-understanding of how we came into being, of how we were, of how we progressed, and how we are. we have gotten to the other side. the side i'd thought i'd never see. in the simplest of terms, the endearment and love and devotion she had for me has faded and it's been replaced by a guarded, jaded and resentful being. which she attributes to my mistakes and putting everything else in my life before the relationship. that is where she says it all stems back to. where all our problems began. i chose a job over her. i chose my friends. i chose my living arrangement. i never chose her. that led to resentment on her part and feeling unloved. and then we began to fight. me, too bitter and resentful of what she was trying to rob me of- her, too tired from trying to win my love and receiving nothing in return. her feeling like shit eventually led to her not wanting to take it anymore, and feeling like i never put her first. so she saw no other way than to end the relationship. and give herself the time and space she needs to refocus on other areas of her life that she neglected for me. but no longer. i am no longer a priority. i am no longer important. i am nothing.

i took for granted too long. i made too many mistakes. i thought she would never leave. i didn't think she was capable of leaving. i didn't think she would actually do it. didn't think she wanted to be without me. so i pushed and pushed. and here we are. i knew this was a possibility, yet i did nothing to prevent it. i actually encouraged it. i just don't know how.

these are the simple answers. and there are none. my reasons alone for how we got here could fill a book. for now, i am focusing on the part that she no longer wants to be with me because of my actions. i have to accept responsibility for them. claim them as my own. until i do that, i will be of no use to her or myself or our relationship, or any relationship. i recognize my mistakes. i wish i could take them back because they were foolish. but there are other things i don't apologize for. but there is no time for regrets and wasted wishes. we are where we are now. we can't go back. i cannot undo. i can only do better from now on.

no matter the reasons for being here, no matter what path we took to get here. i know we needed to get here. i know this is for the better. for both of us. i wanted out. i needed out. i couldn't waste any more time working at something i knew was doomed. but it still hurts like a fucking bitch to know that it could have been different, that if i hadn't done certain things, we would have survived. but would we have thrived? could we have ever thrived? i would have had to alter myself to an unknown degree, more than i already had. and remove parts of my soul in order to stay like we were. that would have been the price. i was already paying and it was killing me. the price to make us work would have been steep. and i don’t know if i should have paid it or not. i chose not to pay it. and now i am paying with a broken heart.

doesn't that mean we weren’t good for each other? we weren't meant to be together? how can you want to be with someone so badly, yet know that it is not right at the same time? how can you choose yourself over someone else who you love and loves you so truly, and so purely? how can you hurt them so bad when all they want is your love in return? because you know its not right? so you hurt them anyway? then you regret it. you hurt them because they love you too much? more than you're capable of loving? you want them to love you no matter what you do, and not have to answer to any rules but make them still love you anyway? what does it mean? when you pull your highest bet, your heart, off the table because you know it is not working in your favor, and you end up killing the relationship in the process.

if you know that you are probably both better off apart, yet how can you want to so badly to be with someone? you at one minute feel like you can change yourself to be with them, and do whatever it takes. the next minute, you feel resentful and thinking, get me out of this before i suffocate.

how is it possible to feel all these things at once?

we have swung a spectrum of emotions and colors from the beginning of our time together. and now here we are. in a million different places, and a million different pieces. scattered and tattered. worn out and worn in. opposites and the same at the same time. how did we get here?

that road is complicated, complex and convex. it doesn't stem from one emotion or single act. It’s a tangled nest of feelings and actions and reactions and resentments and trying to rebuild what was, or what never was. i've weaved a tangled mess around myself that even i, as the weaver, cannot fully understand. i understand it's ramifications and its consequences. but i don't fully understand it's reasons for being and existence in the first place. and its reasons for coming to fruition and building and growing and taking over. those reasons are still foggy to me. even though i built them, i can't fully grasp the reasons behind why.

it would be easier if this was cut and dry - the result of one act of infidelity or simply a lover 's loss of love for the other person. a person's affection's being drawn to another woman. a person's moving across the nation, or choosing career over family. a clash between living arrangements and babies. a falling out of love. those things are explainable. they are finite, they are definable and they make sense to the parties involved, and to the outside world. they paint a picture of typical love stories gone wrong. people understand them, they accept them as truth. not having to wonder why makes it easier to accept the truth and move on. even if it's a blanket lie told to shield the second party from the actual harshness of truth. when a person hears one of those statements from their soon-to-be ex, they may hate it. but eventually they will accept it. because those are considered valid reasons to end an otherwise good relationship.

what is the price for love? what price is too high? asking too much. how do you know when you've sacrificed too much of yourself or not enough of yourself for the other person? how do you know how much to compromise in order to be happy? love is a compromise, not a fairy tale. but how much is too much? how much of yourself do you have to give up in order to be with someone else? where is the limit? who sets the bar? who decides?

