Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Sex is Not Free

No it's usually not.

Especially when you are single.

My friend Conor and I were discussing dating and sex the other day and how girls in Ireland are teases and how girls in America usually follow through with their teasing and then we got onto the date that I was supposed to go on last week which failed miserably where I figured out the truth in this statement.

Meet Date 1. I recently was supposed to go out on a date with this guy I met at the Yankee Game. We hung out once before at bar, and it was cool, he was really quite but he's mad cute. I hadn't seen him for awhile but he kept bothering me through texts to hang out. So I gave in so he would shutup (sounds horrible I know).

I tell him I have to go to dinner with my girl because she is going on a date and needed moral support. He said okay. Then awhile later he said he just wanted to hang out with me. I told him we just had to go out to dinner then we could hang out. Essentially, I really didn't want to be stuck anywhere alone with him because I knew what he was getting at and I really don't know him at all and didn't want to be stuck in an awkward situation.

I told D1 to be at the place by 6:30 and when I had text him he hadn't even left his house yet and it was 6:15. He told me he was looking for his GPS. I knew right then he obviously was not going to show up. I told him if he couldn't "find his GPS by 8:30 then not to bother wasting his time driving there". And that was the last I heard of him.

Now, what did I learn from this? He wanted to hook up and that was it. No dinner, no movies, no drinks, nothing. Sex. And then be out.

And okay, that is fine. I am down with that, I don't mind just sex. BUT don't lie about it! Be straight to the point. "Oh Im trying to find my GPS" oh please, do I look stupid?

I told Conor that sex is not free! You BEST be wining and dining me if you expect ANYTHING to happen! Especially if this is like one of the first couple of dates! And I am not talking about just sex, I mean anything in general! I mean, if you aren't going to wine & dine me, at least buy me cigarettes or candy or take me to a money, I don't know.... pick me some fucking flowers off the side of the road is better than nothing! I am NOT saying you need to take me to a 7 star restaurant and spend like a million dollars on me or anything, but I am not a whore, so let's be slightly classy here okay?!

I mean, am I wrong? Is that wrong to say that sex is not free? I am not talking about that you have to pay people in straight cash for it, this is not prostitution, but I guess in a way it sort of is... because you start with the dinner, maybe ice cream, maybe movies, whatever sort of "date" you are going on, and then you work your way up to the kiss or to the bedroom, maybe a little action, maybe some touching, who knows? If you played your cards right, maybe you'll get laid.

But is it free? Hell no! You have to work for that shit! It is almost like a part time job, trying to get laid. This pretty much applies for both sexes, but I think it applies more to men.

Sex for dinner? Sex for drinks? Sex for flowers?...... hmm.... lol

So, how much does it cost to get you into bed? :) lol that sounds horrible.. but you see where I am coming from!



radiogael said...

Okay, I have to reiterate, not ALL irish girls are teases haha

But yeah, the 'three date' culture doesn't really exist for us to the same extent in Ireland. When I was living over in the US, it was really quite bizarre.

The Novelista Barista said...

hahahahhah i love u

Laura said...

Sex is NOT free and there should be an expectation of "something." Not as payment. It's simply polite. Think of it as a hostess gift. If a friend invites you over for dinner, are you required to give her cash or bring a gift? No! But, it's a nice thing to do, and shows that you appreciate the effort she put into the party. You may even help her clean up afterwards.

That's all I want "in exchange" for sex. Appropriate behavior. Take me to dinner, buy me a drink (or whatever), and then maybe, when the deed has been done, stick around and help me out for a few minutes. Cuddling, back rub, etc.

Seriously, my standards are low enough already. I don't respond to the "booty call." That's a whole new low.

The Novelista Barista said...

I KNOW!!!!! lol i totally agree with u!
im not asking for much but like... do something!!! lol

Julia said...

I agree that you shouldn't give it away for free - if you want any kind of on-going rapport with the guy, but the problem with this logic is that then guys think they can get sex in exchange for a few cocktails, or whatever you "asking price" is.

It shouldn't be as simplistic as quid pro quo: dinner for me, sex for you - you should have sex with him because you want to. I mean, no matter how many nice dinners or movies he takes you to, if you still aren't feeling it, there's absolutely no obligation.

I consider sex to fall into two categories: 1)casual non-committal, 2)and potential/current relationship. The first category totally allows for free sex - as long as you're doing it for you, because you want it: sex for me, and sex for you. The second category requires sex to be a result of some kind of interaction and compatibility between two people: you had fun together not in bed, you had fun together in bed, and you plan on doing both again. The important thing is to both be on the same page.

