Thursday, September 24, 2009

Interactive Thursday!

Topic:
Do you check your boyfriend/girlfriends text messages, call history, facebook or email?? Do you think it is okay or not okay to do so? Why or Why Not?
(thanks conor!)




Mine:

NO! It is def not okay. But that doesn't mean I haven't done it. I did it with Jay... like ALL of the time. But the only only only reason I did it was because he gave me some serious evidence of WHY I should be doing it. But then again, did it really help me out? No, because I never said anything, I just kept it to myself and got more angry and ended up hating him. But it did help me realize he was cheating on me, although I never did anything about it.

Before him, I really didn't have a reason to check anyone's phone or anything and facebook wasn't around and text messages weren't big then. But now... I mean, you would really have to give me a reason to not trust you for me to do that. This will sound sort of hypocritical, but sometimes I would check T's phone when we were in a fight to see if he said something about me to his friends. But yeah.. its still not right. Because I would be mad if he checked mine.

And facebook! Oh god... that has caused so many problems in so many peoples relationships that I have know, it is insane!!! Granted everyone I have dated in the past years has never had facebook so it was just easier that way, but from talking to friends and everyone, it has been a real burden to some people. Which also seems ridiculous, but you know how some people can be, just don't care about the consequences of what you write on someone's page!

I would really love to hear your thoughts on this! I have had some friends do this constantly and it really gets them in trouble and ruins their relationships and it sucks to see happen... but one could argue that there shouldn't even be anything there for them to check and get upset about! But that is a whole other argument for another day!

Thoughts?! Comments?!


34 comments:

amindinmotown said...

Good question.

I guess where I fall is that it isn't "okay" to do, but that doesn't mean I don't.

Without going into longer-than-necessary explanation, I have some trust issues, and I have with every boyfriend. I'm also OVERLY nosey, so it's very difficult for me not to pry.

Do I know it's wrong? Absolutely. Do I do it anyway? Yes. I am that girl. But it's never much caused a problem in any of my relationships. Plus, the boyfriends always knew I did it anyway. They just learned to deal. And I also have no problem with them going through my stuff. If there's anything there to hide, the relationship shouldn't exist anyway.

Sonja said...

aw! Thank you for the very sweet comments!! that means ALOT!! :)

To answer you interactive question.

I have never checked my husbands texts, emails, phone calls, or anything of that nature. I've never really had a reason to! The only time I look at text messages are when one of his friends texts and we're mutual friends. I'll text back pretending to be him with a funny comment lol but that's about it.

When I was dating someone before my husband I did check his phone once. & I found out that he was talking to other girls. Wanting to go on dates and other inappropriate (sp? that looks horribly wrong hahaha forgive me) things. Needless to say he was a goner. lol

~**Dawn**~ said...

I've come to the conclusion (at least in my own experience) that there are two kinds of people who "check up" on their significant others: those who have that nagging feeling that they should be suspicious (I've learned to never doubt that feeling again) & those that are engaged in questionable behavior that makes them paranoid that the other person must be as well. I was the first kind; my ex was the other. Ahem.

I don't think it's ok. I think you (generally, not you specifically) need to address WHY you feel the need to do this & resolve it. No good solid relationship is built on anything but genuine trust & mutual respect, neither of which lend themselves to the need to "check up."

radiogael said...

Yay!

Well, to answer my own question, I don't think it's cool to look at other people's phones, it's something of a bugbear with me. A phone, like a computer, is something that I consider very very private, to the extent that I'll always carry my phone with me, and become a grumpy asshole if people try to look over my shoulder if I'm on the computer.

That said, I'm not exactly a world-renowned-serial-monogamist and would seldom be in a relationship that doesn't self-implode long enough for there to be any deep-seated issues of mistrust and suspicion thus requiring checking. I pretty confident I've never led a girl to feel the need to do it to me, but I understand that if there's (L-bomb) big emotions involved that suspicions can be toxic and need resolve.

On a rather hypocritical note though, I do concede that if there's a girl whom I really like, or am going out with, but I'm a bit uncertain, I'll sometimes facebook creep to find out more about her.

So! From my POV, I not a big fan of spying, but don't have the experience to throw too many stones, and I understand that if I were in that position, I might do it.