I don’t have these answers. It’s been nine months since we’ve parted and I still don’t have the answers. It’s all just memories now, and I’m still in the “I just broke up with someone” stage. How I move on from this, how I move forward from here, I still don’t have that answer. I don’t know if I will ever fully make sense of our relationship, or what how it started, what it became, how it ended so tragically, and how I carry the pain with me everyday. Of feeling like I failed the first person I ever loved. I haven’t figured out how to get over it yet, if I ever will. I need to be on my own for a while, remember how to be alone and be okay with it. I’ve relied on another person for two years, to have their support and to lift me up and make me feel loved and not so alone in this world. Now that is gone and I must find the strength to face the world again- alone, single, brave. I’ll never be the same person I was two years ago before all of this, but it will fade. as all things do.

BH Files - The Envious Sister

By I know, Right?

Y came into my world after I was lifting myself up from a self-inflicting depression.

For the first two years of college, I had suffered from terrible acne which caused my self-esteem to plummet to the ground. I didn’t make that many friends. I rarely dated. I hated myself. My obsession with fashion dissolved. After all, I didn’t look good in clothes anymore, anyway.

By the time I turned 20, my acne had cleared completely, but my self-esteem had not. I was still wearing jeans and a sweatshirt every day. I never brushed my hair. No makeup. Why bother?

But I was happy enough to join the college newspaper—something I had intended to do for the past two years.

As soon as I joined the staff as a writer, I immediately developed a crush on the handsome sports editor, Y. Half Egyptian-half German, he was the best-looking guy on staff and I knew I didn’t stand a chance with him. So, I didn’t bother talking to him and for the most part, I pretty much ignored him.

But a few months into my new job, Y took me aside as asked me to start writing profiles on all the prestigious athletes at our school, to bring a more human interest aspect to the sports section. I agreed and soon I found myself forced to spend more time with Y. But still, I kept to myself and never looked him in the eyes.

Oddly, everyone on staff kept insisting that Y liked me. And sure enough, strange occurrences opened my eyes. Once, when I was shivering, Y ran all the way across campus to buy me an $80 sweatshirt. The day after I had a minor surgery, Y took me out for a picnic.

We ended up becoming close friends and then shortly afterward he confessed he was in love with me. It was the happiest day of my life. It had been the first time anyone ever told me that.

I felt like the most beautiful girl in the world. I started wearing a little bit of makeup again. I threw away all my jeans and sweatshirts (well, except the one he bought me, haha) and started wearing my favorite clothes: mini dresses, long skirts, silky blouses, and cashmere sweaters.

For the next year things were almost perfect. We spent every single day together. He would always surprise me with little gifts. He called me every single night to tell me he loved me. I found myself smiling every day.

But things weren’t perfect. I learned when Y was a kid, his mother had left the family. As a result, his older sister F became a second mother to him and his little brother. The two guys constantly put her on a pedestal, even though I secretly believed she didn’t deserve it. She treated her brothers like slaves, asking them to drop everything they were doing to drive her places or do her own school assignments. They were always cleaning her apartment. She never thanked them, just expected it.

It was a nuisance I put up with, because, after all, F was his sister. But soon it became clear that F would not put up with me.

You see, F was getting her Masters in journalism. She had been the editor-in-chief of our college newspaper years before, and her goal in life was to be a reporter.

So was mine.

While I was dating her brother, my undergraduate career as a journalist was taking off. I was receiving national awards for my stories. I was earning prestigious scholarships. Our local newspaper (my current employer) even created a special winter internship just for me because I was interning somewhere else during the summer. It was a dream-come-true.

F wanted to kill me.

She started making chores for Y on days she knew we had plans. She started telling him that I was not good enough for him. She made up rumors about me to all her friends. She tripped me in the hallways at our university and laughed about it.

I tried to explain to Y what was going on, but he would not hear it. F was the most important woman in his life. She could do no wrong.

