BH Files - Leader of the Douchebags

Dating Time: 3 years

Total Breakups: too many to count

Speaking in 2009?: NO

Douchebag Status: Leader of the Douchebags.

By Diary of a Southern Domestic Diva

‘A’ and I met in college. Geology class to be exact, sophomore year. I had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship with my high school sweetheart (‘Jax’), and wasn’t quite sure I made the right decision to break it off – we still talked & he was doing everything in his power to get back together, and I just wasn’t sure. It was a tough time in my life to be alone. My parents had just moved over 1,000 miles away, and I had just had surgery on my ankle and was hobbling across campus (trying to carry a backpack) on crutches. My schedule forced me to walk from the science building on the south east corner of campus all the way to the business building on the north west side of campus. Crutching that far was miserable. ‘A’ walked the same route – but I was always several steps behind him…crutching. Turns out, ‘A’ was also in my accounting class at night. After class he walked down to talk to the professor and bumped into me. He told me he thought we were in Geology class together and introduced himself. I could have sworn he said his name was Andrea. Andrew was good looking – male model type bone structure and dressed extremely nice. Even though we walked the same route to our cars that night, he didn’t offer to help me carry anything as I was struggling to crutch across campus. I should have known then what type of guy he was. The next day in Geology class he switched seats to be closer to me – during a break he slipped me his number and I gave him mine. That night in Accounting he text me and asked if I could go with him to grab something to eat after class. ‘A’ didn’t seem like my type. He came off as the cocky, type A, screw you and use you type of guy. I was skeptical, but figured we wouldn’t click and the worst thing that could come of it was me getting a free meal…so I went. ‘A’ told me his dad was a Baptist Evangelist, his mom did a bunch of mission work, he had been in the church since he was born. His mom even called during dinner and he had to take the call. I thought it was sweet that he was so family oriented. He owned a small business and he had his life together. He had goals, and seemed as though he wasn’t the guy I originally thought he was going to be. So we continued dating.

My high school boyfriend and I had a lot of the same friends and so it was hard to avoid him. This group of high school friends all moved to Memphis together to go to college so we were close. We had poker nights, lunch every Wednesday and pretty much did everything together. I didn’t like to ‘A’ about what I was doing, but thought it would be awkward if I brought ‘A’ around ‘Jax’ all the time. I invited ‘A’ every now and then – but he always refused to hang out with my friends…even if ‘Jax’ wasn’t there. One Tuesday night I went to poker and didn’t call ‘A’ to tell him. He called me in the middle of the game so I walked outside to talk to him. He asked where I was and I told him. Turns out, he had followed me to the house I was playing at and wanted to make sure I didn’t lie to him about where I was. Even though I told him the truth, he broke up with me the next day because ‘Jax’ was there. A few days later he wanted to get back together. I told him I’d try to avoid going out with everyone when ‘Jax’ was around and it eventually led to me losing all my friends.

One night he invited me to go to the movies with 2 other couples – both his friends – to see a movie I wasn’t exactly thrilled about. I knew it was something ‘A’ wanted to do, so I went. When I got there he paid for HIS ticket only and walked in without me…while the other guys in the group paid for their girlfriends and walked in together. I thought it was extremely rude, but paid for my movie and walked in anyway. The entire movie he and his buddies were laughing loudly and making crude remarks – it was so annoying. I wanted to get up and leave, but wanted to avoid making a huge scene so I just sat in my seat and stayed quiet. Once the movie was over and we got in the car, I tried to explain to ‘A’ why I had been upset all night. It turned into a screaming match about how I was a gold digger for expecting him to pay for my movie. If there is one thing I’m NOT, it’s a gold digger. I have supported MYSELF since I was 15 and have never asked anyone for a dime. At 16, I paid cash for my first car using money I made waiting tables. At 20, I bought my first house. When I go on dates, I always offer to pay half and INSIST on paying every other time. I don’t rely on men for money or anything else. He ended up tearing up all his credit/debit cards and throwing the remnants all over my car. After that we never shared a bill. I paid for my food and he paid for his. Unless it was a birthday or something. It was so awkward going out and asking for separate checks all the time.

We would break up for months at a time but still act like we were together. It was such a stressful relationship. He was emotionally abusive. He constantly made me think I was doing something wrong. If I went out with my girlfriends and stayed out too late, I was cheating on him. But he could go out with his guy friends and never make it back to his house. He would get weird text messages from ex girlfriends, and tell me about them. Random girls would call and he would ignore the calls when I was around. He lied about stupid things, I would catch him in the lie and then somehow he turned it around to be my fault. I have no idea how he manipulated me like that. I would get phone calls from friends saying they saw him out exchanging numbers with other girls. He would tell me it was “business related.” If I even talked to a guy I got a lecture.

We spent every weekend with his family, who lived in town. I invited him several times to visit my family with me and each time he made up some excuse to why he couldn’t go. It was really frustrating that he didn’t care to get to know my family.