Yeah, I'm a hypocrite :)

The Novelista Barista said...

yeah i hear that! those are all valid points.... as long as people know what they are getting themselves into by doing so...
it crosses a boundary, and if the people they are with are able to deal with that then, whatever works, but its got some other issues altogether dealt into it!

Melanie's Randomness said...

Guilty. I look at my exes, and current affairs facebook & myspace and I'm actually glad I look because it's let me know the Ohh he stopped calling I wonder why? Ohh he's in a relationship now. Ahh Gotcha, that makes sense. And one of my last relationships an ex called me the wrong name. Hmmm...on myspace I found out his new gf's name was in fact the wrong name he called me. It sucks. People can be cruel. I never did the phone thing, but one of my best friend's did when she had a fight with her ex (key word ex, hehe) and she saw that after the fight he had texted his ex, "I miss you so much right now". Yeah it helped her see the light there.

I don't think it's wrong at all, I think when a guy is shady they're asking for us to snoop. I wish they'd just be honest.

Cool question. I love reading everybody's responses to your blogs & your adventures. Hope ur having a good day!!

The Novelista Barista said...

LOL conor.. totally hypocrite,, but i feel ya ... i facebook stalk all the time.. lol

The Novelista Barista said...

melanie,,,, i totally hear u on that!!!!!! facebook... the route of all evil,, but the help to all uncover all liars!

radiogael said...

Haha, such a hypocrite I know lol, but I think Melanie's right, that if people are not shady (I won't say guys, cos girls can be just as bad haha) then it's not really necessary.


FB stalking is awesome though, I recently found out a girl (an ex) that I was/am in love with has a boyfriend. So I'm glad I didn't do the 'talk' when I saw her next. An example of snooping helping avoid embarrassment :)

Jaime said...

Totally not ok I think to ask to read your significant other's emails/call history. If you don't trust and need to see this stuff, it's not a good relationship....reminds me of the Entourage episode this past Sunday.

Though, i think everyone can admit to FB stalking, but that's different- unless you are logging into the significant other's account...haha

Kristina said...

So I don't check his phone or email but facebook, why not. I don't have access to his account but I do check his page out a bit. Like today our mutual friend had a photo of my boyfriend getting a piggyback ride from some chick I don't know, so of course I had to ask about it. Its hard not to check it out since I'm in a long distance relationship I like to know whats going on since I've moved away from home. So guess I'm a bit guilty but only a little bit. :)

The Novelista Barista said...

LOL conor.... i def hear that!!!!!! hahah

The Novelista Barista said...

lol jamie i hear u on that!!! .... although it did help when i saw that my ex jay was logging onto eharmony from my comnputer.... hmmm

The Novelista Barista said...

kristina.... i think thats totally acceptable... that is a free for all thing, facebook... its like, whatever is posted there might as well be public information
AND if you DONT want it to be public info, do NOT post it! lol

Kris said...

As they say...

"Curiosity killed the cat"

and

"What you don't know, doesn't hurt you"

Trust is so important in relationships and so is communication. But we are only human. I try to abide by the above quotes but... yeah, it doesn't always convince me to not snoop!

Sara said...

I only check kevin's facebook. Just to see what he's bee up to and whether he's beating me on bejeweled. Other than that I have NO reason to check his emails, his texts, his calls. The only time I get to handle his phone if I ask him to use it, as he's on pay monthly and I'm on Pay as you Go. But hell yeah, if he asked me to see who that message was off or take a call whilst he was in the shower or whatever, then Yeah I'd do it. I wouldn't purposely check his phone for the sake of it.

I have no reason to do so. I trust him completely. If I didn't then it would be pointless us being together after three wonderful years and having got engaged. Kevin and I share no secrets. But if I had reason to believe that he was doing something he shouldn't then I'd tell him straight out. But he wouldn't do that to me and vice versa.

The Novelista Barista said...

awe sara im so glad thats the case!!!! a lot of people are not that lucky :)

Cathi said...

I never have and never will.....it's about trust, respect and privacy. If your gut instinct makes you feel like you need to snoop, perhaps you're with the wrong person.

.:*aMbAr*:. said...