It broke my heart that I wasn’t the most important woman in his life. I spent a lot of nights crying, wondering why he couldn’t see how much his sister was hurting me.

A month after our college graduation, it all fell apart.

I was offered a reporting job at our local newspaper. It was a highly sought after position that a lot of my fellow journalism students and even F had applied for.

The day after I broke the news to Y, he broke up with me. His sister had told him to do it.

It was shocking and horrifying. I had loved him so much and yet he could just break up with me on command. I felt like someone had ripped out my insides.

I didn’t eat for eight days afterward and had to be hospitalized. It took me six months to get over him.

But it is three years later and I still don’t understand. And every time I see a mutual friend on facebook refer to him or mention him, it still burns. Every time I hear about a new girl in his life, I want to cry.

I’m with someone new now—the real love of my life—but the pain still lingers. Y was my first love and it ended because of his immaturity. It ended because his sister told him to do it.

What a shame.

It's Up

I finally wrote it..

It was really hard and sad to write, but it made me feel a little bit better to lay it all out there.

I hope it can help someone out there somewhere....

Ugh :(

Now that I have shared my wonderfully broken heart file, please send me yours! I need more! Please email me yours at jennifera328@gmail.com

The Story of T and I

Broken Heart Files -The Story of T and I

by me, novelista barista.

Where do I start? {ps this will be long}

There is no real good place to start but I guess the beginning.

2003, my second year of college, my roommate Tina and I moved out of the doors into an apartment in Pleasantville. It was a shit hole, but we fixed it up as nice as we could afford. We never really met the neighbors until when it started to get warm outside.

One day I came back from work, I was a waitress then, and saw two guys sitting outside listening to reggae, wearing Bob Marley shirts with camo pants sitting in the lawn chairs in the back parking lot between our steps and our neighbors drinking Budweiser. I said hi and kept on going inside. This went on for a couple days until I finally decided to sit down with them and drink some beer.

And that is where it all started.

We did this every single day. Me, T and my neighbor Francis from Zambia. My roommate Tina started coming out more and more to hang out with us, then Francis's girlfriend (who was my actual neighbor) Jane came more too. We began cooking on the grill, and doing this every single day. We eventually recruited about 5-10 more people depending on the day. It was fun times.

At the time I was sort of seeing this Irish rocker guy from the city who I met at my internship at this crazy music studio in NYC named Darren. We hung out a lot and he liked me way too much. It was Tina's birthday and T was invited and Darren was invited and at this point I had developed a huge crush on T. That night at the bar, T cornered me and told me that he liked me and wanted to be with me. I was torn...although I knew what I wanted to do. Within the next couple of days I sort of stopped talking to Darren and started dating T.

T was there everyday all the time, basically living in our apartment. We dated for the summer and by the end I still liked him, but I had been in and out of relationships and was flirting with lots of people and was in college and didn't really want exactly what he was looking for.

ENTER JAY. I went away with him as a friend, we made out, I broke up with T and started hanging out with Jay.

T was really mad, he hooked up with Tina. I didn't really care, but it made everything really awkward. It didn't last long with the two of them.

FAST FORWARD TO 2005.

I am living with Tina in another apartment. We have maintained friendships with T and his friends and they hang out every so often. Tina starts dating T hardcore, like he moved in with us for 3-4 months. At this point i dont care that much either because I was caught in my own mess with Jay. Tina goes back home for a couple of weeks, she cheats on T, T finds out, is devastated and gets really depressed. I find him a house with his friends to live in and he moves out. I move out right after that to a studio apartment.

FAST FORWARD TO 2006.

I am not living with Tina anymore, but we're still friends. I just graduated college in May. Jay and I are basically broken up for good at this point, he is in Mississippi. My car breaks down in the middle of the road. I call T. He fixes the fuel pump in my car for a week. I hang out with him everyday until its fixed. We continue to hang out every day for the entire summer. By August we are hanging out ALL the time and I basically tell him we're dating. At this point T is an alcoholic and he drinks every single day and gets wasted to the point of angriness. We fight a lot due to this. We fight even more because I usually got to his house late. I still love him.

By my birthday in March, we are seriously dating, Tina knows, she doesnt care, but he HATE HATE HATES her and she isn't allowed to come to my birthday party. This is the beginning of the downfall of mine and Tina's friendship. Tina and I have stopped talking by April and everything is good between T and I. By June we move into our first apartment together. We are happy and in love and everything in great.

