Single Life?

(if u cant read this click on it i dont know how to make it clearer!)

What a crazy, different world it is to be involved in. Relationships are complicated, but being single is almost just as complicated because it involves multiple relationships/friendships/whatevers.

So I have not been single in a very long time,,, I would say over 5 years, since I would usually go from one person to the other with very few time in between. It's been two months and I am all over the place, emotions wise. I like to hang out with guys and I am making up for not being able to do that for the past 5 years. I do spend more time with one than others.

All I have known myself as is Jen & _______ (insert boyfriend name). It has never been just Jen. I don't even remember what it is like to be just me. I am trying to get that back. I am side tracked a little bit since I do hang out with people more right now, but I am in the process of finding me again.

I had a conversation with my girl S about me and being single and why it doesn't work because people just end up getting hurt. We were talking about how my life is becoming a complicated mess somewhat and I wanted to share my thoughts on it. (Keep in mind i was getting angry as I wrote this)

I also wrote this after her friend that I went on 2 dates with asked me out on a 3rd and said we would have a goodnite kiss after the 3rd, thats usually what happens on 3rd dates, something like that. I told him I was in no position to be kissing another guy right now, and he said no prob, came to my party and saw me kiss another guy, or so he "assumed" that I did. Bad on my part, but whatever. What was I supposed to say? Well the only reason we hung out alone in the first place is because I was too nice to tell you I meant hang out with other people in group and not alone?! Yeah... too nice.

She was saying that I lead people on by how I act sometimes, i wanted to talk about it on here too... and so here it is:

....What am i supposed to tell a guy I go on a date with or hang out with that i haven't already told them? "i just want to flirt with you and have fun and be single and do whatever the fuck i want so back the fuck up and don't cramp my style"

I DO!!! they KNOW this... but choose to ignore it.

There isn't really anything i can do. Every guy wants to get laid, they all wanna be in relationships (although they wont admit it) everyone wants to make things complicated. If i were to do ANYTHING, it should be sit at my house alone because i just cause problems with people! There is no way for me to just be friends with a guy obviously. Unless i fuck them over in some way shape or form and then they get over it. Because people take things too seriously and no matter what u tell them they are going to believe that their case may be different and will try to change that.

I am trying very hard not to be an asshole, but i reallyyyyy don't know what to tell ya, that is my personality, to be nice and flirty and hang out and talk and do whatever. I don't like go sit on their laps and kiss them or shit like that.. so i mean, either way i lose. Just because i am flirty and text u doesn't mean i am falling deeply in love with you or am about to date you after 2 dates.

And some people, will never see that. So its like......i can be a stone cold bitch and maybe they'll back up? Or i can be me and they can take it however they like and then blame it on me? whatever. NO WINNING.

I am trying not to complicate it with people. I do not want another relationship and ive made it very clear. With me being an emotional mess, I wouldn't want someone to have to deal with that and I don't want to deal with it either after being so hurt and depressed for so long.

I just want to have fun and be with people who like to have fun with me. I only want to keep good company right now and I think I have been doing pretty good at it. I continue to hang with the people that I like to hang with and everyone else gets weeded out.

This is MY time. This is MY selfish stage and i am FINALLY at the point where i really am going to act on it... prob not though cuz i am not selfish.

The past couple of weeks i was just being whatever, having fun, whatever... dealing with not dealing with the whole T situation and how bad i missed him and everything like that. Accepting the reality/ not accepting reality. All that shit. It sucks and it will take a very long time for me to get over T. To be able to listen to reggae again and not get sad because I miss T. Or to drive even past the Pleasantville sign and get really upset. Or seeing the same car that he has and freaking out. UGH. I just want it to end!

so here i am... i know what S is saying, but i mean... i can only handle what i do..... if im just being me and being flirty and people get the wrong idea,,, then thats their own fault for assuming.

I know this sounds somewhat horrible to say and all but at the time when I wrote this I was really mad that someone was ASSUMING stuff about me saying I led them on and whatever, and maybe it was the case? But really? What ISN'T leading someone on???? Should I have been rude?! Like what the hell.. no matter what I said or did, it wouldn't have ended nicely anyway, apparently it was too far past that. And I feel bad, i really do.. but then again I don't in a weird selfish way..

This is why me and single do not do well!