I have. But I don't do it. Just because what I've seen in the past has F HURT ME SO MUCH!!! That I'm scared, OK SCARED [I said it] that I'll keep finding stuff like that, that obviously just makes me miserable. I don't think I trust anybody, so why just "hurt myself" for checking things I shouldn't be checking.


[does that even make sense?]

Miss Mercedes said...

Did it once. Regret it. Found evidence to support what I already knew in my heart. Would never do it again.

If I can't trust my man...I need to leave him. If I believe he loves me, I need to trust him. If I'm concerned about something, I need to take the courageous approach and confront him.

Finding the evidence only sped up the process of breaking up. It didn't cause it. Obviously, the relationship wasn't good or he wouldn't have been cheating and I wouldn't have been snooping. So...seeing it in writing did nothing to change anything at all.

Dana said...

Maybe I'm naive, but I am the "I don't want to know bad enough to snoop" person. I want to find out things legitimately - because well - once I know something is going on, I want to say something about it and not let it build up inside. How can I find out something by snooping, and justify myself by saying, "Um I was going through your e-mail/text messages/call-log and found this. I need you to explain"

My ex boyfriend went through my text messages ALL the time. I was never doing anything wrong, but he'd read a text message and make it into something it wasn't. We ended up so un-trusting of each other that we both had our cell phones password protected - definitely not a healthy relationship.

Mandy Kay said...

i've never done this. i think because i'd feel to guilty. but also, with exes, i never really cared, because i knew they weren't 'the one'.

With my current honey, i don't feel the need because i know he'd never cheat on me. i know that sounds naive, but it's true. we trust each other. to the point where we're always teasing each other about 'who is he/she?!' in a joking manner, when he has to go to work early, or i wear a fancy dress to work.

We both know each other's facebook passwords, but i never log in as him, EVER. i feel i'd be violating his privacy. But we trust each other enough to share our passwords.

i agree with one of the above comments -- if you feel the need to check up on your special someone, perhaps it's time to address that issue of mistrust... trust is one of the biggest componants of any solid relationship! and as many times as i've wanted to know what he's texting (about me, about his exes, whatever) i don't go there. :)

interesting topic! i like it!

Angie said...

Tricky subject... if you happen to find something shady on your SO's phone like a naughty text from someone else, then I would say this was justified.

This happened to me, I had a funny feeling that I should look at his phone while it was laying there charging and I found something very disturbing. I wouldn't completely condemn someone for being a little nosey...

The Girl of Make Believe said...

It's not okay, but I'll admit that I used to do it *hangs head*
My bf used to work with this stunning girl who he only told me about months after she started. Her name kept popping up on his phone every day, a lot....and I wanted to know what they were talking about so used to have a quick peak.
Turns out it wasn't innocent on her part. She liked him and I put my foot down :P


Jackie said...

My boyfriend doesn't have a cell phone or a facebook. So, I don't have anything to check up on him with. I wouldn't go through his cell phone, I would check out his facebook though because his facebook would be public.

My boyfriend goes through my phone, and it is one of my biggest pet peeves. The only reason he goes through my phone is because he is insecure/doesn't trust me. That doesn't fly with me because I've done nothing to earn his distrust.

Going through your significant other's e-mails, phone, or whatever is not okay in my book.

thereddeer said...

I haven't done any snooping and I don't hope to ever do it. What kind of relationship do you have if you don't have trust?

Michael said...

No, no, no, a thousand times no.

You cannot-you MUST not-invade a loved one's privacy. Ever.

Period.

If you can't trust them, you shouldn't be in that relationship.

If someone CAN come in and take them away, they WILL-and snooping in their texts won't prevent this.

Spend the time you would have spent snooping working on the relationship-and then, if someone tries to take them away, they won't be able to.

The Novelista Barista said...

ahh so over all, the consensus is NO!!!!!!

radiogael said...

haha pretty much

The Novelista Barista said...

hahah Conor did u get ur answer?!

radiogael said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
radiogael said...

Absolutely!! Thank you all so much
xx

Stephanie said...

No way Jose! If I don't have trust, then I'm not interested.

mysterg said...

Needs must. If they've made you suspicious, there is no harm in taking a peek as usually your suspicions will be proved to be correct.

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