Right after we get back from Spain & Portugal, where we had a great and wonderful trip, T gets into a motorcycle accident in the summer and his knee gets fucked up and I take care of him for the entire summer. He is finally able to go back to work in September and we are sort of having issues but overall everything is pretty fine.

November, I want to friend Tina again because I missed my best friend. T makes me choose between the two of them. I chose T. I never forgot that.

After this we started to have some more problems, he would use things against me, we would fight about a lot of things.

2008 - We moved into another apartment. Things were still sort of iffy between the two of us but we just kept going. At this point he had stopped sleeping in bed with me. I would have to beg him to sleep with me. I thought by moving into another apartment, it would liven things up in our relationship and we would do more things because in our other apartment we were in the middle of no where and never did anything. I successfully accomplished the doing more things, slightly. I am the one who went out and did more things. T did not.

I just want you to know, that when T was good, he was good. He treated me well. He provided for me, he made me dinner, he fixed my car, took me out to dinner, brought me flowers, took me on vacations, watched tv with me, made silly noises with me, laughed with me, fixed things for my parents, hung out with my friends (unwillingly), loved me unconditionally (until the end), dealt with a lot of my bullshit, let me do whatever i wanted, bought me things i wanted, had favorite shows with me, watched lame girlie movies with me... some many things. We had great times. I honestly loved the kid so fucking much that it hurts to write this whole story, even as I write in short due to keeping it legible and trying to be factual and not making it hurt at the same time.

March 2009 - By this time i have been unhappy for a while, but have kept it to myself. I was trying to fix it because i thought it was just with me. I thought that i was just depressed so i thought i could fix it. We go to Costa Rica for my birthday and have a great time. Loved that trip so much. We get back and things are not good anymore. At this point I realized we were going to have a serious problem that I wasn't ready to handle.

May 2009- We go to Peru. I am all over the place by this time because now i am really unhappy and trying to let it not ruin our trip since we were there for two weeks together. By the time I came back i was so distraught because I realized T and I were basically just friends who loved each other and nothing else. And after this realization, I became a miserable mess.

July 4th - I get the balls to tell T. He leaves me for a week and then he finally comes back to talk to me. I was so distraught that I gave in and took him back.

I wrote the beginning and the middle & semi-end back in July explaining exactly what was going on and why I felt the way I felt. I can't rewrite them here because it hurts too much.

In August we were basically broken up but living together and he would walk out as I walked in. This was probably the worst summer of my entire life. I have never been so depressed in my life. That is when I wrote about how I felt about the break up.

September 1st. The last day I saw him.

It is now November 19th. It has been almost 4 months. No texts, no calls, no running into each other, no seeing each other, no nothing.

It has been better that way. If i saw him I dont know what I would say, I think I might turn and run the opposite direction because I would break down and cry. I wouldnt even know what to say if he text me or called me. But he wont.

He never will.

Ever.

To him I am dead. I am another person who fucked him over.

Another person to be cut out of his life.

He will never admit to how much he misses me, if he does..

I will tell you this, I loved that kid so fucking much, I tried so hard, through his alcoholicness, abusive words, fights, screaming, crying, laughing, vacations, moving, EVERYTHING. I loved that kid so fucking much it HURTS me to write this. I would have married that fucking kid if he had proposed to me. I cry writing this because it's over.

I hate to lose him from my life, but there was no other way to go. He was never going to understand me and I was too tired to try to make him.

It is sad that our relationship ended due to miscommunication and ignorance and denial.

What doesn't kill you makes you strong, right?

I guess. I think a part of me died in the break up process. I buried her in our Pleasantville apartment.

I will leave you with this.

"whatever life takes away from you, let it go. when you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment. letting go of the past means you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now"--dmr


never settle. life is too short.

Broken Heart Files - "The Price of Free Drinks"

By Spanky Luvs It*

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was newly 21 and single. Like all fresh faced 21 year olds, she enjoyed going to the bars, drinking, being stupid and flirting with boys. This particular girl had a history of being a huge flirt, and falling in love easily. She’d been single for a while, but hadn’t been the same since the “love of her life” (who she’d dated from 12-2003 to around 4-2006) had ended things. She’d dated another guy for a bit, but ended it when she realized she’d been forcing herself to like him. She’d had flings, she’d “seen” guys, but all in all, she never got over “him” and didn’t think that he could unless she found someone amazing.

