Thursday, November 19, 2009

Broken Heart Files -The Story of T and I

by me, novelista barista.

Where do I start? {ps this will be long}

There is no real good place to start but I guess the beginning.

2003, my second year of college, my roommate Tina and I moved out of the doors into an apartment in Pleasantville. It was a shit hole, but we fixed it up as nice as we could afford. We never really met the neighbors until when it started to get warm outside.

One day I came back from work, I was a waitress then, and saw two guys sitting outside listening to reggae, wearing Bob Marley shirts with camo pants sitting in the lawn chairs in the back parking lot between our steps and our neighbors drinking Budweiser. I said hi and kept on going inside. This went on for a couple days until I finally decided to sit down with them and drink some beer.

And that is where it all started.

We did this every single day. Me, T and my neighbor Francis from Zambia. My roommate Tina started coming out more and more to hang out with us, then Francis's girlfriend (who was my actual neighbor) Jane came more too. We began cooking on the grill, and doing this every single day. We eventually recruited about 5-10 more people depending on the day. It was fun times.

At the time I was sort of seeing this Irish rocker guy from the city who I met at my internship at this crazy music studio in NYC named Darren. We hung out a lot and he liked me way too much. It was Tina's birthday and T was invited and Darren was invited and at this point I had developed a huge crush on T. That night at the bar, T cornered me and told me that he liked me and wanted to be with me. I was torn...although I knew what I wanted to do. Within the next couple of days I sort of stopped talking to Darren and started dating T.

T was there everyday all the time, basically living in our apartment. We dated for the summer and by the end I still liked him, but I had been in and out of relationships and was flirting with lots of people and was in college and didn't really want exactly what he was looking for.

ENTER JAY. I went away with him as a friend, we made out, I broke up with T and started hanging out with Jay.

T was really mad, he hooked up with Tina. I didn't really care, but it made everything really awkward. It didn't last long with the two of them.


I am living with Tina in another apartment. We have maintained friendships with T and his friends and they hang out every so often. Tina starts dating T hardcore, like he moved in with us for 3-4 months. At this point i dont care that much either because I was caught in my own mess with Jay. Tina goes back home for a couple of weeks, she cheats on T, T finds out, is devastated and gets really depressed. I find him a house with his friends to live in and he moves out. I move out right after that to a studio apartment.


I am not living with Tina anymore, but we're still friends. I just graduated college in May. Jay and I are basically broken up for good at this point, he is in Mississippi. My car breaks down in the middle of the road. I call T. He fixes the fuel pump in my car for a week. I hang out with him everyday until its fixed. We continue to hang out every day for the entire summer. By August we are hanging out ALL the time and I basically tell him we're dating. At this point T is an alcoholic and he drinks every single day and gets wasted to the point of angriness. We fight a lot due to this. We fight even more because I usually got to his house late. I still love him.

By my birthday in March, we are seriously dating, Tina knows, she doesnt care, but he HATE HATE HATES her and she isn't allowed to come to my birthday party. This is the beginning of the downfall of mine and Tina's friendship. Tina and I have stopped talking by April and everything is good between T and I. By June we move into our first apartment together. We are happy and in love and everything in great.

Right after we get back from Spain & Portugal, where we had a great and wonderful trip, T gets into a motorcycle accident in the summer and his knee gets fucked up and I take care of him for the entire summer. He is finally able to go back to work in September and we are sort of having issues but overall everything is pretty fine.

November, I want to friend Tina again because I missed my best friend. T makes me choose between the two of them. I chose T. I never forgot that.

After this we started to have some more problems, he would use things against me, we would fight about a lot of things.

2008 - We moved into another apartment. Things were still sort of iffy between the two of us but we just kept going. At this point he had stopped sleeping in bed with me. I would have to beg him to sleep with me. I thought by moving into another apartment, it would liven things up in our relationship and we would do more things because in our other apartment we were in the middle of no where and never did anything. I successfully accomplished the doing more things, slightly. I am the one who went out and did more things. T did not.

I just want you to know, that when T was good, he was good. He treated me well. He provided for me, he made me dinner, he fixed my car, took me out to dinner, brought me flowers, took me on vacations, watched tv with me, made silly noises with me, laughed with me, fixed things for my parents, hung out with my friends (unwillingly), loved me unconditionally (until the end), dealt with a lot of my bullshit, let me do whatever i wanted, bought me things i wanted, had favorite shows with me, watched lame girlie movies with me... some many things. We had great times. I honestly loved the kid so fucking much that it hurts to write this whole story, even as I write in short due to keeping it legible and trying to be factual and not making it hurt at the same time.

March 2009 - By this time i have been unhappy for a while, but have kept it to myself. I was trying to fix it because i thought it was just with me. I thought that i was just depressed so i thought i could fix it. We go to Costa Rica for my birthday and have a great time. Loved that trip so much. We get back and things are not good anymore. At this point I realized we were going to have a serious problem that I wasn't ready to handle.

May 2009- We go to Peru. I am all over the place by this time because now i am really unhappy and trying to let it not ruin our trip since we were there for two weeks together. By the time I came back i was so distraught because I realized T and I were basically just friends who loved each other and nothing else. And after this realization, I became a miserable mess.