The problem is guys who think they can get casual non-committal sex from a girl who's looking for potential relationship sex, and who try to get it in a sneaky way.

Julia said...

haha I guess I had a lot to say!

Jenni said...

Girl - you couldn't have said it better. Sex is defintely NOT free. We are classy girls around here so if a man wants to see the goods (or feel the good in this case) he best have something to offer me. It doesn't have to be a ton of money or a super great present - I'll settle for someone who has cleaned up and planned a special evening just to make me happy. Even a guy that takes me somewhere that I know he doesn't want to go (like a play) can win me over.

I'm with you thought on sex being okay, as long as that is stated upfront. Typically when I meet a nice, cute boy that I'm willing to spend a night out with, that typically means I want more than just sex (well, not always but most times).

To end this way to long comment, I must say that it takes a lot of impress me enough for me to fall into your bed. Dinner? Standard. Movie? Played out. Flowers? Sweet, but need to be more original. It's the boys that do something really special that win me over...

The Novelista Barista said...

LOL i love ur comments... all also so true

Laura Trevey said...

"A part time job" - love it!!!
You are up on Bright, Bold, and Beautiful!!

Happy Thanksgiving :)
xoxo Laura

The Novelista Barista said...

Thanks Laura!!

Amy said...

I am waiting for marriage, no exceptions, so I guess it's VERY expensive!

Jaime said...

Love this "You BEST be wining and dining me if you expect ANYTHING to happen!". I agree, haha!

PS: check my blog later for an award :)

Fidgeting Gidget said...

People all seem to have different opinions on this topic. I agree, it definitely isn't free, and I was never one to have casual sex, so I can't really comment too much on that part, but I always hated it when it was completely obvious to me that the guy I was dating just wanted a piece of ass. It was almost humorous to me to see how quickly they would run away when they realized that I wouldn't put out for just anyone.

The Novelista Barista said...

LOL so true gidget!!!

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Oh lordy...when I was single three years ago this was a huge dilemma for me. A lot of guys stood by that "three date" bullshit. It felt like I was dating by a booklet, instead of having fun. I would always dread that third date...
Dating shouldn't be that way. It should be romantic and casual and leading up to sex when it's a good time for both people...sigh.

Sorry you have to put up with such nonsense. :(

The Novelista Barista said...

its alright, its a learning experience!

Anonymous said...

delurking to say: Maybe I've just been hanging around the right women, but sex is NEVER free. If time is money, and effort has worth, then no, definitely not free.

BUT also if you think of it another way: for those who DO give sex away for free -- well, you get what you paid for.

The Novelista Barista said...


Shop Girl* said...

Sadly, he's either a) delusional; or b) has been getting it too easy which is really (in part) his past "partner's" fault for not having higher standards.

You are absolutely right to want those things before sex! I abhor the idea of a booty call at all, let alone from some guy you just met!

radiogael said...

I love how fiercely self-respectful you ladies are, it's really encouraging for a guy with a 16 y/o blog-reading little-sister :)

Maybe I didn't explain myself. (Not about the Irish-girls-are-teases thing...that's mostly true)

What I found funny was the 'American GI in liberated France' notion that buying girls cigarettes and nylons and chocolate would lead to sex. I just think that the definite transactional nature of this idea could lead to guys (and girls) becoming really cynical and going through the motions of it being a guaranteed thing. What I found is that most of the people with whom I've had sex (apart from those drunken one-night-stands we all regret) were people who seemed to sincerely like me, or were girls who were so independent that they wouldn't want to be 'paid for' (not my words.

However, I totally agree that guys should always treat girls that they genuinely like. In fact, it's nice for guys to treat girls, even when they're totally broke, a guy really likes to buy a bottle of wine to have a drink with a girl he wants to be with.

My concern, as I say, is that it might become a bit of a cynical practice. I think that there must be a middle ground between the two extremes.

Thanks again!
Con :)

ps- Jen, I'm so jealous of your followers are haha

radiogael said...

Oh, btw, I don't think I'm delusional and I've DEFINITELY not been getting it too easy hahaha, but I see what you mean :)

The Novelista Barista said...

LOL well i dont think delusional would be the right word conor :) lol being irsh and all i know they're teases but i could agree that after conversations about ladies me and him have had that i am essentially a tease, BUT i at least follow through with my teasing in the long run, where as some ladies (not all!) dont. in his case.
lol love u guysss

.:*aMbAr*:. said...

OMG Jen, you crack me up!!! LOL!! But I sooo get u. Like if you're "pretending" to date me, then do so. Take me out and stuff. IF you just want sex, tell me!!!!!!! Don't go around making crappy excuses.


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