Poor, stupid, little girl…

She met the bartender at her favourite new bar and might as well have banged her head on the floor. She was done. bruised by the bite of the luv bug. That was it.

For the next few weeks, she’d dress cute, go to the bar & build a foundation with this drink slinger. He was too cute. Had the squinty eye smile, loud “santa claus” laugh that made her crack up, and before she knew it, she was painting a picture in her head that was just too perfect. (picket fences?)

Eventually, after a few months of the flirting and the free drinks, they ended up in a perfect tight situation. He ended up pulling her into the back room of the bar and kissing her neck (yum!). It was all fun & games and they laughed together through their blushing cheeks when another bartender (and friend to them both) came barging into the kitchen, catching them in the act of touchy feely, gropey kissing. They ended up in the office of the bar, but she was determined that nothing serious would happen. They kissed, he teased her, & she told him he was silly. Another bartender buddy walked in on them in the office and, to this day, it’s still one of her favourite stories with that bar.

Then, she blew it. She let her desperation, drunkenness, and longing for that perfect image to be a reality so bad that she tried to play it cool. She told him that she didn’t want to be in a relationship and that he didn’t have anything to worry about. She just wanted to spend time with him. Maybe dinner? It wasn’t for a LONG time later that she realized he wasn’t the one that needed convincing. She was lying to herself, & she was good at it. Until she saw him flirt with another girl, and her rationality would be gone as fast as the shot of tequila she took to cope.

She’d get a little nuts, yell at him, get upset and basically… be f’n crazy.

Fast Forward almost 2 years… the girl and the bartender decide that they’ll just be friends and, after apologies from the girl and no more making out, they get along great. She still sees him all the time and they laugh and have fun, but there’s nothing going on. Now it’s the summer of 2009 and the girl is being set up on a blind date. They meet at “the bar”. She shows up a half hour early on purpose to get herself comfortable with the idea of a blind date. When she walks in, of course, her bartender babe is working.

She says hello and tells him why she’s there. He gives her a free shot and says that he’ll keep an eye on her to make sure that she’s ok meeting this new guy. She does like the new guy and things seem to be good. (what she didn’t know at the time was that after 4 dates and an overnight date, HE wouldn’t call again…). New guy goes to the bathroom at one point and bartender comes over to tell the girl that things seem to be going well, and he seems like a nice guy. She can tell that he’s jealous… and she’s not being crazy.

A few weeks pass and she goes to the bar. Newly crushed by the New Guys crappy “hit it & quit it” attitude, she was looking to drink. Bartender asks where “the ball and chain” is… she laughs it off…

A few more weeks pass and the girl ends up at the bar. She finds herself tripping over the old feelings that she had for the Bartender. She flirts, he ends up pulling her into the back room again, but nothing happens. She leaves mad at herself for not letting anything happen.

After another week or two, she’s back. She knows what she wants and she makes sure that she gets it. She marches herself down to the office of the bar, where she knows the bartender is doing paper work to close up shop. She walks in, plants herself on the desk in front of him, and makes it very clear what she thinks should happen next. (but not before making sure that he covers up the security camera with a post it and rubber band!) – no, it was not how she’d hoped… but she was still happy that it had finally happened.

The next month, the girl ends up there, late night, having to use the bathroom when she came back from the city with her best friend. She ran in the bar to pee, having NO idea he’d be working. Of course, he was. This was the first time she’d seen him since their night. He asked her to stay for a beer. She complied. He asked her to stay to keep him and his friend (new bartender) company, then partake in some late night swimming. (Obviously she was going to go).

The boys go to the office to count the money, telling her that they won’t be long… but they were… too long. Something was wrong…

She goes down the stairs she’d been down way too many times, toward the room he’d held her hand and pulled her too only a few weeks before, and stepped into the doorway to the room they’d shared.

There were the boys, drinking beers and watching something on the security TV.

She asked them what they were watching, & the boys simply stated that there had been a robbery in the office and they were reviewing the footage… so, she took a seat to watch with them, hoping they’d figure it out soon because she was getting sleepy… & if she was going to pull an all nighter and go to work the next day, it was going to be because she was night swimming with her dream man, not watching security footage.

About 5 minutes passed & all of a sudden, her bartender babe was on camera, standing on the desk… leaning toward the camera… with a post-it… and a rubber band… and a goofy smile on his face. He successfully covered MOST of the camera lens, but left just enough for her to clearly see him... and another girl… on the exact spot on the grimy desk that she’d been with him only weeks before.