July 4th - I get the balls to tell T. He leaves me for a week and then he finally comes back to talk to me. I was so distraught that I gave in and took him back.

I wrote the beginning and the middle & semi-end back in July explaining exactly what was going on and why I felt the way I felt. I can't rewrite them here because it hurts too much.

In August we were basically broken up but living together and he would walk out as I walked in. This was probably the worst summer of my entire life. I have never been so depressed in my life. That is when I wrote about how I felt about the break up.

September 1st. The last day I saw him.

It is now November 19th. It has been almost 4 months. No texts, no calls, no running into each other, no seeing each other, no nothing.

It has been better that way. If i saw him I dont know what I would say, I think I might turn and run the opposite direction because I would break down and cry. I wouldnt even know what to say if he text me or called me. But he wont.

He never will.


To him I am dead. I am another person who fucked him over.

Another person to be cut out of his life.

He will never admit to how much he misses me, if he does..

I will tell you this, I loved that kid so fucking much, I tried so hard, through his alcoholicness, abusive words, fights, screaming, crying, laughing, vacations, moving, EVERYTHING. I loved that kid so fucking much it HURTS me to write this. I would have married that fucking kid if he had proposed to me. I cry writing this because it's over.

I hate to lose him from my life, but there was no other way to go. He was never going to understand me and I was too tired to try to make him.

It is sad that our relationship ended due to miscommunication and ignorance and denial.

What doesn't kill you makes you strong, right?

I guess. I think a part of me died in the break up process. I buried her in our Pleasantville apartment.

I will leave you with this.

"whatever life takes away from you, let it go. when you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment. letting go of the past means you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now"--dmr

never settle. life is too short.



Michelle said...

Oh, wow. Can I just say that I totally got, understood, followed, etc. that whole story without knowing any of the other extra deets you referred to?

I totally get the hurt. I completely understand the emotions and pain about T and how he's now gone.

And, I really appreciate the end quote...because it's true. Often times we don't realize it, but it's definitely true. Thank you for reminding me of that. ;-)

Moonjava said...

*hugs* You'll find your Mr. Right someday!

Kattrina said...

Your story was so real, and so very very true.
I see that "settling" so often now, I think cuz I'm on the cusp of turning 30 (yes, I am old, but hopefully still cool) and my friends are all worried that they are going to die alone. I think that that is a huge fear of a lot of people. So, I see people dating guys and not being overly excited about it. Not giggling about crushes or gabbing on and on about their man, etc. The way it was in high school or college - when "love" took over and you couldn't get enough of the other person. When I was in grad school, and still single (because I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 25 - yes, I am pathetic) I used to have dreams about marrying good male friends of mine and in the dream I would know that I was settling and I would be scared as I walked down the aisle. Then I would wake up and I'd be so scared that one day I would settle because I still hadn't found someone I could love and trust - just great male friends that I could trust.
But then, after all those years, I met my first soon-to-be husband, the first guy I ever dated, and I had the butterflies in my belly and it never went away. He's broken my heart, he makes me cry, he completely doesn't understand me (partly because he's Honduran and there is a huge culture divide), but he makes me feel alive and he makes me want to want him. And although I am terrified that he'll break my heart again or that we'll eventually realize we have nothing in common and the butterflies will disappear - I feel like this is enough. This is all I want. And I don't ever want to let it go. He completes me in a weird way that NO ONE understands.

So, after all that rambling for no reason what so ever, since you didn't ask about me at all, I would say to you, that only you know what the right choice for you is. Only you know what is in your heart and what you want for your life. And I think you are beautiful and I know that one day you will find your other half and that person will be so right for you. And your doubts will go away. But you should trust yourself to make the best decisions for you - because everyone will tell you their opinions, but they are outsiders because they aren't there with you. But your real friends will support any decision you make. So, keep on living and keep on dreaming, because something great is going to come along. I promise. K? And that girl who died in Pleasantville (which, by the way, is such an ironic name for the place that this all happened) will emerge from the rubble and be a better person because of what happened.
Just remember to take care of you....

Jennifer Fabulous said...

I'm sorry. :( I wish I could make the pain go away...

Brandi said...

I have felt that sadness and emptiness. Nothing else in the world can compare to it.

The quote you included at the end of your post is so true, yet so hard to actually accomplish. I hope you get there. And when you do, give me your secret, please!

The Girl of Make Believe said...

*Hug* I hope you find someone who makes you happy!

Kimberly said...

This made me so sad. WIshing I could hug you right now. You are extremely courageous.
Thank you so much for sharing this story.

mysterg said...

I could feel your pain whilst reading this but I believe you will look back on this experience and smile one day.

amindinmotown said...

That had to be crazy difficult to write, but thanks for sharing it with us all. And what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right? Breakups aren't easy, especially when you live with the person and love them (I've been there). But things happen for reasons that we may never even realize...

Brooke said...

I'm thinking you need a vacay to Rome, alone, with no T! You can enjoy Rome and get your head straight. You deserve it chicka!!!

.:*aMbAr*:. said...


I kinda don't have anything else to say, except that I love the quote at the end. and it's very true, and you're amazing, and he's not! and...... ok that's it bye


Cuddleslut said...

wowsers.... a long and tough story.

I feel for ya. Some guys are just such a part of our history. We're stuck with them forever in some way.

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