The last straw was when I drove home from school one night (he bought a house in the same neighborhood as mine) there was a girls car in his driveway. Clearly a girls car because it was covered in pink sorority paraphernalia. He had a roommate though, so I just figured that his roommate had a girl over. That night I got a text message from his roommate asking if I knew fun places to go in Nashville – I was already asleep and didn’t get it until the next morning, after I had already got up for my morning run around the neighborhood and saw that the girls car was STILL in the driveway. THE ROOMMATE WAS OUT OF TOWN! When I confronted ‘A’ about it he lied and told me that she was there for his roommate. I told him I knew that he was out of town and he changes his story to say that she had gotten drunk and passed out on his couch…then later he admitted that she slept in his bed (he claims fully clothed). SURE. The girl ended up sending me a facebook message telling me that it was obvious we both knew who the other girl was and that we should get together so she could tell me everything ‘A’ had been up to – she had proof. I told her I didn’t even care what she had to say, and I was DONE with the relationship.

‘A’ started doing everything in his power to get me back. I came home to a bag filled with a box of brownies, a bottle of wine and a movie with a note asking if we could have date night. He would text me that we should go to Florida and get away from Memphis – he would pay for the entire trip – so we could talk and work things out. He followed me to physical therapy one morning and left a single rose and a candy bar on my car. Sent a dozen red roses to work. I didn’t care. I had caught him cheating. We broke up in December.

Fast forward to June. I had started dating ‘J’. We had been dating a little over a month, still not an “item.” We had gone out with some coworkers of mine to an event and came back to my house to watch a movie. ‘J’ had to be up early the next morning for his call shift. At about 1:30am I hear POUNDING on my front door. I get out of bed and look through my bedroom window and low and behold A is standing outside screaming “Who is in there?” and pounding on the door. I told ‘J’ what was going on and he asked if I wanted him to go outside and make him go away. I told him no, that he would just go away on his own. Eventually the pounding stopped. The car drove away and I thought it was over. ‘J’ got up to go to the restroom and I went back to bed. Next thing I know, my ADT alarm starts sounding. ‘A’ had broken in my house through the back door and was standing at the keypad punching in the code that I hadn’t changed since we broke up. He grabs me and presses my arms to my sides so I can’t move them and starts screaming at me asking whose truck was in my drive way. ‘J’ hears it all and comes rushing out of the bathroom. ‘A’ lets me go, and walks right up to ‘J’ and punches him in the face. ‘J’ is 6’5” 220 lb guy, compared to ‘A’ who is 6’1” 140ish. ‘J’ grabs him and puts him to the ground and holds him there. ‘A’s’ head is bleeding because it hit the metal of my couch feet – ‘J’s’ nose is bleeding from being punched and I am standing there in shock telling them to quit fighting. Finally ‘A’ looks at me and asks me to tell ‘J’ to let him up. I said no because I didn’t want him to get punched again. ‘J’ finally lifted him up and basically threw him outside. I was mortified. My first concern was ‘J’ whose eye was beginning to swell. We got him some ice, but he was MAD. He had to be in the operating room by 5:30am, and how was he going to explain to the other doctors why he had a black eye?

The entire next day I was so worried I would never hear from ‘J’ again. I knew I wouldn’t hear from him at all that day no matter what. He had surgeries scheduled all day and no cell service in the hospital. When I did hear from him, I was relieved, but he wanted to “talk”. He told me he knew it wasn’t my fault but wanted to make sure that I didn’t still have feelings for the guy. He also wanted to call the cops and press charges on him for breaking and entering and assault and battery. I told him that what ‘A’ did was out of character and we wouldn’t have to worry about him again. BOY WAS I WRONG.

‘A’ started threatening to call a lawyer. I was appalled. What could he possibly tell the lawyer?? That he broke into my house and started a fight with his ex-girlfriends new boyfriend?? HE was the one that would get into trouble. I was pretty sure he was bluffing but decided not to take chances and called a friend of mine who is a lawyer. He told me ‘A’ had no case, and that I should go ahead and call the cops and report the incident so there was a report on file if anything came about. So I did. Cops came out to my house, ‘J’ had to leave the hospital and come out to have pictures of his eye taken. Cops told me they would be having someone from domestic violence call me and that “I need to be careful because this is how girls like you get killed” – way to scare me Officer. The next day, I got a call from domestic violence telling me to get an order of protection against him. So – I did.

After that when I would run into his friends, they would say things like, "I can't believe you put up with him so long. How did you keep taking him back after all those times he cheated on you?" I was like - THANKS FOR TELLING ME... Turns out, he had been cheating on me for 2 1/2 of the 3 years we had dated. It makes me want to vomit to think about.

I still have to live 2 blocks away from the douche bag. I can’t wait to move.

-Dana