Her jaw was on the ground. She looked at him in disbelief, but the boys continued to point at the footage, laughing and making comments.

She didn’t know what the hell to do. She got up, walked out, walked back in & told him that she needed to talk to him… NOW!

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!!?! HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK THAT YOU SHOULD PLAY A TAPE OF YOU FUCKING SOME CHICK WHILE I WAS IN THE ROOM!?!?!" she said.

The bartender stood with a blank look on his face, beer clouding his mind and glazing his eyes.

“That was OUR tape” was the best thing he could come up with. Her eyes bugged out. She couldn’t believe that he was trying to convince her that she’d just seen a tape of the two of them… especially when the time stamp on the footage clearly stated that it had been about 48 hours previous to the moment they were living. It took 10 minutes of him trying to explain that the time stamp on the security camera is wrong, she’s wrong, it was a tape of them, etc. until he finally broke down stating simply “OK… I lied… it’s not you”.

The fighting, arguing, screaming, blaming, frustration, and disbelief continued for about 30 more minutes until she could see she wasn’t getting through to him. He was too drunk and too stupid to realize what he’d done. He’d never know that she was a good girl and good for him. She didn’t see how, even if he didn’t want to be with her, even if he was going to be with other girls, how he could POSSIBLY think that playing that tape, not stopping the tape in the 5 mins the three of them sat there looking at it, would have been a good idea, would have ended well, would have, what? Made her stoked to go night swimming with him?

That night, her fantasy reality crashed down. She’d never been so humiliated in her life. It wasn’t until she finally had been proved by another bartender friend that there wasn’t any footage of them, in actuality that she could fully breathe again, knowing there wasn’t a sex tape being watched by regulars, waiters and bartenders without her knowing.

She thought that she’d been different, but she was wrong. She told herself that she wasn’t going to be another girl, and that’s exactly what she was. She was just… “girl”.

**if you would like to submit your version of broken heart files , please email me at jennifera328@gmail.com thanks**

BH Files -The "I Love You" Text

The 'I Love You' Text

By Jim at http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/

Intelligence, curves and a wealthy father: Becky V had it all.

Trouble was, my jaw locked each time I went to invite her to the college prom.

In the end mutual friend James Subden agreed to ask on my behalf. Remarkably she said yes.

When the night finally arrived and we coyly took our seats (she in her elegant black dress, me in my brother's suit) my cheeky repartee went AWOL once more.

The prawn cocktails were served; our eyes still hadn't met. It was becoming awkward.

Began to feel a nausea which, to this day, still afflicts me in restaurants. By the time the mains were cleared, rival boys sensed my weakness. Needed to get her attention sharpish.

In a physical act of desperation I grabbed a bouquet of balloons from the middle of our table - but in doing so spilt wine in her friend's handbag. Checkmate.

My date disappeared around 10pm. Never did find out where she went.

Two years ago, after a brief and friendly reunion, I told Becky I loved her in a text. She replied that we'd only ever be friends. Haven't spoken since.

BH Files - Friends, Lovers, Friends?

The Broken Heart Files- Friends, Lovers, Friends?

By Classroom Confessions (October 2009) http://classroomconfessions.wordpress.com

I met Manny* in the spring of 2008. Fresh out of a 4 year long college relationship, I was a single gal on the loose for the first time since I was 17. Single life was not something I knew much about, but I did know that at 22, I was all about hanging out with the friends.

Manny was a recent acquaintance of a guy I’d known for ages. The night I met him, I barely noticed since I was 1) intoxicated and 2) focused on a guy I’d invited for the night.

A few days later, I received a friend request from Manny on facebook. It took me a moment to remember who this guy even was!

Shortly thereafter, Manny began seriously hanging out with our group of friends. All. The. Time. He was cute! We quickly learned we had a lot in common, despite our almost 10 year age difference. Plus, the man didn’t look a day over 26. He had just retired from the Air Force due to medical reasons and was back in Miami after 6 ½ years in the service.

Soon, we were inseparable. With a shared love of photography, salsa dancing, and World or Warcraft; we spent almost every hour of the day together that I wasn’t at work.

The summer of 2008 brought us even closer together. Without the daily time constraint of teaching, Manny and I did everything together, including taking my first trip to Washington, D.C.

In Washington, Manny and I quickly became more than friends. On our 3^rd night there we got mildly tipsy at an Irish Pub and ended up making out later on in the night. Throughout the trip, we were very couply, but nothing was official yet.

When we got back, I immediately left to St. Thomas, USVI with my two best girlfriends for a week. The entire time I was gone, Manny called and texted me several times a day every day. Still, I wasn’t sure exactly where I stood with him. I knew we were best friends and that we’d made out a few times, but we still hadn’t had that relationship talk.

Well have it we did when I got home a week later. My best friend had officially become my boyfriend and I couldn’t be happier.

Our love continued in an almost dreamlike fashion for just shy of a year. He was so honest and loving… it seemed too good to be true. I was so apprehensive in the beginning that I asked him constantly why he was with me and if he was sure. He spun stories of our future lives together and I believed him. I believed him because he was so much older; I figured he must be ready for all the things he talked about.

We even took our mutual love of photography further by starting a photography business together.

Shortly after our one year anniversary, things started to fall apart. We stopped having sex completely. I chalked it up to a bunch of things that were going on in both our lives, but I should have known. There was a week and half long period where he showed no affection toward me. No hugs, no hand holds, he wasn’t even nice.

In September 2009, we took a trip to Tampa for the long weekend. I knew that something needed to happen on this trip or we were doomed for sure.

The trip wasn’t horrible, I think we both had fun, but it was obvious that for him, the spark was no longer there.

Still, two more weeks went by before we randomly decided to talk about it. I stopped by his house on my way home on the premise of only staying a half hour since it was late. Suddenly I was talking without being able to stop. Asking him why he seemed so distant and why he had no desire to have sex with me, etc. He finally admitted that although he loved me dearly, he was not in love with me anymore.

I wish I could say it was shocking but it wasn’t. It just hurt like hell. He said he wanted to go back to the way things were before, when we were just friends. It’s been three weeks and I still haven’t figured out how to just erase a year of everything we shared.

He keeps texting me, wanting to hang out. We are in constant communication. Adding to everything is the fact that he is suffering from depression right now, and a huge part of me holds on to the idea that if he can get out of it, he might come back to me.

It’s stupid I know, but these are the BH files and my heart is still very, very broken.

**if you would like to contribute your broken heart story, photo, lyrics, anything... please email me at jennifera328@gmail.com**

BH Files - Engaged?

By Amy

I hate it that I can hear a song, so many songs, actually, and be stopped in my tracks because it reminds me of you. I hate that you still have my spare yoga mat from our Wednesday night Birkram-and-Old-Spaghetti-Factory dates. I hate that I pick up my phone to send you a text or call you just to shoot the shit, and I can’t, because I know you will never, ever answer my calls again. I hate that the only updates I get on your life come via Facebook, because we are “friends” and perhaps you like to torture me via short updates and photos of your new life.

I don’t know why I’m surprised. In the three years of our friendship, we walked the line between best friends, acquaintances, fuck buddies and almost-enemies. You have shamed me with your silence more than once. I never knew where we stood really, something that drives me nuts. But for you? I took it. I let you kiss me when you felt like it, fuck me even if I didn’t. And I liked it, truth be told. I liked being in your spotlight, in your good graces.

When we were first introduced, I wasn’t so intrigued. It wasn’t until we first had drinks that things seemed to take off. Except, they didn’t. Until the wedding of the same friend who introduced us, where we drank, slow danced and laughed. Something changed as we watched drunk people fall to the floor during “Rock Lobster” and when you nearly dropped me during that final dance.

Sometimes, I’d think you weren’t a romantic, but you’d surprise me. With a nice dinner out on my worst days, with late night phone calls, with your arms around me as you taught me to send golf balls flying into the sky, dotted with gnats that swam around us in the summer air. It was when we were waiting in line for showers in the unforgiving heat at Coachella and you got in first, and then brought me an iced coffee, and made all the other girls in line say, “Awwww!” It was the way you showed me Las Vegas for the first time, with dinners and clubbing and a room overlooking the strip, as our bodies pressed against the window, hard, over and over again. I rubbed the bruise that was left on my collarbone from that encounter, my little secret.

Still, it never quite worked. We’d try and snuggle and it felt forced. There was always a wall, talk of a serious relationship buffered by jokes and past hurts and worries that one of us would say the wrong thing, that we’d cross the line from best friends to the great unknown. Things never seemed to quite match up, but there we were, talking every day, texting non-stop, spending every last moment together. And I had hope. I really did. I thought that one day, we wouldn’t need words or boundaries or a status—that we knew.

I cared more than you did about finding you a new apartment. I spent hours listening to people describe bathrooms and bedrooms and lease specials. And then, I laid on satin sheets with you in Bed, Bath and Beyond when you asked me, “Girls will do me on these sheets, right?”

By girls, I thought you meant me. But instead, you meant girl. Another girl, a girl who was not me. But now? She IS me. She’s everything we had, except with a title and an engagement ring.

The last time I saw you, we went to our favorite bar. We took our shots and drank our drinks and danced, pressed up against the wall as usual, but this time, we were much more careful with our hands and our words. You admitted that she didn’t know where you were or who you were with, and I thought I had a chance. Until you started taking days to return my texts, and then one day, you stopped returning them at all.

You used to give me so much shit for my Facebook page. But there you were, a suggested friend in the right hand corner of my screen. I clicked. I couldn’t help it. Seeing your status as engaged took my breath away. You, the person who couldn’t bother to call me your girlfriend, who was so desperately afraid to commit, has made the ultimate promise. To someone else.

And even though my own status reads “In A Relationship” and it’s with someone I love, it hurts. I see you’ve become a fan of the band Justice, and all I remember is us in a room with thousands of other fans, dancing our hearts out in a haze of marijuana and sweat. I see that you’ve taken her all the places where I used to be your automatic date: parties, weddings, baseball games and god knows where else. And while I’m perfectly happy doing my own thing, I cant help but feel a sadness, for you, for us, for the friendship we used to share.

I wish I could click a red “x” on my heart the way I can on the god damn Facebook page that taunts me, showing me what could have been. Instead, I send you a paltry message, offering my sincere congratulations on a life that I’ll never, ever be a part of.

And you? Well, you don’t even bother to write back.

--
"The universe is made of stories, not atoms" --- Muriel Rukeyser

Check out my stories at:

Just a Titch

**Please share your stories with us, email lyrics, songs, poems, stories etc to jennifera328@gmail.com**

A Couple Things..

A couple things worth mentioning.

+ It is snowing right now in New York. WTF

+ I changed my header picture again, this I believe is the final (for now) one because I really like it. Please feel free to comment and tell me if you love it or hate it.

+ I am going to write a Broken Heart story about T, coming really soon. I wasn't sure if I was ready to or not, but I think I am. Keep on the look out for it. I will also be writing one about my ex-best friend V... should be great...

+ Thanks to everyone who has participated in my Broken Heart Files. Everyone has been really great about sending them over to me and then commenting on each others. Some people who have posted have said that it has been helpful to them in the grieving process and that is so great to know that we can do that for each other, for strangers, who come together on blogs, to support one another. Its amazing and I am so glad to be apart of it everyday! Okay enough mushy stuff!

+ There will be another giveaway tomorrow! Make sure to sign up!

+I am going to California on Wednesday and I am SO excited!!

+Is there anyway to put a timer sort of on your blog posts so that it will post the next day if you're not at the computer? Is that possible or are we not at that stage yet...?

+ It's almost Friday! And it BETTER NOT snow/ice/do anything but be SUNNY on Saturday, TB and I will be gallivanting upstate and it cannot rain!

Have a nice rainy/snowy Thursday..

BH Files - Mourning the Loss

By Somewhere Under the Sky

I was with this guy for 3 yrs and I thought he was the one, I mean it I was done for...
We broke up on the 23rd of March 2009 and by April 7th he had a brand new girlfriend and a brand new car.

I felt so very broken and lost. I was sad at not only losing him but all the friends and family that I came to know as my own. I still mourn that loss.

I hit rock bottom over the next couple weeks and months, truth be told its all a little fuzzy. I found that rye and coke softened the edges of something that cut me so deep that it hurt to breathe. I had a lot of anger towards him as to how he could just walk away from it all and act like the last 3 years didn’t matter.

It got to a really low point in about June and after realizing that my family and friends couldn’t help me get through all the anger and the sadness, I sought out professional help.I only saw the "shrink" once but she really helped me realize what I needed to do in order to start to no be so angry about it all. I knew that what I had been doing was not healthy emotionally, mentally and certainly not physically.

I'm not better by any sense of the word but i hope that i'm getting there.

BH Files - The Gorilla Suit

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